Moved to myspace

Hello everyone..
Just letting you know that i have moved my blog to myspace..
So feel free to add me if you know me, and if not i don't approve people with messaging them a few times to roughly know what they are like.


http://www.myspace.com/proud_to_be_gods_girl

I want to be

I want to be a

Woman of virtue
Singer of song
Woman of strength
Righter of wrong.

Gentle healer
Believing and wise
Woman of faith
Without compromise.

Giver of joy
Heart filled with love
Compassionate friend
Empowered from above.

Sower of peace
Weaver of song
Dancer of joy
Tender and strong.

Precious to the Father
Bride of the Son
Filled with the Spirit
Beloved one.

Lift

I know you're hurting
Feels like you're learning
'Bout life the hard way
And it ain't working
Seems like forever
That you've been falling
It's time to move on
Your life is calling, yeah

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

Cos i know how hard it can get
But you've gotta lift
you've gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But i know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You've gotta lift
You've gotta lift

When you can feel your
Whole body's aching
What's left of your heart
It won't stop breaking
You've got to let go
you took a hit
Time to pick up now
move on from this


You've got to lift yourself up above all the hurt
Don't give in
Wipe your eyes and remember you're better than this
let them know that they took their best shot and they missed
Come on and lift

Pick up now...
Pick up now...

Landscape

Landscape
By Roy Lessin,Co-founder DaySpring Cards

Your life's like a landscape and God has the brush.
The work is in progress, He's not in a rush.
Each stroke has a purpose, nothing's by chance.
To see all His wisdom takes more than a glance.

Notice the sunbeams that shine on the dew --Even the clouds can't keep them from view.
Look at the pathway that turns at the hill --Its course will reveal what's next in His will.

The stream that's flowing with water so blue
Is bringing down blessings meant just for you.
The trees that are planted close to the stream
Will bring forth more fruit than you've ever seen.

The bird in the nest with mouth opened wide
Is just a reminder that God will provide.
Now look at the sheep in the meadow that's near
And notice the Shepherd that keeps them from fear.

He's brought them to pastures which give forth the best,
That cool and refresh, and keep them in rest.
The eagle above, that soars o'er the gale
Is God's way of saying, "My strength will not fail."

That part of the painting which now seems unclear
Will take on new meaning with each passing year.
So trust God to work in His own perfect way
And rejoice in the beauty He's painting today.




~I got this in an email sent to me from Daysprings Today, i think it's awesome so i just wanted to share. I hope you enjoy it. The person who wrote it is very talented~

Emotional

At the moment i can't help but feel sad.
I have so many emotions running around inside and yet i am so afraid to talk or think about what causes them.
I'm sitting here trying to fight back the tears, crying will just hurt me more and make the pain more obvious right now.
I just want to hide, sheild myself from the emotions.



When youre feeling low
Let me let you know,
That were all sad sometimes.
Jesus carries you,
Hes gonna see you through;
Hell never leave cause he loves you.
Oh, where do you hide your heart
Tell me, where do you hide your heart

~Amy Grant: Where Do You Hide Your Heart~

1 Year To Go

Yesterday I realised that it was exactly a year to the day that i plan on being married.
The wedding date set in place is 6th October 2007.

Still i find it hard to believe that in one year i will be married.
Not only will i be married but i will be married to the man God himself has for me.
I am nervous, but not in a bad way.
But in a way that this is all so new and will take getting used to.

I go about preparing for the wedding because i know that if i don't, by the time i get around to believing i am getting married it will be to late.
I so clearly haven't planned for a wedding before so this is all new.
Preparing for the wedding, the venues, dress etc..

I know in a year i have to face alot of changes.
I know there are some people i love that have to face alot of changes, and it is going to be tough.
Please keep me and my loved ones in your prayers as you read this.
Because our hearts need preparing.

Parents

It makes me so mad some parents can send their children dressed how they do.
Their are children in rags while their parents smoke pot, drink and gamble.
Then their are the little girls who have their bodies displayed to the world by their parents.
They don't need the bikini's, they don't need shorts as small as their knickers, or tops showing their bellies.
Dang I wish parents would be parents and take some responsibility.

