My little man is growing so fast.
On Monday the 12th December 2005 he began walking.
He just got up and took off all on his own.
My heart rejoices to see his beautiful smile and happy squels as he succeeds at walking from one place to another.
I can't believe he is growing up so fast, right before my eyes.
It seems like yesterday he was my little new born son wrapped up in a blanket safely my arms.
Dependant on Mommy for everything, now i watch as he slowly forms his own personality and independance.
I love his gentle kisses.. his soft hugs.. and the way he loves me.
I love his soft gentle brown eyes and his dymples when he smiles.
I thank God for him, because he is nothing short of a miracle..
Today i am loving motherhood.
Slowly i feel like i am rising above something.
It could just be a day but it's a start.
To all of you, remember to tell the ones you love what they mean to you. Because you never know when it will be their last.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
Parenting
Parenting would have to be the hardest yet most rewarding job i have ever had.
When i found out i was pregnant i knew i would be doing it alone, and i never once thought it would be easy. I didn't picture it an easy ride and i never pictured a baby that would do everything i wanted.
I know money wouldn't be something i could splash around, that didn't and still doesn't bother me. I knew that time wouldn't be something i would have alot of, and that doesn't really bother me. It has taken time to adjust though. I never expected Lachie to be a clean child, so the washing etc doesn't bother me.
I did however expect his behaviour to be better than it is. I never expected everthing to be perfect and for him to listen to everything i said. I expected him not to listen a little, i expected some cheekiness and naughtiness.
But what i have is complete defiancy, he barely listens to me. He has turned aggressive, if he doesn't get his own way he throws a temper tantrum and smacks people.
I never imagined that it could be so crushing. That the way your child acts could be like an elephant stamping in your heart. So much so that it squeezes all of the energy out of me. I don't understand why people who don't care about their kids can have kids that are good and crave attention and then my son who is surrounded with attention, people that love him, love and happiness isn't being good.
Yes i do have an ideal picture of what i would like my family to be like. But i also have a realistic one. There is something up with Lachlans behaviour, and i know in my heart my parenting isn't that bad. I know there are areas i can improve on and i am working on them slowly. until then how do i hold on...
I know i have to go to God more, give my thoughts and feelings to him. I have to leave this problem in his hands. I need to be praying more. Because it's all dragging me down and i need God to lift me up.
Lord,
lift me, fill me and heal me.
For inside i am broken.
My spirit fills squashed and i am thirsty for you.
I let go of everything i have done, and i run into your open arms.
I give my parenting to you Lord, i give my heart to you.
Let your will be done.
Grant me wisdom to do the things i need to do and let go of the things i cannot change.
Amen
When i found out i was pregnant i knew i would be doing it alone, and i never once thought it would be easy. I didn't picture it an easy ride and i never pictured a baby that would do everything i wanted.
I know money wouldn't be something i could splash around, that didn't and still doesn't bother me. I knew that time wouldn't be something i would have alot of, and that doesn't really bother me. It has taken time to adjust though. I never expected Lachie to be a clean child, so the washing etc doesn't bother me.
I did however expect his behaviour to be better than it is. I never expected everthing to be perfect and for him to listen to everything i said. I expected him not to listen a little, i expected some cheekiness and naughtiness.
But what i have is complete defiancy, he barely listens to me. He has turned aggressive, if he doesn't get his own way he throws a temper tantrum and smacks people.
I never imagined that it could be so crushing. That the way your child acts could be like an elephant stamping in your heart. So much so that it squeezes all of the energy out of me. I don't understand why people who don't care about their kids can have kids that are good and crave attention and then my son who is surrounded with attention, people that love him, love and happiness isn't being good.
Yes i do have an ideal picture of what i would like my family to be like. But i also have a realistic one. There is something up with Lachlans behaviour, and i know in my heart my parenting isn't that bad. I know there are areas i can improve on and i am working on them slowly. until then how do i hold on...
I know i have to go to God more, give my thoughts and feelings to him. I have to leave this problem in his hands. I need to be praying more. Because it's all dragging me down and i need God to lift me up.
Lord,
lift me, fill me and heal me.
For inside i am broken.
My spirit fills squashed and i am thirsty for you.
I let go of everything i have done, and i run into your open arms.
I give my parenting to you Lord, i give my heart to you.
Let your will be done.
Grant me wisdom to do the things i need to do and let go of the things i cannot change.
Amen
Friday, December 09, 2005
7 Things
Lami from Lami*By*Design tagged me-
Seven Things I want to do before I die
1. Get married
2. Have more kids
3. Become a Counsellor/social worker
4. Go to Africa
5. Sky Dive
6. Get my car License and a car
7. Own a home
Seven things I cannot do
1. Drive (legally)
2. Fly (i'm too scared)
3. Dive into water (nose don't agree with that)
4. Understand the Bible i have
5. Run a marathon
6. Complete a heart transplant
7. Kill an animal (unless it is in severe pain and no one else was there and then i would cry so very much).
Seven things that attract me to my best friend, Lami
1. Beautiful heart and soul
2. Open mindness and support
3. Personality
4. She's an awesome comforter and cuddler
5. Beautiful brown eyes
6. Awesome sense of humour
7. She like food!
Seven things I say most often
1. I love you
2. Ok
3. Lachlan
4. F%$k (Not a good one)
5. Hey
6. OUCH
7. Ma
Ten Movies I could watch over and over and over again
1. Crossroads
2. 50 first dates
3. Never been kissed
4. Suddenly 30
5. Save the last dance
6. 10 things I hate about you
7. Stepmom
8. My Best Friend's Wedding
9. The Wedding Singer
10. Shrek
Now i tag: YOU
Seven Things I want to do before I die
1. Get married
2. Have more kids
3. Become a Counsellor/social worker
4. Go to Africa
5. Sky Dive
6. Get my car License and a car
7. Own a home
Seven things I cannot do
1. Drive (legally)
2. Fly (i'm too scared)
3. Dive into water (nose don't agree with that)
4. Understand the Bible i have
5. Run a marathon
6. Complete a heart transplant
7. Kill an animal (unless it is in severe pain and no one else was there and then i would cry so very much).
Seven things that attract me to my best friend, Lami
1. Beautiful heart and soul
2. Open mindness and support
3. Personality
4. She's an awesome comforter and cuddler
5. Beautiful brown eyes
6. Awesome sense of humour
7. She like food!
Seven things I say most often
1. I love you
2. Ok
3. Lachlan
4. F%$k (Not a good one)
5. Hey
6. OUCH
7. Ma
Ten Movies I could watch over and over and over again
1. Crossroads
2. 50 first dates
3. Never been kissed
4. Suddenly 30
5. Save the last dance
6. 10 things I hate about you
7. Stepmom
8. My Best Friend's Wedding
9. The Wedding Singer
10. Shrek
Now i tag: YOU
Storm
Well i thought i should let you all know that i have an addition to my family.
Yesterday Lami and i were walking home from the street after being out all day, when we passed a house just up from ours, Lami asked if we could see their Kittens.
I fell in love with the black one and Lami loved the ginger tiger one. We decided to take them both =)
I have a little black kitten called Storm, and it has really dark greeny blue eyes. It is really cuddly but playful..
Lami got the ginger one. It looks like it has tiger stripes =~P
She named him Tiger. He is the leader, very playful and into mischief alot..
Like last night i feed them and soon as Tiger seen the food he splashed Storm with water .. soo rude.
I think each Kitten compliments the personalities of us.
And they are bestfriends as well.
The kids adore them too.. I wonder how Lachlan will go with them..
Kat you get to meet our Kittens when you come up, way cool =~P
You have to love them and be nice because they are ours.
I will try and get a picture up soon.
Yesterday Lami and i were walking home from the street after being out all day, when we passed a house just up from ours, Lami asked if we could see their Kittens.
I fell in love with the black one and Lami loved the ginger tiger one. We decided to take them both =)
I have a little black kitten called Storm, and it has really dark greeny blue eyes. It is really cuddly but playful..
Lami got the ginger one. It looks like it has tiger stripes =~P
She named him Tiger. He is the leader, very playful and into mischief alot..
Like last night i feed them and soon as Tiger seen the food he splashed Storm with water .. soo rude.
I think each Kitten compliments the personalities of us.
And they are bestfriends as well.
The kids adore them too.. I wonder how Lachlan will go with them..
Kat you get to meet our Kittens when you come up, way cool =~P
You have to love them and be nice because they are ours.
I will try and get a picture up soon.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Cross Road
As i was walking to pick Daniel up from school, i was looking at the creek that runs along the path. The breeze was blowing on my face and it lifted me up from the hole i've been in for the last few days.
The situation with Paul has hurt me hard. As i was walking tears streamed down my face as i felt God's presence surround me and tell me it wasn't my fault. I know in my heart that i have to take the next step and ring Paul, giving him the ultimatium. But i am afraid of what Paul is going to say, but know i have to step up and do this.
Lachlan deserves to have a Dad in his life. If Paul can't step up to the responsibility of being the Father in Lachie's life then he is going to have to step out of his life. I know in my heart that God has a husband for me and a Father for Lachlan, a much better Father than what Paul is trying to be right know.
One of my fears is that when Lachlan is older that Paul will try and tell him the reason he never seen him was because i wouldn't let him. That isn't true. I have listened to God. I provided Paul with the opportunity to see Lachlan and get to be the father in his life, i have given him the chance to change his life and he has choosen not to.
