My little man is growing so fast.
On Monday the 12th December 2005 he began walking.
He just got up and took off all on his own.
My heart rejoices to see his beautiful smile and happy squels as he succeeds at walking from one place to another.
I can't believe he is growing up so fast, right before my eyes.
It seems like yesterday he was my little new born son wrapped up in a blanket safely my arms.
Dependant on Mommy for everything, now i watch as he slowly forms his own personality and independance.
I love his gentle kisses.. his soft hugs.. and the way he loves me.
I love his soft gentle brown eyes and his dymples when he smiles.
I thank God for him, because he is nothing short of a miracle..
Today i am loving motherhood.
Slowly i feel like i am rising above something.
It could just be a day but it's a start.
To all of you, remember to tell the ones you love what they mean to you. Because you never know when it will be their last.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
Parenting
Parenting would have to be the hardest yet most rewarding job i have ever had.
When i found out i was pregnant i knew i would be doing it alone, and i never once thought it would be easy. I didn't picture it an easy ride and i never pictured a baby that would do everything i wanted.
I know money wouldn't be something i could splash around, that didn't and still doesn't bother me. I knew that time wouldn't be something i would have alot of, and that doesn't really bother me. It has taken time to adjust though. I never expected Lachie to be a clean child, so the washing etc doesn't bother me.
I did however expect his behaviour to be better than it is. I never expected everthing to be perfect and for him to listen to everything i said. I expected him not to listen a little, i expected some cheekiness and naughtiness.
But what i have is complete defiancy, he barely listens to me. He has turned aggressive, if he doesn't get his own way he throws a temper tantrum and smacks people.
I never imagined that it could be so crushing. That the way your child acts could be like an elephant stamping in your heart. So much so that it squeezes all of the energy out of me. I don't understand why people who don't care about their kids can have kids that are good and crave attention and then my son who is surrounded with attention, people that love him, love and happiness isn't being good.
Yes i do have an ideal picture of what i would like my family to be like. But i also have a realistic one. There is something up with Lachlans behaviour, and i know in my heart my parenting isn't that bad. I know there are areas i can improve on and i am working on them slowly. until then how do i hold on...
I know i have to go to God more, give my thoughts and feelings to him. I have to leave this problem in his hands. I need to be praying more. Because it's all dragging me down and i need God to lift me up.
Lord,
lift me, fill me and heal me.
For inside i am broken.
My spirit fills squashed and i am thirsty for you.
I let go of everything i have done, and i run into your open arms.
I give my parenting to you Lord, i give my heart to you.
Let your will be done.
Grant me wisdom to do the things i need to do and let go of the things i cannot change.
Amen
When i found out i was pregnant i knew i would be doing it alone, and i never once thought it would be easy. I didn't picture it an easy ride and i never pictured a baby that would do everything i wanted.
I know money wouldn't be something i could splash around, that didn't and still doesn't bother me. I knew that time wouldn't be something i would have alot of, and that doesn't really bother me. It has taken time to adjust though. I never expected Lachie to be a clean child, so the washing etc doesn't bother me.
I did however expect his behaviour to be better than it is. I never expected everthing to be perfect and for him to listen to everything i said. I expected him not to listen a little, i expected some cheekiness and naughtiness.
But what i have is complete defiancy, he barely listens to me. He has turned aggressive, if he doesn't get his own way he throws a temper tantrum and smacks people.
I never imagined that it could be so crushing. That the way your child acts could be like an elephant stamping in your heart. So much so that it squeezes all of the energy out of me. I don't understand why people who don't care about their kids can have kids that are good and crave attention and then my son who is surrounded with attention, people that love him, love and happiness isn't being good.
Yes i do have an ideal picture of what i would like my family to be like. But i also have a realistic one. There is something up with Lachlans behaviour, and i know in my heart my parenting isn't that bad. I know there are areas i can improve on and i am working on them slowly. until then how do i hold on...
I know i have to go to God more, give my thoughts and feelings to him. I have to leave this problem in his hands. I need to be praying more. Because it's all dragging me down and i need God to lift me up.
Lord,
lift me, fill me and heal me.
For inside i am broken.
My spirit fills squashed and i am thirsty for you.
I let go of everything i have done, and i run into your open arms.