Reaching Out

Yesterday i had a meeting with one of the pastor's in our church.
For months i had felt something inside of me, needing to speak with her.
But each time i let fear dismiss the idea and went about life.
Until the other day i realised if i don't make the appointment i am not going to go.. and i couldn't skip out on an appointment with the Pastor.

Yesterday i went to the appointment and we talked for about an hour, discussing a range of different things.
And by the time i left i had agreed to see her every 3 weeks for 12 months.
Our discussion wasn't bad, but it was deep.
I felt like i was able to talk, and that she was listening.
By the time i left the appointment i was able to process what we had spoken about and look forward to building a relationship with my pastor.

Yes i think having a relationship with your Pastor is important.
This is the first church i have attended full time, and it has taken 11 months to make an appointment to really talk to a Pastor.
I am proud of myself.

Because yesterday i wanted to advoid the appointment, but i challenged myself in.
I was honest, upfront and told her how i felt (even that i was scared of being there).

In the next 12 months i can see myself hopefully working through some things with the Pastor, things to prepare me for the future, for my marriage, for my life.... Spiritually, emotionally and mentally..

Lachie Is 2

Hi everyone.
Most of you know by now that Lachlan turned 2 on the 19th september.
On sunday the 17th september we had a lunch for him.
Allan came to church and came over for dinner.
Lami cooked a heaps yummy roast lamb and potato bake.
Lami also made the birthday cake.. YUMMY
It was a marbeled mudcake... *gets hungry at the thought*

And then he got weirded out about the snake..
I think he thought it was a live worm.. lol

And then the present from Allan.

I will post some again soon some more pictures from on his actual birthday, i just have to put them on the computer :o)

I can't believe my little man is 2 already..
I love him heaps though!!!
Even when he gets me grumbly..

Engaged

On saturday the 9th september 2006, I got engaged.
It was one of those moments a girl dreams of.
Except maybe i was a little bit too nervous!!

I got to the train station and seen Allan waiting with a rose.
He told me he had something very important to ask and then led me from the walk way.
He got down on one knee with the rose laying in his hands and asked me to marry him!!!

Of course i said yes..
Being a rather introverted person it was a full on proposal.
I felt the eyes of the strangers around me.
But i managed to look at Allan and pretend he was the only one there.

For me my head is spinning and my heart is full.
I love Allan so much.
Most of all i am thankful to God for bringing Allan into my life.
I knew it was all with his timing, i guess it is as they say.. when you least expect it.

I am going to say thank you to Lami also.
Babe your a sister and a best friend to me.
You are a beautiful Princess and i appreciate everything you are doing within mine and Allan's life.
(((hugz)))

At the moment Allan and i are looking at getting married in October next year!!

We Are Family

It was almost 3 years ago that i decided to live for Christ, to change my life around and follow the plan the Lord has for me.
That involved big changes to life style and a willing attitude to change.

A year ago i wrote a poem about my husband in the post FUTURE.
I was open for change and ready to be prepared for my husband.
I am very happy to share with you that on saturday the 19th August 2006, God revealed to me who my future husband would be.
Not only did he reveal to me but confirmed it within the spirit of my best friend.

After praying last night God told I was to tell Allan sooner, rather than later.
I clearly felt that it had to be in the next 2 days.
This made me really nervous as I didn't know how I was going to approach this.
How to reveal to a person how I felt about them and what God had said.
But I knew it was something I had to do.
God made it clear that because I had told Allan a while ago that we were only to be friends, that Allan would not approach me as he respected me to much.
Once again God spoke to a friend of mine and revealed that I had to tell Allan today, to set his mind at ease.

After my nerves had calmed down i rang Allan and told him of the revelation God had placed on my heart.
He has had revelation from God that i would be his future wife!
As of this afternoon we are offically courting....

I am so happy.
I know that this time i have fallen in love with the right man, i have fallen in love with the man God has for me.
This is a feeling of love that i have never felt before for another male, a reserved love in my heart for my future husband..

With the newness of this love comes many new emotions, excitement, happiness and apprehension.

I never knew this would happen so fast, but i am happy.
I am excited about little things such as holding hands and conversations.
Thank you to God who has brought us together.
I knew it would happen in Gods Timing...