As a Mommy it is my time to step up and do what i don't want to do, but know is right. Because i love Lachlan enough to put him first in my life. The future is already written i guess, i just have to wait and trust in God.
As i came closer to the school, it was like God revealed a picture to me. Of the whole world and this little girl (me). The world was big and beautiful, with me trusting God. But the world with me not going to God, building the relationship daily was a dark and scary place.
Although right now my heart hurts, and it hurts for Lachlan - I know it won't be that bad. I know that i have God and he has me in His hand. That his plans are not to hurt me.
The situation with Paul has hurt me hard. As i was walking tears streamed down my face as i felt God's presence surround me and tell me it wasn't my fault. I know in my heart that i have to take the next step and ring Paul, giving him the ultimatium. But i am afraid of what Paul is going to say, but know i have to step up and do this.
Lachlan deserves to have a Dad in his life. If Paul can't step up to the responsibility of being the Father in Lachie's life then he is going to have to step out of his life. I know in my heart that God has a husband for me and a Father for Lachlan, a much better Father than what Paul is trying to be right know.
One of my fears is that when Lachlan is older that Paul will try and tell him the reason he never seen him was because i wouldn't let him. That isn't true. I have listened to God. I provided Paul with the opportunity to see Lachlan and get to be the father in his life, i have given him the chance to change his life and he has choosen not to.
As a Mommy it is my time to step up and do what i don't want to do, but know is right. Because i love Lachlan enough to put him first in my life. The future is already written i guess, i just have to wait and trust in God.
As i came closer to the school, it was like God revealed a picture to me. Of the whole world and this little girl (me). The world was big and beautiful, with me trusting God. But the world with me not going to God, building the relationship daily was a dark and scary place.
Although right now my heart hurts, and it hurts for Lachlan - I know it won't be that bad. I know that i have God and he has me in His hand. That his plans are not to hurt me.
Porcelain Heart
Broken heart one more time
Pick yourself up, why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole
[Chorus:]
You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine
Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break
Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again
- Barlow Girl
And then she breaks downs and cries.
She tried, she felt the pain.
Now somethings gotta change.
She wants to hide.
She doesn't want to face the day.
But somethings got to change.
-Me
Monday, December 05, 2005
Protector
As a single mom i have always considered myself the protector of my family. I have always been the one to make sure Lachlan has what he needs, is protected from dangers and all that sort of parenting stuff.
Yes i have always considered myself a single mom in the sense that i do all the parenting, but i know my parenting is with God. Recently i felt God tell me to contact Paul and let him see Lachlan. So i did that, and Paul came and seen Lachlan a week later.
That was 4 weeks ago, i asked him on a number of occassions wheh he was coming to see Lachlan and he gave a round about answer. "Next week sometime because i am busy with work this week", "maybe next tuesday or wednesday".... all of these round about replies.
So once again i text him and he said he didn't know when he could come, i said i needed a date because i have to organise stuff and we need to make more regular meeting dates. His reply was "so do you want me?"..
His response was like a punch to my heart, i was trying to seriously talk to him about Lachlan and he was worried about getting laid (not that we have that sort of relationship to clear that up!). My response was less than friendly and i put the phone away. With the realisation that he probably doesn't care about his own son.
I am supposed to be the one to protect Lachlan and i left him open to be hurt emotionally, not that i think he will remember much of this, but still. I have to admit that i hurt to, not because there is anything lost. But because i have to except that the father of my child cares more about sex than his own son.
It doesn't make me feel good.
I don't want to let go of Paul, because i am letting go of the father he should be. Knowing i have to wait until i am married until he has some one to call Dad. Seeing Alik at Naomi's birthday party made my heart pound. There was this handsome guy, playing with my son and it all come so naturally. The first time Alik had meet Lachlan and he was on the floor playing trucks with him and stuff and yet Paul (his own father) don't seem to care..
How does that work?
How can you not care about your own child? i just don't understand.
Yes i have always considered myself a single mom in the sense that i do all the parenting, but i know my parenting is with God. Recently i felt God tell me to contact Paul and let him see Lachlan. So i did that, and Paul came and seen Lachlan a week later.
That was 4 weeks ago, i asked him on a number of occassions wheh he was coming to see Lachlan and he gave a round about answer. "Next week sometime because i am busy with work this week", "maybe next tuesday or wednesday".... all of these round about replies.
So once again i text him and he said he didn't know when he could come, i said i needed a date because i have to organise stuff and we need to make more regular meeting dates. His reply was "so do you want me?"..
His response was like a punch to my heart, i was trying to seriously talk to him about Lachlan and he was worried about getting laid (not that we have that sort of relationship to clear that up!). My response was less than friendly and i put the phone away. With the realisation that he probably doesn't care about his own son.
I am supposed to be the one to protect Lachlan and i left him open to be hurt emotionally, not that i think he will remember much of this, but still. I have to admit that i hurt to, not because there is anything lost. But because i have to except that the father of my child cares more about sex than his own son.
It doesn't make me feel good.
I don't want to let go of Paul, because i am letting go of the father he should be. Knowing i have to wait until i am married until he has some one to call Dad. Seeing Alik at Naomi's birthday party made my heart pound. There was this handsome guy, playing with my son and it all come so naturally. The first time Alik had meet Lachlan and he was on the floor playing trucks with him and stuff and yet Paul (his own father) don't seem to care..
How does that work?
How can you not care about your own child? i just don't understand.
Friday, December 02, 2005
??How??
I sit and wonder how long it is going to take for me to realise i have to let go of my fears in order to soar?
Last night i went to Nai's Kindy Concert, i was okay right up until we stacked the chairs and the hall wasn't in an ordered way. The people were everywhere and i couldn't handle it. I felt intimidated and was analyzing every single person that was in the hall, especially the men.
I went into a panicked state where i had to hold back the tears (just because the hall was packed with people). Yes my bestfriend was there, yes i had my son, but i felt like running..
Am i ever gonna get over it? how do i take the steps to getting over this? I know if i don't get over it there is limited chance of me meeting my husband. I am a shy person as it is, honestly i struggle just to be around people i don't know and thats without talking to them. So how am i going to meet new people and have them as friends, and my future husband..
I really feel like inserting a giggle at my pathicness!!
So there i admit i need to get over this, only coz i feel it's holding me back and i know if i don't i won't have much of a life. No friends, No husband and it will be hard on my son...
Last night i went to Nai's Kindy Concert, i was okay right up until we stacked the chairs and the hall wasn't in an ordered way. The people were everywhere and i couldn't handle it. I felt intimidated and was analyzing every single person that was in the hall, especially the men.
I went into a panicked state where i had to hold back the tears (just because the hall was packed with people). Yes my bestfriend was there, yes i had my son, but i felt like running..
Am i ever gonna get over it? how do i take the steps to getting over this? I know if i don't get over it there is limited chance of me meeting my husband. I am a shy person as it is, honestly i struggle just to be around people i don't know and thats without talking to them. So how am i going to meet new people and have them as friends, and my future husband..
I really feel like inserting a giggle at my pathicness!!
So there i admit i need to get over this, only coz i feel it's holding me back and i know if i don't i won't have much of a life. No friends, No husband and it will be hard on my son...
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Weak
You can take God out of my school
you can make me listen to you
You can take God out of the pledge
but you can't take God out of my head
Listen to me closely,lend me your ear
the substance of my statemnet lets you know I'm sincere
Government officials, shapers of the land
I've to to tell you something you need to understand
You can't take God away from me
you can take my life, my land, my liberty
Lock me up, I'll still be free
'cause you can't take God from me
You can take God out of the law
you can make me listen to ya'll
You can take God out of the start
but you can't take God out of my heart
Listen to me closely, lend me your ear
the substance of my statement lets you know I'm sincere
Government officials, shapers of the land
I've to to tell you something you need to understand
You can't take God away from me
you can take my life, my land, my liberty
Lock me up, I'll still be free
'cause you can't take God from me
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God away from me
You can take my life, my land, my liberty
Lock me up, I'll still be free
'cause you can't take God from me
Audio Adrenaline (Can't take God from me)
There is nothing more to say than i love this song.
I have the song on repeat in the loungeroom.
It makes me think.
Recently i have been feeling so weak, emotionally, physically and sexually.
It all hit me when i went home basically.
But when i listen to this song i stop and say to myself well No one can take God from me. I chose to walk away from God. I chose not to go to him for whatever reason.
When i went home for 2 weeks there wasn't a church i would go to in my home town but i could of read the bible, i could of taken some worship music with me.
I know on the inside of me i feel sooo weak sometimes, but i don't go to God coz i know i will break. I have to allow myself to crumble in the arms of my Heavenly Father, or i will turn to the arms of someone wrong. I hate admitting i am so weak but it's true.
On sunday i was in church and i had tears in my eyes, my instant thought was "Pull yourself together Kelly, this is church" and i instantly looked around hoping no one seen me.
I was in church. God's place and i stopped myself from crying. What hurts me the most is i stopped myself from crying because no one there except Lami knew me and i don't cry infront of strangers..
Maybe you need to look into your heart and see what broken parts need to be given to God..
No one can take God from you!
God won't walk away from you!
You chose???