I give my parenting to you Lord, i give my heart to you.
Let your will be done.
Grant me wisdom to do the things i need to do and let go of the things i cannot change.
Amen
Friday, December 09, 2005
7 Things
Lami from Lami*By*Design tagged me-
Seven Things I want to do before I die
1. Get married
2. Have more kids
3. Become a Counsellor/social worker
4. Go to Africa
5. Sky Dive
6. Get my car License and a car
7. Own a home
Seven things I cannot do
1. Drive (legally)
2. Fly (i'm too scared)
3. Dive into water (nose don't agree with that)
4. Understand the Bible i have
5. Run a marathon
6. Complete a heart transplant
7. Kill an animal (unless it is in severe pain and no one else was there and then i would cry so very much).
Seven things that attract me to my best friend, Lami
1. Beautiful heart and soul
2. Open mindness and support
3. Personality
4. She's an awesome comforter and cuddler
5. Beautiful brown eyes
6. Awesome sense of humour
7. She like food!
Seven things I say most often
1. I love you
2. Ok
3. Lachlan
4. F%$k (Not a good one)
5. Hey
6. OUCH
7. Ma
Ten Movies I could watch over and over and over again
1. Crossroads
2. 50 first dates
3. Never been kissed
4. Suddenly 30
5. Save the last dance
6. 10 things I hate about you
7. Stepmom
8. My Best Friend's Wedding
9. The Wedding Singer
10. Shrek
Now i tag: YOU
Seven Things I want to do before I die
1. Get married
2. Have more kids
3. Become a Counsellor/social worker
4. Go to Africa
5. Sky Dive
6. Get my car License and a car
7. Own a home
Seven things I cannot do
1. Drive (legally)
2. Fly (i'm too scared)
3. Dive into water (nose don't agree with that)
4. Understand the Bible i have
5. Run a marathon
6. Complete a heart transplant
7. Kill an animal (unless it is in severe pain and no one else was there and then i would cry so very much).
Seven things that attract me to my best friend, Lami
1. Beautiful heart and soul
2. Open mindness and support
3. Personality
4. She's an awesome comforter and cuddler
5. Beautiful brown eyes
6. Awesome sense of humour
7. She like food!
Seven things I say most often
1. I love you
2. Ok
3. Lachlan
4. F%$k (Not a good one)
5. Hey
6. OUCH
7. Ma
Ten Movies I could watch over and over and over again
1. Crossroads
2. 50 first dates
3. Never been kissed
4. Suddenly 30
5. Save the last dance
6. 10 things I hate about you
7. Stepmom
8. My Best Friend's Wedding
9. The Wedding Singer
10. Shrek
Now i tag: YOU
Storm
Well i thought i should let you all know that i have an addition to my family.
Yesterday Lami and i were walking home from the street after being out all day, when we passed a house just up from ours, Lami asked if we could see their Kittens.
I fell in love with the black one and Lami loved the ginger tiger one. We decided to take them both =)
I have a little black kitten called Storm, and it has really dark greeny blue eyes. It is really cuddly but playful..
Lami got the ginger one. It looks like it has tiger stripes =~P
She named him Tiger. He is the leader, very playful and into mischief alot..
Like last night i feed them and soon as Tiger seen the food he splashed Storm with water .. soo rude.
I think each Kitten compliments the personalities of us.
And they are bestfriends as well.
The kids adore them too.. I wonder how Lachlan will go with them..
Kat you get to meet our Kittens when you come up, way cool =~P
You have to love them and be nice because they are ours.
I will try and get a picture up soon.
Yesterday Lami and i were walking home from the street after being out all day, when we passed a house just up from ours, Lami asked if we could see their Kittens.
I fell in love with the black one and Lami loved the ginger tiger one. We decided to take them both =)
I have a little black kitten called Storm, and it has really dark greeny blue eyes. It is really cuddly but playful..
Lami got the ginger one. It looks like it has tiger stripes =~P
She named him Tiger. He is the leader, very playful and into mischief alot..
Like last night i feed them and soon as Tiger seen the food he splashed Storm with water .. soo rude.
I think each Kitten compliments the personalities of us.
And they are bestfriends as well.
The kids adore them too.. I wonder how Lachlan will go with them..