It's so exciting to think it in my turn now...

Transformed

Over the last 12 months i have felt myself be transformed.
Transformed from a girl who was scared to discover who she was, a girl with inner wounds & scars constantly challenging herself to fit in with the others.
To a beautiful young lady, embracing womanhood, parenthood, my relationship with God and all of the challenges that life brings..

I have always had an issue with saying "No" especially when it came to males.
Since living for Chrsit i have only been confronted by the issue of men wanting more than what i can give them twice. The first time was about 9 months ago, a male kissed me and i felt to weak to say no, so i let it happen. Things went to far, and i personally lost and suffered alot because of it - others were hurt.

Yes i was attracted to the body of the male i mention above, he wasn't unpleasent to the eye.
Now when i see him, i only see a confused young man.
I only ever thought this man was physically attractive and never did i think anything would happen - nor did i prepare myself.

I was living for Jesus Christ, but i am a sinner.
I never realised at the time, but i had a desire that hadn't been fulfilled.
That desire could only ever be filled with the love of Jesus Christ.

That day was a real wake up call to me, i spend many of days in tears literally.
I can't begin to descibe the unworthiness i felt as i presented myself to God and recieved prayer.
Once again i was "white as snow", my sin wiped clean.
But just because my sin was wiped clean, it hasn't given me amnesia as to what happened - it was a life changing moment.

It was only last week i was faced with a similar situation.
Lami and i took the kids into the city to meet a friend of mine, i had been talking to my friend for 5 months online and we agreed to meet at Word bookshop.
I was very cautious with the way i presented myself, as he was a male and i didn't want to give the wrong impression.

We shopped, had lunch and shopped.
Before leaving me at Toys R us he asked permission to give me a hug goodbye, permission was granted. I gave him the half Christian hug, but as he moved away he went to kiss me.
I quickly placed my hand on his chest making space between us and said No, he apologised and i felt respected.

I never stopped and hesitated about saying no, because i knew for that kiss to take place would be wrong. I might add my friend isn't sleezy guy and he is nigerian.
This experience has left me happy, i feel like finally i have been able to stand up for what is right, and what i felt in my heart. God has transformed me and revealed many things to me over the last 12 months.

I never thought i would be faced with the situation of a young man wanting to further a relationship so soon, and being faced with the situation has only made me press into God even harder. I am glad i was respected, it makes me respect him as a friend also. I have made it clear that God will reveal who my future husband is, and when he does that i will embrace it- but only when God does. Until then it is praying and waiting.

Birthday

In 3 weeks i turn 21 years old.

When i spoke to mum today she was upset.
She said the nursing home thinks Dad probably won't be coming home for my birthday.
Because his sugar levels are still really high etc..

*cries*

I understand that it for his own good if he needs to be there.
And i really do want the best for him but it hurts so bad.
My 16th birthday my dad wasn't able to celebrate with me due to sickness and circunstances.
My 18th birthday i was young happy and celebrated with some friends.
But for my 21st i was looking forward to celebrating with Dad there. It meant alot.

Prayer is powerful and in 2 days i have had 2 prayers answered.
Praise God.
I am just praying now Dad improves enough to come home..

Failsafe

Today i started my little man on the failsafe diet.
I really knew nothing about this diet and still am just starting to learn.
I brought a folder yesterday to keep all the information in.. HAHA

It is hard work, and i do appreciate the work of Lami- who does the shopping.
But i hope this is what works for Lachlan.
His behaviour has reached a point where something had to be done.
Hopefully it is the food he was eating causing his behaviour, because then it can change..

It's been hard for me and everyone i live with.
Lachlan's behaviour at times has had the ability to drive you up the wall.
In a way i feel sorry for the little guy, if it is the food that has been the cause he has been in so much trouble at times...

I'll let ya'll know if his behaviour improves :-)

No More ABC

Not many of you know but i have withdrawn Lachlan from his Childcare.
I was unhappy with the way he was being looked after.
When i went to pick him up from childcare he was sitting at the fence crying, he was sitting alone and no one approached him to see what was wrong. I could see both the carer's clearly. One was sitting on a log and the other was holding a settled baby. It broke my heart to see my child crying and being neglected.