What ya gonna do?
you can make me listen to you
You can take God out of the pledge
but you can't take God out of my head
Listen to me closely,lend me your ear
the substance of my statemnet lets you know I'm sincere
Government officials, shapers of the land
I've to to tell you something you need to understand
You can't take God away from me
you can take my life, my land, my liberty
Lock me up, I'll still be free
'cause you can't take God from me
You can take God out of the law
you can make me listen to ya'll
You can take God out of the start
but you can't take God out of my heart
Listen to me closely, lend me your ear
the substance of my statement lets you know I'm sincere
Government officials, shapers of the land
I've to to tell you something you need to understand
You can't take God away from me
you can take my life, my land, my liberty
Lock me up, I'll still be free
'cause you can't take God from me
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God away from me
You can take my life, my land, my liberty
Lock me up, I'll still be free
'cause you can't take God from me
Audio Adrenaline (Can't take God from me)
There is nothing more to say than i love this song.
I have the song on repeat in the loungeroom.
It makes me think.
Recently i have been feeling so weak, emotionally, physically and sexually.
It all hit me when i went home basically.
But when i listen to this song i stop and say to myself well No one can take God from me. I chose to walk away from God. I chose not to go to him for whatever reason.
When i went home for 2 weeks there wasn't a church i would go to in my home town but i could of read the bible, i could of taken some worship music with me.
I know on the inside of me i feel sooo weak sometimes, but i don't go to God coz i know i will break. I have to allow myself to crumble in the arms of my Heavenly Father, or i will turn to the arms of someone wrong. I hate admitting i am so weak but it's true.
On sunday i was in church and i had tears in my eyes, my instant thought was "Pull yourself together Kelly, this is church" and i instantly looked around hoping no one seen me.
I was in church. God's place and i stopped myself from crying. What hurts me the most is i stopped myself from crying because no one there except Lami knew me and i don't cry infront of strangers..
Maybe you need to look into your heart and see what broken parts need to be given to God..
No one can take God from you!
God won't walk away from you!
You chose???
What ya gonna do?
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Because Of You
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
- Kelly Clarkson
3 years ago this was me..
Now i am not afraid and have been set free.
God is now my strength, the power in me.
I don't believe it's weak to cry,
it's the strongest thing you can do.
I hate fakes and refuse to be one.
I am real!!
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
- Kelly Clarkson
3 years ago this was me..
Now i am not afraid and have been set free.
God is now my strength, the power in me.
I don't believe it's weak to cry,
it's the strongest thing you can do.
I hate fakes and refuse to be one.
I am real!!
Monday, November 14, 2005
Home again
I am home for 2 weeks, my rents have their birthdays this month.
For the first few days i have seen some things i haven't liked.
My sister has tarot cards in her house, which makes me very uncomfortable staying there. I seen some of her journal and it is basically a copy of mine.
I feel ripped of, the pain i went through was real and she comes along and makes up all these lies and uses my pain for attention!
In the writting you can tell that she is in a big mess emotionally and spiritually. She has a picture of my best friend saying she is f***ing evil, a picture of herself saying is a fat ugly monster!!
It scares me to read what all these lies are doing to her and how far she has gone down hill from the person she was. There was written things about the alledged rape and his ripping her hair out and her recieving letters from him etc..
I feel like confronting her with the load of shit, except now she is being better than she has been in a long time.
Robert and Tammy have broken up yet again, hopefully this time it is forever. It's not fair on Emily and Charlotte to be exposed to such emotional upsets when it can be all prevented.
Robert threw a coffee cup at Emi's head, when i seen her the other night she had a huge bruise on the side of her head. She has been through so much for a little Princess!
Let see how it all goes...
For the first few days i have seen some things i haven't liked.
My sister has tarot cards in her house, which makes me very uncomfortable staying there. I seen some of her journal and it is basically a copy of mine.
I feel ripped of, the pain i went through was real and she comes along and makes up all these lies and uses my pain for attention!
In the writting you can tell that she is in a big mess emotionally and spiritually. She has a picture of my best friend saying she is f***ing evil, a picture of herself saying is a fat ugly monster!!
It scares me to read what all these lies are doing to her and how far she has gone down hill from the person she was. There was written things about the alledged rape and his ripping her hair out and her recieving letters from him etc..
I feel like confronting her with the load of shit, except now she is being better than she has been in a long time.
Robert and Tammy have broken up yet again, hopefully this time it is forever. It's not fair on Emily and Charlotte to be exposed to such emotional upsets when it can be all prevented.
Robert threw a coffee cup at Emi's head, when i seen her the other night she had a huge bruise on the side of her head. She has been through so much for a little Princess!
Let see how it all goes...
Happy Birthday Papa
My Daddy turned 63 today.
Another year has passed and he is another year older.
Each year i grow fearful of what the following year will bring.
But all i can do is make the best of the time i have and forget the fears.
This weekend has been a really good weekend for Dad.
He has been the best i have seen him in a while.
Gives good memories for his birthday!!
I love my Daddy sooooo very much!!
Another year has passed and he is another year older.
Each year i grow fearful of what the following year will bring.
But all i can do is make the best of the time i have and forget the fears.
This weekend has been a really good weekend for Dad.
He has been the best i have seen him in a while.
Gives good memories for his birthday!!
I love my Daddy sooooo very much!!
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Dreams
Last night Tim was the speaker at church.
He challenged us to share our dreams with the people next to us and well Lami already knows mine!
So here i share with you, my dreams for the future. And i challenge you to do the same.
My dream is:
- To be the best Mom i can be to Lachlan and any future children that will come along when i am married.
- To get married and be the best wife i can be.
- To fall pregnant to my Husband (well he will be for me to get pregnant) and have lots more babies.
- To become a stronger Christian and become knowledgable of the bible and actually be able to understand it.
These are the dreams Christ has placed on my heart. I already know i won't work until Lachlan is in school because my belief is a mother should be at home with her children, not putting the kids into child care to work.
If i am not married by the time Lachlan is 5 i would like to begin some courses to become a youth counsellor.
They are my dreams, they may not be big to some people. but ever since in was a little girl my biggest dream was to become a mom and God blessed me with that. No it wasn't how i expected it to work out, but i don't regret it at all. I have a beautiful baby boy whom i adore!
The next step is marriage and i know God has a husband for me, it's just the waiting game.
As for future children it is in Gods hands. All i know is i want lots, but he is in control!
He challenged us to share our dreams with the people next to us and well Lami already knows mine!
So here i share with you, my dreams for the future. And i challenge you to do the same.
My dream is:
- To be the best Mom i can be to Lachlan and any future children that will come along when i am married.
- To get married and be the best wife i can be.
- To fall pregnant to my Husband (well he will be for me to get pregnant) and have lots more babies.
- To become a stronger Christian and become knowledgable of the bible and actually be able to understand it.
These are the dreams Christ has placed on my heart. I already know i won't work until Lachlan is in school because my belief is a mother should be at home with her children, not putting the kids into child care to work.
If i am not married by the time Lachlan is 5 i would like to begin some courses to become a youth counsellor.
They are my dreams, they may not be big to some people. but ever since in was a little girl my biggest dream was to become a mom and God blessed me with that. No it wasn't how i expected it to work out, but i don't regret it at all. I have a beautiful baby boy whom i adore!
The next step is marriage and i know God has a husband for me, it's just the waiting game.
As for future children it is in Gods hands. All i know is i want lots, but he is in control!
Baby Praises Him
"Praise Him. Lift your voice and let it ring through out all the earth."
Last night i was in church singing during worship, as usual i had my son Lachlan on my hip and then i heard him start singing. Yes still in baby babble, but it was soooo cute!
During the morning service he cried when the music came on, i think it was coz he was tired and a little overwhelmed. He cried a little during the night service to but he was okay when he was with me.
At the end of the service we were singing the last worship song for the night before leaving and as someone sung Praise him.. my son opened his arms to recieve Jesus. It was sooo cute!! Some one said "thank you Jesus" and Lachie clapped..
I don't know what was goin through his head at this time, and i will never know for sure. But in my heart i am sure his heart was with Christ. It is enough to make my heart dance inside my chest seeing my son so young and praising God!
Last night i was in church singing during worship, as usual i had my son Lachlan on my hip and then i heard him start singing. Yes still in baby babble, but it was soooo cute!
During the morning service he cried when the music came on, i think it was coz he was tired and a little overwhelmed. He cried a little during the night service to but he was okay when he was with me.
At the end of the service we were singing the last worship song for the night before leaving and as someone sung Praise him.. my son opened his arms to recieve Jesus. It was sooo cute!! Some one said "thank you Jesus" and Lachie clapped..
I don't know what was goin through his head at this time, and i will never know for sure. But in my heart i am sure his heart was with Christ. It is enough to make my heart dance inside my chest seeing my son so young and praising God!
What I Have For You?
Last night in church i was worshipping, a song came on i never knew very well and i sung along softly, looking at all the people worshipping God. It softened my heart to see how free everyone was with God. I seen woman and men with their hands raised and singing before the Lord.
I turned my attention to the men, thinking about worldly man and how cool they think it is to be super Macho etc. Inside the church i never seen one male like that. I looked at all the men young and old, wondering where their life has taken them over the years and where there future will go.
I found myself in awe with my fellow brothers of Christ, seeing their gentle side. I've never been part of a church family before so i haven't ever really stopped to look at this. But when i did it blew me away, men talking about the love for their children, with tears in the eyes from worship. How strong are they =)
During worship they played a song i knew off by heart, i was pretty excited about not having to look at the words on the big screen.. Yeah laugh i thought it was something special for me!! I closed my eyes and got into the song, as i was thinking i could feel God's presence with me, reminding me, my future is in his hands. What he has for me is also a man with a gentle heart, a man of God, and a man perfect for me. It's awesome to know Christ has made my future spouse for me, specifically. I'm so excited.