Kat you get to meet our Kittens when you come up, way cool =~P
You have to love them and be nice because they are ours.
I will try and get a picture up soon.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Cross Road
As i was walking to pick Daniel up from school, i was looking at the creek that runs along the path. The breeze was blowing on my face and it lifted me up from the hole i've been in for the last few days.
The situation with Paul has hurt me hard. As i was walking tears streamed down my face as i felt God's presence surround me and tell me it wasn't my fault. I know in my heart that i have to take the next step and ring Paul, giving him the ultimatium. But i am afraid of what Paul is going to say, but know i have to step up and do this.
Lachlan deserves to have a Dad in his life. If Paul can't step up to the responsibility of being the Father in Lachie's life then he is going to have to step out of his life. I know in my heart that God has a husband for me and a Father for Lachlan, a much better Father than what Paul is trying to be right know.
One of my fears is that when Lachlan is older that Paul will try and tell him the reason he never seen him was because i wouldn't let him. That isn't true. I have listened to God. I provided Paul with the opportunity to see Lachlan and get to be the father in his life, i have given him the chance to change his life and he has choosen not to.
As a Mommy it is my time to step up and do what i don't want to do, but know is right. Because i love Lachlan enough to put him first in my life. The future is already written i guess, i just have to wait and trust in God.
As i came closer to the school, it was like God revealed a picture to me. Of the whole world and this little girl (me). The world was big and beautiful, with me trusting God. But the world with me not going to God, building the relationship daily was a dark and scary place.
Although right now my heart hurts, and it hurts for Lachlan - I know it won't be that bad. I know that i have God and he has me in His hand. That his plans are not to hurt me.
The situation with Paul has hurt me hard. As i was walking tears streamed down my face as i felt God's presence surround me and tell me it wasn't my fault. I know in my heart that i have to take the next step and ring Paul, giving him the ultimatium. But i am afraid of what Paul is going to say, but know i have to step up and do this.
Lachlan deserves to have a Dad in his life. If Paul can't step up to the responsibility of being the Father in Lachie's life then he is going to have to step out of his life. I know in my heart that God has a husband for me and a Father for Lachlan, a much better Father than what Paul is trying to be right know.
One of my fears is that when Lachlan is older that Paul will try and tell him the reason he never seen him was because i wouldn't let him. That isn't true. I have listened to God. I provided Paul with the opportunity to see Lachlan and get to be the father in his life, i have given him the chance to change his life and he has choosen not to.
As a Mommy it is my time to step up and do what i don't want to do, but know is right. Because i love Lachlan enough to put him first in my life. The future is already written i guess, i just have to wait and trust in God.
As i came closer to the school, it was like God revealed a picture to me. Of the whole world and this little girl (me). The world was big and beautiful, with me trusting God. But the world with me not going to God, building the relationship daily was a dark and scary place.
Although right now my heart hurts, and it hurts for Lachlan - I know it won't be that bad. I know that i have God and he has me in His hand. That his plans are not to hurt me.
Porcelain Heart
Broken heart one more time
Pick yourself up, why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole
[Chorus:]
You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine
Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break
Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again
- Barlow Girl
And then she breaks downs and cries.
She tried, she felt the pain.
Now somethings gotta change.
She wants to hide.
She doesn't want to face the day.
But somethings got to change.
-Me
Monday, December 05, 2005
Protector
As a single mom i have always considered myself the protector of my family. I have always been the one to make sure Lachlan has what he needs, is protected from dangers and all that sort of parenting stuff.
Yes i have always considered myself a single mom in the sense that i do all the parenting, but i know my parenting is with God. Recently i felt God tell me to contact Paul and let him see Lachlan. So i did that, and Paul came and seen Lachlan a week later.
That was 4 weeks ago, i asked him on a number of occassions wheh he was coming to see Lachlan and he gave a round about answer. "Next week sometime because i am busy with work this week", "maybe next tuesday or wednesday".... all of these round about replies.
So once again i text him and he said he didn't know when he could come, i said i needed a date because i have to organise stuff and we need to make more regular meeting dates. His reply was "so do you want me?"..