I removed my son from care straight away, but he still was traumatised.
It took alot for me to get the courage to trust people with my son, and that trust has been squashed. I will only leave my son with people i know and trust now.

Last week at church he refused to go into the childrens program. He held onto the door and cried. Then i left him and Lami could hear him crying in church so she went and checked and then i went back. He wouldn't let either of us leave, and cried just about the whole time we were at church...

I pray that soon the trauma he has experienced is healed and his heart restored.

Moments

In our lives there is a time when we look and question ourselves.
We question ourselves on our body image, our clothes, our finances and many other things.
I confess i do all of the above things at times.

I have looked in the mirror and seen a image caused by my distorted mind at that time.
I have cried at times i have felt sad because i thought i never looked pretty enough.
I have gotten upset because i never had the clothes i wanted, or never had money to buy them.
I spent alot of my life doing these things, worrying about stupid pathetic things.

On the way home today, i walked with the sun beaming off my skin.
The warmth embraced me and i smiled freely with happiness.
For a moment in my life i let go and just enjoyed what i had.
Life felt perfect for that time i let go.
I was pushing my very own son, who was being good at the time.
I was wearing nice clothes and never felt self concious.
I felt beautiful, and as i took a deep breathe i breathed in the love of God.

God had been waiting for me to step into him.
Waiting to embrace his daughter..

I found some notes i will share with you.
(to each person these notes may mean something different, open your heart and let the holy spirit guide you to what they mean for you)

1. Choose to be a leader.
2. Choose to be a buider.
3. Choose to restore.
4. Choose to do what is right.
5. Choose those who influence you.
6. Choose to seek God.
7. Choose to be inspired.

Lord,
I have made mistakes, i have been unchrist like in area's of my life. I pray i will become more Christ like and Christ focused and not self centered.
Amen

~Feeling~

I am feeling darkness around me
There's a sadness in my heart,
My eyes sting from kepping tears in
Consealing them behing a mask.

The walls are closing in
I am finding it harder to breathe,
I try to work through my mess-
The best way is on my knees.

I keep reaching for God
Everytime i feel lost,
Trying to stretch forward
Fighting the force that's keeping me back.

Revelation

I actually enjoyed the church service very much today.
The worship was good and the preaching was good too...
I actually had a personal revelation that came with Pastor Paul preaching.

There were two things involved in my revelations today, they were parenting and death.
A baby was dedicated in the church today, and the passage read was Proverbs 22:6
Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
This was a word given to me not long after i had Lachlan, by a friend of mine. I had forgotten about it until today. God revealed to my heart habits that need working on in my life, because the habits we have in our lives can be passed to our children. Also the qualities i want my son to see in his Mum. So, yes i do need work. I don't expect to be perfect but it would be nice to act on these revelations.

The other thing Pastor Paul spoke about today that really hit home was forgiveness and judgement. Now i will confess. I have been scared of death as far back as i remember, and even since i was a christian that fear remained. Topped with more fear about being Judged by God. They way i seen it was i was going to be infront of all of these people, being judged for all the wrong things i have previously done and will do in the future (we all sin).

All this time i have worried myself about this, why was i not thinking about the fact i am forgiven? I am saved! My debt was paid with the blood of Jesus Christ. His death wasn't for nothing, it was so I could have life. When i get to Heaven i have no reason to be scared.

I feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders, because i realise the things i was worried about are things i have been forgiven for. Things i have truely repented for. When i get to Heaven i am not going to be punished and other things... I am living for Christ, I made a choice. He died for me, now i chose to live for Him!

Be You

"Be who you really are. Because If you are always trying to be someone you aren't. You will lose the essence of who you really are"

I watched a movie tonight called Fat Albert. It was a good movie. This one quote got me thinking though. Thinking about me, you, people... everyone really...

I used to pretend i didn't care about what people thought, but on the inside it would still hurt. I used to wish i was more like the person they wanted me to be, so they'd be happy. It took many years before i even began excepting myself.

And i have realised, it had only just been in the last year or so i have truely embraced myself and who i am. No, i haven't finished but i am succeeding. I don't want to be someone i am not, i enjoy being Kelly. Finally i am beginning to see Kelly with a life, with happiness, with self respect and with love!