I kept singing during worship and half way through the song i felt this warmth against my skin. I was like, hey now that cannot be God i am sure of it. I pulled my son off my hip and he had wet his pants, and me. i was so embarrassed. Doing the mother thing i went to change his diaper and pants, little to say i had to stay in a wet top..
But it was great to be able to enjoy church. I am going home this weekend for 2 weeks. Needless to say i will miss Church.
I turned my attention to the men, thinking about worldly man and how cool they think it is to be super Macho etc. Inside the church i never seen one male like that. I looked at all the men young and old, wondering where their life has taken them over the years and where there future will go.
I found myself in awe with my fellow brothers of Christ, seeing their gentle side. I've never been part of a church family before so i haven't ever really stopped to look at this. But when i did it blew me away, men talking about the love for their children, with tears in the eyes from worship. How strong are they =)
During worship they played a song i knew off by heart, i was pretty excited about not having to look at the words on the big screen.. Yeah laugh i thought it was something special for me!! I closed my eyes and got into the song, as i was thinking i could feel God's presence with me, reminding me, my future is in his hands. What he has for me is also a man with a gentle heart, a man of God, and a man perfect for me. It's awesome to know Christ has made my future spouse for me, specifically. I'm so excited.
I kept singing during worship and half way through the song i felt this warmth against my skin. I was like, hey now that cannot be God i am sure of it. I pulled my son off my hip and he had wet his pants, and me. i was so embarrassed. Doing the mother thing i went to change his diaper and pants, little to say i had to stay in a wet top..
But it was great to be able to enjoy church. I am going home this weekend for 2 weeks. Needless to say i will miss Church.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Parenting
I was in the church service today listening to Pastor Paul talk about family, children and grandkids etc. It's warming to hear a man talk about the love for his family so openly, some of what he said got me thinking.
So often we do look past our children because there a things we need to do in life, there is always something to do, somewhere to go or someone to see. In life we are rush rush rush and we don't stop to smell the roses.
As a mother there is something much more important than stopping to smell the roses. Yes, smelling the roses might be nice, but stopping to pray with your child, hug him or play with him is a memory they will carry on for life. The smell of roses will fade in your memory, but a childhood determines alot of our children's future.
I want to step up and re commit myself to being a mother, God has given me one of his precious children to raise and bring up in this world and i want to do it the right way. When my son is older i want to be able to look at him knowing that i have always driven myself to be the best Mom i could be. I want to know in myself that i was always in counsel with God and that there weren't vital times i constantly missed.
I know i am not the perfect Mom, I know perfection cannot be reached here on earth. What i do know though is that my precious little son has got the Mom perfect for him, and that she is trying her best.
There is a big wide world out there our children enter sooner than we realise, don't blink to much or you will miss it all. I challange you today to spend some time with your child, hug him/her, tell them how important they are and even spend a few minutes praying with them.
Don't just pray for your children tonight, pray for yourself as a parent. Parenting is a full time job and once you start you cannot stop. We will make mistakes, we do have faults and flaws, ask God to reveal them to you overtime so you can work on them one by one.
Don't make a list and sigh because you think you have more faults than anyone else, it's not a competition and each of us are different. Remember you are also someone's child and very loved!
So often we do look past our children because there a things we need to do in life, there is always something to do, somewhere to go or someone to see. In life we are rush rush rush and we don't stop to smell the roses.
As a mother there is something much more important than stopping to smell the roses. Yes, smelling the roses might be nice, but stopping to pray with your child, hug him or play with him is a memory they will carry on for life. The smell of roses will fade in your memory, but a childhood determines alot of our children's future.
I want to step up and re commit myself to being a mother, God has given me one of his precious children to raise and bring up in this world and i want to do it the right way. When my son is older i want to be able to look at him knowing that i have always driven myself to be the best Mom i could be. I want to know in myself that i was always in counsel with God and that there weren't vital times i constantly missed.
I know i am not the perfect Mom, I know perfection cannot be reached here on earth. What i do know though is that my precious little son has got the Mom perfect for him, and that she is trying her best.
There is a big wide world out there our children enter sooner than we realise, don't blink to much or you will miss it all. I challange you today to spend some time with your child, hug him/her, tell them how important they are and even spend a few minutes praying with them.
Don't just pray for your children tonight, pray for yourself as a parent. Parenting is a full time job and once you start you cannot stop. We will make mistakes, we do have faults and flaws, ask God to reveal them to you overtime so you can work on them one by one.
Don't make a list and sigh because you think you have more faults than anyone else, it's not a competition and each of us are different. Remember you are also someone's child and very loved!
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
New and News
I moved 8 days ago, settled in to a new house, and went to church. My first time attending somewhere that i can call my church, never before have i had a church family. It is weird being able to say i go to this church, because i have never been a member of one church before.
There was a speaker from south africa talking and she was excellent. I think everyone who heard her talk went away with something. I knew i had things to repent for and my heart was convicted.
After church i came home and was able to ring Paul, my son's father and offer him the chance to see Lachlan. I didn't want to before but it wasn't me it was God. When i spoke to Paul it gave me a chance to tell him how i come to make the choice of him seeing Lachie and i pray that he gets something from hearign that.
What is the hardest for me right now, is that i have been there for everything.
I earnt the title Mom, i am a good Mom. Paul gets the title Dad after just walking into his life. For all of my sons life, even before he was born i have been the one loving him, i have been the one paying for everything. Every night i get up, i have been the one to discipline him, dry his tears.
It just hurts to know Paul gets the title Dad after doing nothing. God still has work to do on my heart.
Now i wait for the phone call to say he is coming to see Lachlan, it will be hard. But i know God doesn't make mistakes and i know this is from God. Only one person can change the outcome of this to a bad thing and that is Paul.
His actions will determine the future visits.
Lord,
i ask that you be with Paul, Lachlan and myself. Prepare our hearts for whats going to happen. I ask for your strength emotionally Lord, fill me up with your love, strength and wisdom. I give it all to you Father.
Amen
Saturday, October 22, 2005
SMS
Last night i went to bed reasonably early, thinking i could get an early night and catch up on some sleep. Then i started getting SMS messages on my phone from Rodney. He told me that Paul got out of jail last week and wanted me to ring him.
I felt like bursting into tears, the last thing i needed at this point in time was to deal with this issue. I mean i have alot going on with the Tammy situation, i am moving on the weekend and i am just seeing Lami go through similar with Michael. Except there is a difference, Michael didn't just get out of jail, he is attending church and the is putting the effort in to change his life. All the same it is emotionally difficult.
So despite me not wanting to ring him this morning i did, we spoke for a while. About Lachlan, court, cost of DNA, jail/medical, him moving, working/maitenance and then him seeing Lachlan.
He honestly didn't seem to be aware that he had to attend court next month, so i gave him the date and said i would ring him back with the time because i needed to change it. He said his brother has just gotten back from Hong Kong (he's a teacher) and he'll ask him to take him to court. He will do the DNA and if he has to he will pay for it to.
Then he proceeded to tell me that he got into a fight in jail and ended up in hospital for a week. The time he spent in there gave the doctors a chance to pick up somethign wrong with his heart. He had an x-ray and is waiting on having an ultrasound. He told me not to worry and he'd let me know the results.
Then he went on to say he is moving to Adelaide, he needs to make a fresh start, and he is selling his cars (that's a start). He has also lined up work in Adelaide. we spoke of maitenance.
Then he asked if he could see Lachie and i explained why he couldn't at the moment. He was hurt but understood. He said he understands i have to look out for Lachlan.
Lord,
I lay myself down before you, and ask that you work on my heart. You know all the wounds and scars of my heart, i ask that you come now and heal me. Guide me in the way you want me to go. Be with me every step of the way, may i seek your guidance. May everything i do be your will, every choice i make be in counsel with you Lord. I also pray for Paul. He is fresh out of jail and there does seem to be a change in him Lord, but he needs to do so much more. I need this to be genuine Lord. May he get his life together not only for his children but for him. He needs to get his act together and to start living life.
May his wounds be healed by you father, may he feel the conviction of his ways. May he turn from wrong and follow the right. I just pray he turns from the wrong ways and maybe oneday he will find your light.
Amen
I felt like bursting into tears, the last thing i needed at this point in time was to deal with this issue. I mean i have alot going on with the Tammy situation, i am moving on the weekend and i am just seeing Lami go through similar with Michael. Except there is a difference, Michael didn't just get out of jail, he is attending church and the is putting the effort in to change his life. All the same it is emotionally difficult.
So despite me not wanting to ring him this morning i did, we spoke for a while. About Lachlan, court, cost of DNA, jail/medical, him moving, working/maitenance and then him seeing Lachlan.
He honestly didn't seem to be aware that he had to attend court next month, so i gave him the date and said i would ring him back with the time because i needed to change it. He said his brother has just gotten back from Hong Kong (he's a teacher) and he'll ask him to take him to court. He will do the DNA and if he has to he will pay for it to.
Then he proceeded to tell me that he got into a fight in jail and ended up in hospital for a week. The time he spent in there gave the doctors a chance to pick up somethign wrong with his heart. He had an x-ray and is waiting on having an ultrasound. He told me not to worry and he'd let me know the results.
Then he went on to say he is moving to Adelaide, he needs to make a fresh start, and he is selling his cars (that's a start). He has also lined up work in Adelaide. we spoke of maitenance.