His response was like a punch to my heart, i was trying to seriously talk to him about Lachlan and he was worried about getting laid (not that we have that sort of relationship to clear that up!). My response was less than friendly and i put the phone away. With the realisation that he probably doesn't care about his own son.
I am supposed to be the one to protect Lachlan and i left him open to be hurt emotionally, not that i think he will remember much of this, but still. I have to admit that i hurt to, not because there is anything lost. But because i have to except that the father of my child cares more about sex than his own son.
It doesn't make me feel good.
I don't want to let go of Paul, because i am letting go of the father he should be. Knowing i have to wait until i am married until he has some one to call Dad. Seeing Alik at Naomi's birthday party made my heart pound. There was this handsome guy, playing with my son and it all come so naturally. The first time Alik had meet Lachlan and he was on the floor playing trucks with him and stuff and yet Paul (his own father) don't seem to care..
How does that work?
How can you not care about your own child? i just don't understand.
Yes i have always considered myself a single mom in the sense that i do all the parenting, but i know my parenting is with God. Recently i felt God tell me to contact Paul and let him see Lachlan. So i did that, and Paul came and seen Lachlan a week later.
That was 4 weeks ago, i asked him on a number of occassions wheh he was coming to see Lachlan and he gave a round about answer. "Next week sometime because i am busy with work this week", "maybe next tuesday or wednesday".... all of these round about replies.
So once again i text him and he said he didn't know when he could come, i said i needed a date because i have to organise stuff and we need to make more regular meeting dates. His reply was "so do you want me?"..
His response was like a punch to my heart, i was trying to seriously talk to him about Lachlan and he was worried about getting laid (not that we have that sort of relationship to clear that up!). My response was less than friendly and i put the phone away. With the realisation that he probably doesn't care about his own son.
I am supposed to be the one to protect Lachlan and i left him open to be hurt emotionally, not that i think he will remember much of this, but still. I have to admit that i hurt to, not because there is anything lost. But because i have to except that the father of my child cares more about sex than his own son.
It doesn't make me feel good.
I don't want to let go of Paul, because i am letting go of the father he should be. Knowing i have to wait until i am married until he has some one to call Dad. Seeing Alik at Naomi's birthday party made my heart pound. There was this handsome guy, playing with my son and it all come so naturally. The first time Alik had meet Lachlan and he was on the floor playing trucks with him and stuff and yet Paul (his own father) don't seem to care..
How does that work?
How can you not care about your own child? i just don't understand.
Friday, December 02, 2005
??How??
I sit and wonder how long it is going to take for me to realise i have to let go of my fears in order to soar?
Last night i went to Nai's Kindy Concert, i was okay right up until we stacked the chairs and the hall wasn't in an ordered way. The people were everywhere and i couldn't handle it. I felt intimidated and was analyzing every single person that was in the hall, especially the men.
I went into a panicked state where i had to hold back the tears (just because the hall was packed with people). Yes my bestfriend was there, yes i had my son, but i felt like running..
Am i ever gonna get over it? how do i take the steps to getting over this? I know if i don't get over it there is limited chance of me meeting my husband. I am a shy person as it is, honestly i struggle just to be around people i don't know and thats without talking to them. So how am i going to meet new people and have them as friends, and my future husband..
I really feel like inserting a giggle at my pathicness!!
So there i admit i need to get over this, only coz i feel it's holding me back and i know if i don't i won't have much of a life. No friends, No husband and it will be hard on my son...
Last night i went to Nai's Kindy Concert, i was okay right up until we stacked the chairs and the hall wasn't in an ordered way. The people were everywhere and i couldn't handle it. I felt intimidated and was analyzing every single person that was in the hall, especially the men.
I went into a panicked state where i had to hold back the tears (just because the hall was packed with people). Yes my bestfriend was there, yes i had my son, but i felt like running..
Am i ever gonna get over it? how do i take the steps to getting over this? I know if i don't get over it there is limited chance of me meeting my husband. I am a shy person as it is, honestly i struggle just to be around people i don't know and thats without talking to them. So how am i going to meet new people and have them as friends, and my future husband..
I really feel like inserting a giggle at my pathicness!!
So there i admit i need to get over this, only coz i feel it's holding me back and i know if i don't i won't have much of a life. No friends, No husband and it will be hard on my son...
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