To ya'll out there who are still struggling. Remember that God created you for a reason. There is a purpose for YOU and He does not make mistakes. Embrace who he has made you to be.. God loves you!

Why

We rode into town the other day
Just me and my daddy
He said I'd finally reached the age
And I could rideNext to him on a horse
That of course was not quite as wide


We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man
That my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes


So I said daddy why are they screaming
Why are the faces of some of them beaming
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe
I bet that crown hurts him more than it shows
Daddy please can't you do something
He looks as if though he's gonna cry
You said he was stronger than all of those guys
Daddy please tell me why
Why does everyone want him to die


Later that day the sky grew cloudy
And daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy
Lord was he right
But I could not keep from wondering
If there was something he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out
I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross

And it said father why are they screaming
Why are the faces of some of them beaming
Why are they casting their lives for my own
This crown of thorns he hurts me more than it shows
Father please
Can't you do something
I know that you must hear my cry
I thought I could handle a cross of this size
Father remind me why
Why does everyone want me to die
When will I understand why


My precious son
I hear them screaming
I watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe you in robes of my own
Jesus this hurts me much more than you know
But this dark hour I must do nothing
For I've heard you unbearable cries
The power in your blood destroys all of the lies
Soon you'll see past their unmerciful eyes
Look there below
See the child
Trembling by her fathers side
Now I can tell you why
She is why you must die

Nichole Nordeman

Hold Me Daddy

Song By- Craig Perkins

Hold me daddy

Hold me so tight

I need to be wrapped in

your presence tonight

Your arms are my shelter

love my refuge

Daddy hold me so tight

Hold me so tight

Daddy hold me

Just hold me

so tight

Hold us daddy

Hold us so tight

Need to be wrapped in

Your presence tonight

Your arms are our shelter

and your love our refuge

Daddy hold us so tight

(where it hurts)

Hold us so tight

Daddy hold us

Just hold us

so tight

Hold us daddy

Just hold us,

so tight.

My Testimony

I never grew up in a religious home; we never went to church. The only time I would see the inside of a church was for events such as christenings or the funerals in our family, deaths were very frequent.

As a child my mom was constantly having mental breakdowns. Dad was the main parent in my life as Mom was in and out of hospital all the time. Dad worked 5 days a week and in that time us children were passed between his friends (the people he worked with and their wives), when he was home he took very good care of us.

I grew up in an abusive environment. My mom often lost control when hitting us, what began with a spanking ended with a beating. When my Dad had seen that she had hurt us, he hit Mom. It wasn’t unusual to see knives, glasses etc thrown at my Dad when they had their verbal arguments (which was nearly everyday). I suffered many years of physical, verbal, mental and sexual abuse.

I was 10-17 when my uncle was sexually abusing me; once again I prayed that God would help me, and in the end cursed God for the situation I was in. I hated myself for what was happening and would spend hours in the shower scrubbing to try and feel clean. Many of times I refused and the punishment was cruel, I was beaten and at times had a hot rod inserted into me until I obliged.

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield."- Psalm 33:20

At 14 I started experimenting with girls and by the age of 18 I had been in 4 serious bisexual relationships. Rhia was killed in a double murder, Raquel died in a car accident, and I ended my relationship with the other two girls. It was God who worked in my heart when I ended my relationship with Ursula; I was no longer attracted to females.

When I began seeing Rhia I went to a number of sex sheds where she worked; there were children 8-18 selling their body for money. I seen a lot of girls held down and given abortions with coat hangers, because they weren’t allowed to go to a clinic incase they never came back.

Dear friend, if bad companions tempt you, don't go along with them – Proverbs 1:10

I fell pregnant at 15 as a result of my uncle raping me; it was one of the hardest things to go through. I was 15 I couldn’t imagine myself looking after a baby, I couldn’t financially support the baby I was carrying and I knew I would be questioned on who the father was. I had mixed emotions when I found out I was pregnant, ranging from excitement to fear and everything in between. Once my uncle found out I was pregnant I avoided leaving the house out of fear I’d see him.