Then he asked if he could see Lachie and i explained why he couldn't at the moment. He was hurt but understood. He said he understands i have to look out for Lachlan.
Lord,
I lay myself down before you, and ask that you work on my heart. You know all the wounds and scars of my heart, i ask that you come now and heal me. Guide me in the way you want me to go. Be with me every step of the way, may i seek your guidance. May everything i do be your will, every choice i make be in counsel with you Lord. I also pray for Paul. He is fresh out of jail and there does seem to be a change in him Lord, but he needs to do so much more. I need this to be genuine Lord. May he get his life together not only for his children but for him. He needs to get his act together and to start living life.
May his wounds be healed by you father, may he feel the conviction of his ways. May he turn from wrong and follow the right. I just pray he turns from the wrong ways and maybe oneday he will find your light.
Amen
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Cries
*cries*
*cries* *cries*
*cries* *cries* *cries*
I hate the fact she can hurt me like this
I hate the fact she does.
I hate Andrea!!
I hate what Tammy is doing to herself.
I can't help her no more.
I don't stand a chance of helping her!
she's cutting herself..
She don't stop and think about what it does to me,
the family and most of all her kids.
she is gonna go stay with Andrea again.
TONIGHT!!
I haven't seen her or the kids barely at all.
she knows i go sunday and she is staying there until saturday.
SO GENEROUS of her!! NOT
She shouldn't even bother..
Wow enough time to say good bye.
sure she can spare it..
Friday, October 14, 2005
Times When I'm Alone
Times When I'm Alone
by Phillip Organ
Lord look at me now,
I'm down on my knees.
I don't know what to do,
And I can't live without Your Love.
I'm alone, Lord, I'm alone.
Give me the strength,
Lord give me the hope,Give me the faith,
And for You Lord, I'll carry on.
For You Lord, I'll carry on.
And when sometimes in life it seems
That I must face the world alone
And the fears I have inside,
They go unknown.
And though the world seems cold
And nobody ever seems to care
No I'll never doubt Your Love
Because I know You're there.
And Lord, I know
That You'll always be here by my side
To help me through the times when I'm alone.
I need You Lord,I need You Lord,
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord.
I do my best for You
I try to make it through.
But no matter how hard I try
I can't make it on my own.
I can't make it on my own.
Help me to see,
What You want me to be.
Show me Your way,
O Father, I need You today.
O Father, I need You!
And when sometimes in life it seems
That I must face the world alone
And the fears I have inside,
They go unknown.
And though the world seems cold
And nobody ever seems to care
No I'll never doubt Your Love
Because I know You're there.
And Lord, I know
That You'll always be here by my side
To help me through the times when I'm alone.
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord.
I know You'll be there when I'm alone.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Awww
I was sitting at the table eating lunch with Ma and Lachlan, Lachie was sitting in his high chair eating his pies.
I could tell he was tired because his eyes looked heavy, i continued eating figuring he'd sleep after lunch.
The next time i looked up and he had his head in his hands with his little eyes closed.. He was fighting the sleep so bad but couldn't. It was so cute i almost cried!!
I took him out and laid him down on his sofa , he took 2 sucks of his bottle and was asleep... so me snuck this picture on my phone...
What a cutie!!!
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Lami
We've shared many laughs,
Often cried many tears,
Supported each other unconditionally
For the last 2 years.
You've stood by me through all the storms,
The hail and the rain,
Rejoiced with me on the other side
When life is good again.
From the day I spoke to you,
I felt the connection,
That kept growing over time.
You are a huge inspiration
and you've really impacted life.
I thank God for you everyday
and for the way He used you in my life,
I thank you for taking my hand
and guiding me back to the light.
I know i'll never find another friend
Like the friend i have you.
God knew what he was doing
When he crossed our paths.
I love You!!
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Pakistani Earth Quake
http://newsfromrussia.com/accidents/2005/10/10/64824.html
More than 20,000 people lost their live in an earth quake.
They are expecting the death toll to to 40,000.
It's heart breaking..
The new scatters images of parents digging with their bare hands searching for their children, and as a mother i can begin to feel just a tiny fraction of their pain. How heart breaking to know your child is trapped under the rubble. Not knowing whether they are alive or dead, but searching frantically to get to them in time.
No medical attention has yet reached many injured people, more than 40,000 injured by the quake which, at a magnitude of 7.6. This earth quake was the strongest that has been felt in South Asia in over a century.
I personally can't imagine living in a place and experiencing earth quakes, floods, tidal waves, hurricanes, volcano's or any possible natural disaster.
I know i certainly will be praying for these people.
More than 20,000 people lost their live in an earth quake.
They are expecting the death toll to to 40,000.
It's heart breaking..
The new scatters images of parents digging with their bare hands searching for their children, and as a mother i can begin to feel just a tiny fraction of their pain. How heart breaking to know your child is trapped under the rubble. Not knowing whether they are alive or dead, but searching frantically to get to them in time.
No medical attention has yet reached many injured people, more than 40,000 injured by the quake which, at a magnitude of 7.6. This earth quake was the strongest that has been felt in South Asia in over a century.
I personally can't imagine living in a place and experiencing earth quakes, floods, tidal waves, hurricanes, volcano's or any possible natural disaster.
I know i certainly will be praying for these people.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Bath
Tonight i enjoyed a relaxing candle lit bath, sounds romantic to don't it =)
I was able to spend some time dreaming about my future husband and the future conversations we will be having, his big strong arms around me when i am feeling like a cuddle.
This opened the door for me to thank God, so I thanked him for everything he has done in my life. God once again opened my eyes to see the situations He has helped me through, been holding me through and everything He has given me and what is yet to come.
I have recently been a little scared about moving out of home, but happy because i have known it is the right thing to do. As i was relaxing in the bath i thought of this woman who lives around here, she is about 35 and still lives with her parents. No she doesn't have a disability, she doesn't have any reason to be staying at home. The only thing holding here there is herself and her fears.
I don't want a life like that, i want to live life with abundance. I want to be free, i want to live, i want to go to a church, meet my Prince, get married, have more kids. I want to be independant.
Yes i love my family, yes would do alot for them, but this is my life and my son's life. I need to step out of comfort and life, because if i don't start now in 10 years i will look back and have regrets. Wonder what i done with my life and wish i did things differently.
So God has been soothing my heart and preparing me as day by day i am closer to the day i move. I continue to pray and consult God and know that it's going to be hard when i move but hey what do they say "All things are possible with Christ".
Now to reflect...
20 Years ago - I was 1 month old, innocent as a button and being cared for by my parents.
10 years ago- I was 10. I was being sexually abused by 2 family members, a very messed up little girl who was withdrawn. My Ma was in and out of hospital with nervous breakdowns and i was being brought up by my father mainly.
5 years ag0- 2000.
I was 15 years old, still being sexually abused, deeply involved in self injury and attempted suicide numerous times. I was skipping school, in a same sex relationship and had been diagnosed with an eating disorder. I miscarried a baby when i was 10 weeks pregnant after a beating and developed deep depression. I became an Auntie to a little boy John.
3 years ago- 2003.
I was 18 years old, been engaged for a year. Completed my final year of high school and passed! I went on to begin a counselling course. I ended my engagement in december that year and fell pregnant around christmas time. I was blessed with a niece this year, Emily was born in march.
1 year ago- 2004.
I had developed a good friendship with a Christian woman and my relationship with Christ was back on track. I was no longer attracted to the same sex by the grace of God. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and begin the journey as a single mom. I was lead to Justsmile Ministries were i was later made advisor and moderator. I was then blessed with another niece Charli.
2005-
I am a wonderful mom to Lachlan. I have accepted the fact that i am a daughter of The King and deserve to be treated as such. God has been working in my heart and on my life, the evidence becoming obvious to others. I was blessed with another niece this year Charlotte. Now I am preparing to move to Gawler with my best friend for a while, until i find my own house. I will be starting a new church and startin fresh.
2006-
I hope to be stronger in Christ and have a better understanding of things. God will be continually preparing me for my future husband. I hope to of overcome alot of my fears and moving forward in the freedom God has given me.
I don't know what the future hold for me, but i do know that wherever i am and what ever i am doing my eyes will be focused on God, my heart on fire with love and desire for Him.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Selfish
Tonight my sister sends me a text message telling me that she isn't coming home before i move out, because she has to think of her self for a change. She says it in a matter of fact way like she actually does think about anyone other than herself.
I am so fustrated, Tammy knows how much i wanted to see Emily and Charlotte before i move and the stuck up brat is just thinking of herself. I am hurt by her choices but i'm not going to let it dampen my excitement about moving. I have to do what is right by Lachlan and myself, so i guess i will see my niece when i come home for Dad's birthday.
Then she went on to say how she has hurt her back and that Andrea is helping her to the loo, shower etc! Now what a surprise *eye roll* She is in so much pain she hasn't been out of bed yet can't possibly see a doctor..
I am so fustrated, Tammy knows how much i wanted to see Emily and Charlotte before i move and the stuck up brat is just thinking of herself. I am hurt by her choices but i'm not going to let it dampen my excitement about moving. I have to do what is right by Lachlan and myself, so i guess i will see my niece when i come home for Dad's birthday.
Then she went on to say how she has hurt her back and that Andrea is helping her to the loo, shower etc! Now what a surprise *eye roll* She is in so much pain she hasn't been out of bed yet can't possibly see a doctor..
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Noodles
Lami rang today and we were talking about our children and the fact they don't have a Dad. No matter how much someone debates with me i will continue the same belief as i have always had. There is alot more to parenting than the fun made while making them or the sperm given to produce them.
Being a dad is so much more than the biological fact, more than the genes. All in all that means nothing in being a dad, not in my eyes anyhoo..
A dad is someone who is in your life, who loves you, provides for you emotionally and financially, some one who can comfort you and so much more. The list is endless.
It breaks my heart when i think of what Daniel and Lami went through at the hand of Michael and the on going emotional issues that comes with it. I'd hate to see the emotional affects it would have on Dan if Michael was in touch with Naomi, it would break his little heart!
On and off Daniel has spoken to me about Michael and how he feels, what Michael done to him. Daniel will never forget what Michael done to him, but he will learn to move past it and how to deal with the issues that arrive from it.
That *thing* does not love Noodles, he threatened to cut her out of Lami's stomach. No one who loves another person would do that, it would of killed Nai and probably Lami too!
I praise God everyday that Lami got away from Michael. If she never i have no doubt in my mind that they would all be dead spiritually, emotionally and i wouldn't be surprised if it was physically as well.
Naomi is beautiful. She has the most gorgeous brown eyes and cute face =)
Her personality is bright, bold, happy and loveable. Spiritually she is on fire for Christ.. It's awesome to see so much fire in a little girl. She is sooo opinionated it's funny, and so loud.
Naomi is 100% her Mothers child, and God is still preparing her Dad. One day he will come along. As for Michael he is no more than a sperm donor, i am greatful for his sperm coz it created such a loving beautiful little girl Naomi - other than that i can't wait till his day of judgement!
If he tries to come near Lami, Daniel or Noodles i won't hesitate to hurt him! They don't deserve to be hurt, he already hurt Daniel and Lami once, and those memories will be there for life. No letter written by him will change a thing, he ain't walking into Nai's life now just because he wrote a stupid letter pretending to be holy.. He is full of shit and fooled the church once into thinking he wow awesome now he's tryin again.
He was an older man in a fellowship position that took advantage of a new christian girl that was his daughters age, lead her into sin, got her pregnant, bashed her and her son!! He was a pig and hasn't changed!!
I will keep prayin for my second family. And can't wait to be there for them all!!
Monday, October 03, 2005
Hurting
It hurts so much!
I knew moving was going to be hard on me emotionally because i love my family sooo much it, I'm so used to having them all right here beside me. Now they won't be beside me i will be in another town, granted it's not that far away but i will miss them so much.
I can't stop crying when i think of Leaving them, i know it's just me adjusting but it hurts. I feel like a baby for being so fragile and weak. I know they don't treat me like i deserve most the time. But right now the pain remains.
I will miss Emily and the way she runs up the drive way screaming my name, the way she cries when they try and take her home, and they occassion real hugs and kiss she gives me.
I will miss Charlotte, her cheeky little smile when ya tell her she's a beutiful little girl, her bright eyes and little laugh.
I will miss John comin in to tease mom about the football, him playing with the toys and just general conversations i have with him.
I will miss Charli, just for her. She has only just started to get to know the family and i have alot to learn about her yet =)
I will miss Mom, although she can be a cow and not very supportive at times. I love her with an unconditional love that just can never be broken. I will miss her company, watchin T.V with her and talking.
I will miss Tammy, even though we fight alot. She will always be my big sister. I will miss walking down the street with her and the kids, going to the shop, and talking.
I will miss Terry coz he is my big bro. I love Terry so much it hurts, we have always been close but as we have grown up we have communicated more, which it good.
I already miss Dad, so there isn't much to say there. I had to kind of adapt. But i will be home on the weekends he is anyhoo =)
Tammy sent me a message saying that she is crying and is going to miss Lachie, though it never mentioned me surprise =( It don't matter anyway, ever since Robert came on the scene again it was like there was no more room for me, now Andrea is in her life, there is plenty of room for her though.
It's not so much of a jealousy, just me missing being part of Tammy's life and being annoyed she has time for other people and not me.
I know that i am going to see all these people again on a regular basis. I will come home and stay and hopefully they might even come and stay with us (if Lami says yes =P)...LOL
I need people to be understanding though, this is all new to me. I have never lived away from home. Never been away from home for a huge period of time, so i am gonna be emotional, i am gonna cry and i will be okay in the end.
But for now, please be here to support me. I need soft right now, not tough. I need a hug *looks around*. I need to go to bed and get some sleep.
I knew moving was going to be hard on me emotionally because i love my family sooo much it, I'm so used to having them all right here beside me. Now they won't be beside me i will be in another town, granted it's not that far away but i will miss them so much.
I can't stop crying when i think of Leaving them, i know it's just me adjusting but it hurts. I feel like a baby for being so fragile and weak. I know they don't treat me like i deserve most the time. But right now the pain remains.
I will miss Emily and the way she runs up the drive way screaming my name, the way she cries when they try and take her home, and they occassion real hugs and kiss she gives me.
I will miss Charlotte, her cheeky little smile when ya tell her she's a beutiful little girl, her bright eyes and little laugh.
I will miss John comin in to tease mom about the football, him playing with the toys and just general conversations i have with him.
I will miss Charli, just for her. She has only just started to get to know the family and i have alot to learn about her yet =)
I will miss Mom, although she can be a cow and not very supportive at times. I love her with an unconditional love that just can never be broken. I will miss her company, watchin T.V with her and talking.
I will miss Tammy, even though we fight alot. She will always be my big sister. I will miss walking down the street with her and the kids, going to the shop, and talking.
I will miss Terry coz he is my big bro. I love Terry so much it hurts, we have always been close but as we have grown up we have communicated more, which it good.
I already miss Dad, so there isn't much to say there. I had to kind of adapt. But i will be home on the weekends he is anyhoo =)
Tammy sent me a message saying that she is crying and is going to miss Lachie, though it never mentioned me surprise =( It don't matter anyway, ever since Robert came on the scene again it was like there was no more room for me, now Andrea is in her life, there is plenty of room for her though.
It's not so much of a jealousy, just me missing being part of Tammy's life and being annoyed she has time for other people and not me.
I know that i am going to see all these people again on a regular basis. I will come home and stay and hopefully they might even come and stay with us (if Lami says yes =P)...LOL
I need people to be understanding though, this is all new to me. I have never lived away from home. Never been away from home for a huge period of time, so i am gonna be emotional, i am gonna cry and i will be okay in the end.
But for now, please be here to support me. I need soft right now, not tough. I need a hug *looks around*. I need to go to bed and get some sleep.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
$$$$
Articles like the one i have linked here make me sick.
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=65436
Rich people can be so selfish with their money, take this guy for example it cost him 25 million dollars i think they said for him to go into space. Don't get me wrong i realise it would be a once in a life time thing to do for most people, but can they not see that there IS better things to spend money on.
It would be nice seeing some money going towards things such as:
- Homeless people (clothing, food, medical assistance, housing/shelters)
- Starving children.
- Children who need money for a life saving operation.
- People affected by natural disaster (such as the hurricanes)
And the list goes on.
It's heart breaking to know what could be done with that money.
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=65436
Rich people can be so selfish with their money, take this guy for example it cost him 25 million dollars i think they said for him to go into space. Don't get me wrong i realise it would be a once in a life time thing to do for most people, but can they not see that there IS better things to spend money on.
It would be nice seeing some money going towards things such as:
- Homeless people (clothing, food, medical assistance, housing/shelters)
- Starving children.
- Children who need money for a life saving operation.
- People affected by natural disaster (such as the hurricanes)
And the list goes on.
It's heart breaking to know what could be done with that money.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Don't Cry Mama
Tonight i told my Ma that i am moving out of home and going to Gawler.
Her bottom lip dropped and she cried, she hugged me and cried some more.
I burest into tears because i hate seeing her sad! I hate seeign her cry and most of all i hate being the one th makes her cry.
She told me she loves me and that it's okay =)
That just made me wanna cry more.
Even though they do so little for me, I love them so much.
I can't stop crying.
WOW.
Why does it hurt?
I know this is the right thing to do, i am excited about it. I guess now it's okay to show my excitement.
*wipes tears*
I just wish Ma didn't cry!
Her bottom lip dropped and she cried, she hugged me and cried some more.
I burest into tears because i hate seeing her sad! I hate seeign her cry and most of all i hate being the one th makes her cry.
She told me she loves me and that it's okay =)
That just made me wanna cry more.
Even though they do so little for me, I love them so much.
I can't stop crying.
WOW.
Why does it hurt?
I know this is the right thing to do, i am excited about it. I guess now it's okay to show my excitement.
*wipes tears*
I just wish Ma didn't cry!
I Quit
Terry has decided to quit smoking.
Saturday 1st October 2005 should be his last day of smoking, he said he wants to finish this pouch.
Recently he has been suffering from chronic chest pains that have dropped him to the ground on many occassions, to the point he couldn't have his daughter for access because he knew he couldn't pick her up when needed =(
The doctor said the rupture to the muscle and stomach was caused from Terry's coughing, the strenous coughing has been brought on by smoking.
I really do hope this is the last time he smokes, and want to support him all the way. If your reading this i am asking you to join in prayer for my big bro.
Lord Jesus,
I lift your precious son Terry up to you right now, he doesn't know you Father and he doesn't understand the love you have for him, i pray oneday he does. Father help Terry as he goes through the withdrawals of smoking, and when he gets cranky. Help him have self control and may he feel strength. May he be able to successfully break free from this addictive cycle and begin finding his way to the life he should be leading.