My close friends knew I was pregnant, but I tried to stay away from school as much as possible, incase I ran into him on the way to or from the bus stop. I was walking to the doctor surgery one afternoon when I ran into my uncle, I was dragged into the near by ally way, I fought for a while but couldn’t get away. I was beaten pretty bad and ended up losing the baby, I was 8-10 weeks pregnant.

I began a downward spiral of depression; I was drinking heavily and staying out all night. It was then my sexual promiscuity started; I was known at school within my group to never be without a boyfriend, most of them much older.

As a child I knew I was different from the others. There was something about how my body felt and what it would do that never happened to those around me. After a few years my mom noticed and took me to a neurologist and I was diagnosed with a number of forms of epilepsy. I never handled the news well, and began have numerous seizures. The epilepsy got worse and I was diagnosed with Grand Mal epilepsy.

My depression intensified and I begun to self harm. Everything from scratching, cutting, burning etc. I was at school when I sat down and cut a cross out my arm, the cuts were about 50mm deep and 3mm thick. I went over it with a hot iron; it never really hurt to be honest. No physical pain hurt, not compared to the emotional pain. I had really stopped caring. That brought many trips to the school counselor’s office!

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. – Matthew 11:28 However a Christian teacher at school had made an impression on me. She was interested in what was going on in my life, what was so bad to make me act the way I was. I ended up confiding in her about the sexual abuse; of course she was mandated to report it. We went through the whole police and FAYS interviews together, and she was always there for me to talk to. She sat down with me and enthusiastically answered my questions about God. She didn’t preach at me or try to scare me with hellfire, but explained things in a clear manner via the scriptures that she so passionately believed and the experiences of her own life.

I dropped everything with the police when a member of my family said that if I went any further I would never see them or their child again. I dropped everything at the time because the child involved was one of the only things that kept me alive. It is amazing the difference a child can have on your life.

When I was with this teacher I always had the ‘I want what you got’ feeling. She invited me to attend a youth group at lunchtime and I attended, I meet new friends and began to attend both the prayer meetings and youth group regularly. I slowly became interested in God and the plan he had for my life.

It was then things at home got bad again. On the 1st June 2000 my Dad began acting really unusual in a scary way, trying to pull the power lines out of the house etc. We drove to the near by hospital and my Dad was put straight in a room. I remember Dad holding my hand and saying "Kelly it’s been really nice knowing you, but after tonight you’ll never see me again. They’re going to take me away and chop me up. Remember I’ll always love you".

I have always been a Daddy’s girl, I was 15 when my Dad spoke those words to me and I walked out the door and slid down the wall outside Dad’s room bawling my eyes out. The doctor walked passed and asked if was ok, at the time I felt like glaring at him but instead I looked up with hopeful eyes and watched him disappear through the doorway. Hours passed and Mom came out and said Dad had to stay there for a while. The next day he had police escort to Glenside (a mental institution type place). That was when I was told dad had dementia as a result of numerous strokes. Dad never came home to live again, he went into a nursing home in a near by town.

Once again my depression got worse, I felt a deep sense of hopelessness within me. If life held any meaning for me, I wasn’t sure what it was. I didn’t want to die and I didn’t want to live. I was put in hospital on suicide watch several times. I attempted suicide a number of times; In December 2000 I overdosed and died 3 times. This was a major turning point of my life, I felt so close to God during the time I was unconscious, I felt God’s presence, seen God and had an awesome conversation with Him.

In July 2001 I attended a Christian youth camp "July camp" with Pastor Sonny as the guest speaker. I finally felt some fulfillment in my life. July camp helped my walk with God dramatically; I meet amazing people and got a lot of the week. Adventually I stopped going to youth group, prayer meetings and other Christian events. I drifted further and further away from God.

In 2002 I got engaged at the age of 17, I was willing to spend the rest of my life with Russell. He had been in jail for a number of reasons. He moved in with me on Valentines Day 2003, and I broke up with him in January 2004.

In 2003 I successfully completed year 12, and I have no idea how considering the pressure with the relationship. I always wanted to be a counselor so began a counseling course; ended up pulling out of the course in February because I came down chronically sick! It was then I found out the cold I couldn’t shake was pregnancy. I handled that really well, even though I was single, I was excited.