In your name i pray,
Amen
Friday, September 30, 2005
Spirtually starving
One Way
I lay my life down at Your feet
Cause You're the only one I need
I turn to You and You are always there
In troubled times it's You I seek
I put You first that's all I need
I humble all I am all to You
One way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
You are always, always there
Every how and everywhere
Your grace abounds so deeply within me
You will never ever change
Yesterday today the same
Forever till forever meets no end
You are the Way the Truth and the Life
We live by faith and not by sight for You
We're living all for You
Cause You're the only one I need
I turn to You and You are always there
In troubled times it's You I seek
I put You first that's all I need
I humble all I am all to You
One way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
You are always, always there
Every how and everywhere
Your grace abounds so deeply within me
You will never ever change
Yesterday today the same
Forever till forever meets no end
You are the Way the Truth and the Life
We live by faith and not by sight for You
We're living all for You
Today i danced around singing along to One Way. I danced with spring in my step and joy in my voice, i felt the freedom Christ has given my. I looked at my son as he sat on the floor applauding me and my dancing and tears streamed down my face.
My heart longed to feel this freedom at all time, to be able to sing with such joy and dance with a spring infront of people and at a church. I am not embarrassed to worship God, i am proud. But i feel there is something holding me back, and that something is fear. I am fearful of what people will think of my singing and probably my dancing to. I know i can overcome this though.
I am about to embark on a new journey, moving out of home. I move out of the home where i spent my childhood and where i do find security at times, into a new home with my best friend and her beautiful children. I leave childhood behind and welcome womanhood completely.
I am about to start life walking on the right path, thanks to the generousity of my sister Lami and the plan of my Heavenly Father. I will start a church and have a church family, my first "real" church. All my life i have grown up in a town where i can't go to church, we were taken to a catholic one when we were children on occasions such as funerals, marriages and christenings. I have never belonged to a church or had a church family- so i'm very excited.
I hunger to learn more and more about Christ, want to be more like Jesus and i want to be so much more. There is so much i am yet to understand, so much more i can know and will learn in time!
I want to experience living life to the full and i want my son to experience it aswell. Lachlan deserves to see his Ma on fire for Christ, so he can learn and be feed spiritually.
Lord,
I thank you for the life you have given me and my son, i thank you for freedom you gave us. I thank you that my sins have been paid for! I ask that if there is any leaf left unturned in my garden of sin Lord, which i know there is that you reveal them to me one by one so i can repent and learn a different way if i have not done so. You have blessed me so much with the provisions in my life, and i am here to serve you. I open my arms and ask that you use me to serve you in any way i can. I also ask that you work on my heart, help heal the wounds and work through my issues.
I love you Lord, i always will.
Amen
I'm absolutely convinced that nothing--nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable--absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.
Romans 8:38-39 (The Message)
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Blast From The Past
I was tagged and this is my answer- No i'm not obsessed about sex, a relationship, naked men or anything like that.
(oh thanks, look what my sentence happened to be)
Wanna play?
1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five people to do the same.
If you're reading this consider yourself tagged :)
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
About Me
Name: Kelly Anne Griffiths
Nickname: Keggy,Kel, Kelz, Bross, Do do
Birthday: 16th August 1985
Birthplace: Adelaide, South Australia, Australia
-:-Now-:-
Current mood: Tired
Current music: Eye Of A Tiger
Current taste: Chicken Twisties
Current hair: Blonde with Black streakz
Current clothes: Board shorts and singlet top
Current annoyance: Bad parents shifting the blame
Current smell: Sea Breeze
Current thing I ought to be doing: getting an early night
Current desktop picture: a rose that i have posted on here already :)
Current book: Every Young Womans Battle
Current cd in stereo: Barlow Girl
Current crush: My future Husband (no i don't know him.. yet)
Current favorite celeb: Jesus
-:-Do I-:-
Smoke?: No
Have sex?: Nope
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: Nope
Read the newspaper?: No
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: Yes
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: Absolutely
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: Yes
Consider love a mistake?: Nooo
Like the taste of alcohol?: Nope
Have a favorite candy?: Nope
Believe in astrology?: No
Believe in magic?: No. I believe in Miracles though which are different
Have any pets: 1 Turtle Shayley
Go to or plan to go to college: Nope
Have any piercings?: Tongue and ears
Have any tattoos?: no but i want 2 that aren't in sight
Hate yourself: no
Have an obsession?: no
Have a best friend?: Lami
Wish on stars?: No but star Gaze
Care about looks?: no
-:- L-O-V-E L-I-F-E -:-
First crush: Ryan Kanopoly (yr 7)
First kiss: My Dad
Single or attached?: single
Ever been in love?: No, i'd call it lust
Do you believe in love at first sight?: I believe it is possible, but not necessarily true. depends on God's Plan
Do you believe in "the one"?: Yes, Absolutly
-:-Appearance-:-
Hair: Long, Blonde with Black steaks
Eyes: Blue
-:-Last thing you-:-
Bought: hamburger for my friend for tea
Ate: Chicken Twisties
Drank: water
Read: A text message
Watched on TV: All saints
-:-EITHER / OR-:-
Club or houseparty: House Party, unless it was a Christian club
Cats or dogs: Dog
Pen or pencil: Pen
Food or candy: Food
Cassette or cd: CD
This or that: whatever
-:-Who do you want to-:-
Kill: No. Life is very precious. Though at times i do think about it
Look like: Me
Be like: Jesus
Avoid: Ppl who hurt me
-:-Last person you-:-
Talked to: Terry (brother)
Hugged: Lachlan
Instant messaged: Lami
Kissed: Lachlan
-:-Where do you-:-
Eat: Computer, Table, Street
Cry: With Lami, In room, when i am alone
Wish you were: already moved out starting life as an independant woman
-:-Have you ever-:-
Dated one of your best friends? Yes, and ended with us not talkin'
Loved somebody so much it makes you cry? Yes
Drank alcohol? Yes
Broken the law? Yes, Graffiti once when i was 16
Run away from home? yeah
Broken a bone? yes. Arms, fingers,toes and foot
Played Truth Or Dare?: Yes
Kissed someone you didn't know?: Yes unfortunatly i have
Been in a fight?: yeah
Come close to dying?: So close i have been dead and revived (yes i'm serious)
-:- What is -:-
The most embarrassing CD in your collection?: I'm not embarassed by the stuff i like, we are all different.
Your bedroom like?: Bright, kinda empty coz of moving
-:- Random Questions -:-
What's on your bedside table?: Nappies
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?: fruit
What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?: The Passion
If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?: *Blushes*
What is your biggest fear?: My son being in pain or dying and being helpless
What features are you most insecure about?: eyebrows & nose
Do you ever have to beg?: NOOOOO and wouldn't. hello Princess of THE King here!!
Are you a pyromaniac?: Looks Angelik *who me*
Do you have too many love interests?: No
Do you know anyone famous?: Only Jesus
Describe your bed: Big, comfortable, bright and warm
Spontaneous or plan: Spontaneous
Do you know how to play poker? No and don't want to
What do you carry with you at all times?: My wallet
What do you miss most about being little?: The feeling of being able to close your eyes when your afraid and cuddle into the person who makes you feel secure. Feeling free to be afraid and want comfort, being able to admit it.
Are you happy with your given name?: Yes i am happy with it. It is common but my parents were blessed with a baby girl and i am honoured to hold the name they chose.
How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?: It wouldn't take money, it would take for God to call me somewhere else.
What color is your bedroom?: Blue walls with a red ceiling
What was the last song you were listening to?: Eye of the Tiger
Have you ever been in a play?: Yes, I was embarrassed too
Best friend?: Lami
Do you talk a lot?: If i know the person/people. If i am in new surroundings with new ppl i can be VERY shy
Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?: Yes, but do have negative moments
Do you think you're cute: I can be pretty
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?: Of Course
What is the first thing you think when you see two gay guys or lesbians holding hands?: What kind of childhood they had
Nickname: Keggy,Kel, Kelz, Bross, Do do
Birthday: 16th August 1985
Birthplace: Adelaide, South Australia, Australia
-:-Now-:-
Current mood: Tired
Current music: Eye Of A Tiger
Current taste: Chicken Twisties
Current hair: Blonde with Black streakz
Current clothes: Board shorts and singlet top
Current annoyance: Bad parents shifting the blame
Current smell: Sea Breeze
Current thing I ought to be doing: getting an early night
Current desktop picture: a rose that i have posted on here already :)
Current book: Every Young Womans Battle
Current cd in stereo: Barlow Girl
Current crush: My future Husband (no i don't know him.. yet)
Current favorite celeb: Jesus
-:-Do I-:-
Smoke?: No
Have sex?: Nope
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: Nope
Read the newspaper?: No
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: Yes
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: Absolutely
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: Yes
Consider love a mistake?: Nooo
Like the taste of alcohol?: Nope
Have a favorite candy?: Nope
Believe in astrology?: No
Believe in magic?: No. I believe in Miracles though which are different
Have any pets: 1 Turtle Shayley
Go to or plan to go to college: Nope
Have any piercings?: Tongue and ears
Have any tattoos?: no but i want 2 that aren't in sight
Hate yourself: no
Have an obsession?: no
Have a best friend?: Lami
Wish on stars?: No but star Gaze
Care about looks?: no
-:- L-O-V-E L-I-F-E -:-
First crush: Ryan Kanopoly (yr 7)
First kiss: My Dad
Single or attached?: single
Ever been in love?: No, i'd call it lust
Do you believe in love at first sight?: I believe it is possible, but not necessarily true. depends on God's Plan
Do you believe in "the one"?: Yes, Absolutly
-:-Appearance-:-
Hair: Long, Blonde with Black steaks
Eyes: Blue
-:-Last thing you-:-
Bought: hamburger for my friend for tea
Ate: Chicken Twisties
Drank: water
Read: A text message
Watched on TV: All saints
-:-EITHER / OR-:-
Club or houseparty: House Party, unless it was a Christian club
Cats or dogs: Dog
Pen or pencil: Pen
Food or candy: Food
Cassette or cd: CD
This or that: whatever
-:-Who do you want to-:-
Kill: No. Life is very precious. Though at times i do think about it
Look like: Me
Be like: Jesus
Avoid: Ppl who hurt me
-:-Last person you-:-
Talked to: Terry (brother)
Hugged: Lachlan
Instant messaged: Lami
Kissed: Lachlan
-:-Where do you-:-
Eat: Computer, Table, Street
Cry: With Lami, In room, when i am alone
Wish you were: already moved out starting life as an independant woman
-:-Have you ever-:-
Dated one of your best friends? Yes, and ended with us not talkin'
Loved somebody so much it makes you cry? Yes
Drank alcohol? Yes
Broken the law? Yes, Graffiti once when i was 16
Run away from home? yeah
Broken a bone? yes. Arms, fingers,toes and foot
Played Truth Or Dare?: Yes
Kissed someone you didn't know?: Yes unfortunatly i have
Been in a fight?: yeah
Come close to dying?: So close i have been dead and revived (yes i'm serious)
-:- What is -:-
The most embarrassing CD in your collection?: I'm not embarassed by the stuff i like, we are all different.
Your bedroom like?: Bright, kinda empty coz of moving
-:- Random Questions -:-
What's on your bedside table?: Nappies
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?: fruit
What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?: The Passion
If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?: *Blushes*
What is your biggest fear?: My son being in pain or dying and being helpless
What features are you most insecure about?: eyebrows & nose
Do you ever have to beg?: NOOOOO and wouldn't. hello Princess of THE King here!!
Are you a pyromaniac?: Looks Angelik *who me*
Do you have too many love interests?: No
Do you know anyone famous?: Only Jesus
Describe your bed: Big, comfortable, bright and warm
Spontaneous or plan: Spontaneous
Do you know how to play poker? No and don't want to
What do you carry with you at all times?: My wallet
What do you miss most about being little?: The feeling of being able to close your eyes when your afraid and cuddle into the person who makes you feel secure. Feeling free to be afraid and want comfort, being able to admit it.
Are you happy with your given name?: Yes i am happy with it. It is common but my parents were blessed with a baby girl and i am honoured to hold the name they chose.
How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?: It wouldn't take money, it would take for God to call me somewhere else.
What color is your bedroom?: Blue walls with a red ceiling
What was the last song you were listening to?: Eye of the Tiger
Have you ever been in a play?: Yes, I was embarrassed too
Best friend?: Lami
Do you talk a lot?: If i know the person/people. If i am in new surroundings with new ppl i can be VERY shy
Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?: Yes, but do have negative moments
Do you think you're cute: I can be pretty
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?: Of Course
What is the first thing you think when you see two gay guys or lesbians holding hands?: What kind of childhood they had
Monday, September 19, 2005
Lachlan's Birthday Poem
Lachlan Scott
I remember the night you were born,
when i held you close in my arms.
I thanked God for my precious gift,
a beautiful baby son.
Tears rolled from my eyes,
As i looked at my little boy.
A head full of dark hair,
and beautiful eyes.
Your Mama's Little Buddy,
A miracle in my eyes.
A reminder of God's presence,
And movement in my life.
Every time I see you smile,
It brings joy to my heart.
I watch you in hysterics,
As you throw your head back and laugh.
Your laughter is music to my ears,
Always something Mama love's to hear.
You have a gentle kiss and unconditional love,
Your Mama's little boy sent from Heaven above.
Little things excite you,
You remind me how free kids should be.
You inspire me to be myself.
Instead of worrying about everything worldly.
I love your big dymples and beautiful smile
Your chubby little hands too,
Your big brown eyes melt Mama's heart
My special little boy, I love you!
Above all I only have to look at you,
Your mama's pride and joy.
I thank God every day for my miracle,
My special little boy.
Friday, September 16, 2005
Precious Moments
On a rare occassion is my Dad well enough to play with the kids, so tonight when he picked Lachlan up off the floor and sat him on his lap, it was a truely heart touching moment.
These pictures bring tears to my eyes because they are so special to me!
My Dad is a huge part of my life, even though the illness has changed his appearance and his personality, from time to time we get a little climpse of Dad's heart. I know thats still the same..
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Betrayed
There was a thump of the door, and then i seen his face.The man that sexually abused me, once again standing right before me.
I was overcome with emotion, I was scared, hurt, heart broken and angry.
I was on MSN and frantically typing to my best friend and friend.
Getting mixed reactions from both people, but support from both as well.
I was talking alot, holding back the tears until I was alone in the room.
Tears flowed down my face and i finally gave into crying.
Prayers must of come through, because i suddenly feel alot more peaceful.
God has given me the ability finally accept the fact that i will never understand the mind of my family. I am still working through the fact that it hurts, and God is going to help me deal with these issues one step at a time.
I'm not strong, i am so weak. I find strength in Christ!
Honestly without Christ i couldn't cope with everything that is going on in my life at the moment.
Recently my life has been like a soap opera, only much worse.
Unlike television the pain is real!
My family betrays me, and they do know what they do. Knowingly they repeatively act in an inconsiderate way and it hurts me. I am a person who believe loyalty is very important in any relationship, i hold loyalty to them down to the ground, but they have no loyalty toward me.
I thank God for loving me and for the knowledge He will never abandon me or betray me.
I praise God for the people he has put in my life to help me deal with things.
I thank God for my life and for free will.
My actions will determine MY future
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Monday, September 12, 2005
September 11th
It was 11.27pm when my eyes were drawn to the time on the computer, i slowly watched as time ticke over to September the 11th.
4 years ago a tragic event of september took place, innocent people killed, average people stood up and helped save live and the nations united. You could feel the love as people drew together to help and pray.
Today i have spent time in prayer for everyone effected by september the 11th and remberance for those who perished. As i cleaned my room i reached into a bag where i found a letter from a friend, this letter was written just after the twin tower incident.
I was 16 and a baby christian, he was 18 with a strong relationship with Christ. He spoke of how desensitsed he felt to what had happened. Then also wrote "everyone else bought my act of being okay, no one bothered to look behind the mask. how did you know". To be honest i don't know how i knew Chris wasn't okay, i just took the time to speak to him, and look into his eyes. Then i took the time to find out what was going on. In life many of us walk by people not taking notice of who they are or even take the time to second guess if they are okay. It takes a tragedy for someone to stand and take notice.
Many brave men and women gave up their time, money and some even their lives to reach out a resue others. Wouldn't it be good if everyday we had the same heart as when tradgedy occurs, it would make the world so much better.
Lord,
Today i have spent time remembering those who perished in the tragedy of the twin towers. Men, women and children died, not only was that tragic enough but it sent a wave of pain, shock and devastation around the world.
Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, friends all lost loved ones. The deaths of those they loved changing their live forever.
People came together to pray Father, and rejoiced in the life that was found. We grieved for strangers. My hearts desire is to see the world unite, see each person love one another and care about what happens to them.
Be with all all the people that were touched by this Lord, especially the ones who lost loved ones.
In Jesus name,
Amen
Friday, September 09, 2005
Battle
It had been a while since i picked up a book, so today i was inspired to read, I am guessing it was God.I chose this book, because as much as i like to think i can do without reading it- i can't.
I have a desire to not only remain abstient from sex,but to maintain a pure heart and also pure thoughts. Recently i can admit, my thoughts have slipped backwards recently.
No i'm not obsessed about sex, a relationship, naked men or anything like that. However i have thought about a guy in an inappropriate way.
I am more than aware that my thoughts aren't pure and i need to stop them. I can't do it by my own strength but i can with the strength of Jesus. That is why i have started to pray about my thoughts, talk to my non christian friends about Jesus more and my morals and read this book.
I find no shame in admitting that i have been struggling with this for about 6 months, I'm not proud of my thoughts, but i am proud of myself for being able to stand and be real. To show other christians i do struggle like any other human being, i'm not gonna hide this struggle but share it.
The other day i read a christian avatar that said do not pollute your mind. I found it to be very eye opening. Look at the world we live in today, sex is on television as if it is a general activity to take part in, people have sex on trains infront of people, and people are easily exposed to sexual material.
I know it takes a choice. I know i am forced to make a choice not to look in the direction of the magazine when i got to the local petrol station because along side of the Cleo, Girlfriend and all the others is the pornography. I chose when i come on the internet not to look at pornography or sites that contain sexual material. We are all faced with little challenges in life, we are responsible for our choices. In a way the world is partly responsible for making the material available, but when you make the choice not to follow the crowd, you can stand proud.
So now i pick up the book and read again, knowing that i will find answers and comfort in knowing and reading stories from people who also struggle. I love being a real christian.
There is no shame in me.
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