In 2003 my friend wrote from Germany, the letter said something along the lines of ‘I have a friend that I think you’ll get along really well with, she has been through similar stuff to you, oh yeah her name is Lami and here is her email and phone number. Get in touch’. It took me around 6 months to work up the courage to send an email, and right from the start I told her everything, partly hoping she’d run a mile. Instead I got when I opened my inbox the next day there was a reply. I was angry, delusional, promiscuous, I had my doubts about God again. Over just 6 months of talking we developed a great friendship, together we worked through many of my issues and I came closer to God. I gave my heart to the Lord again and began living a fulfilled life. Lami and I are now best friends and closer than sisters :o)

In September 2004, at 19 years old I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Lachlan in September 2004. I’m a single mom, and my son has no contact with his father. I have faith that God has a daddy waiting for my son, he just isn’t ready yet. I feel the preperations God is doing in my life and continue waiting for my future husband.

When I was pregnant God worked on my heart, The weight of depression slowly lifted as I began seeing life differently. I made a choice the day I found out I was pregnant to change my life. I stopped drinking alcohol, stayed away from my friends who used drugs, I refused to submit to the desire to self-harm and feeling suicidal. The day I made the choice to change was awesome; my decision was based only on love, the love I had for my unborn son. With strength from Jesus.

I finally got up the courage to take a stand and rebuke Satan, take the power back. I no longer had sexual attractions to females and ended my relationship with the chick I was with. I even decided to give the no sex thing a go and actually began to be responsible.

Today I have a new view on life. I am a Princess of the God almighty, the mother of the most gorgeous little boy, the daughter of two great parents, the sister of two tremendous siblings, the best friend of a very beautiful woman and I am Kelly.

My life took on purpose and depth as I experienced the Savior through faith. Now I am trying to be more like Jesus, loving and forgiving.

"Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who persecute you." – Matthew 5:44

I know that it’s not God that ever turns away from me, but I chose the wrong path and drifted from him. Each day I try harder to make Jesus the lover of my soul. I try to communicate with him whenever I can, when I walk, do the dishes, washing or even in the shower. I never seen through my life that God was always there; He was holding me, I know this because alone I would never of survived. There is no way I could have walked through what I have in life and still be here without God; I have been so blessed in my life.

I remain convinced that Jesus Christ was raised from the dead and is still alive today.
"I am The Way, The Truth and The Life, no one comes to the Father except through Me." – John 14:6

Give Them All

Bob Benson and Phil Johnson

Are you tired of chasing pretty rainbow?
Are tired of spinning round and round?
Wrap up all the shattered dreams of your life and at the feet of Jesus lay them down.

Give the all, give them all, give them all to Jesus
Shattered dreams and wounded hearts and broken toys.
Give them all, give them all, give them all to Jesus and he will turn your sorrow into joy.
He never said you'd only see sunshine.
He never said there'd be no rain.
He only promised a heart full of singing about the very things that once brought pain.

Give the all, give them all, give them all to Jesus
Shattered dreams and wounded hearts and broken toys.
Give them all, give them all, give them all to Jesus and he will turn your sorrow into joy..

Struggles

Sometimes it is necessary to go through hard times.

Just as a butterfly has a hard time breaking out of the cocoon.

It it weren't for that struggle the wings wouldn't form properly and the butterfly would surely die.

Sometimes we look at struggles with the attitude i don't want to be here, why me and so forth. I know myself that i have said it many of times.

But i want to try and change that, the fact is i can look at the situation and complain. Or i can look at it and say Lord, have your way with me. Use me in this situation.

I pray that the next time you are in a rough patch, you remember this and the peace of God falls upon you.

Bless ya'll

Moving Forward

Today i went to church, worship was good.

But, you know how sometimes there is one person puts you off?

Well, we were sitting infront of that woman this morning.

This woman was singing the song and adding extra words, talking in tongues loudly, randomly calling out "whoohoooo" and other things. I was very distracted and found it hard to get into worship. I wasn't the only member of the church disturbed. Then when our Pastor was praying she was rude enough to be talking and saying she had to go home and put lunch on etc..

I don't have a problem with people talking in tongues, and hey i don't even care if they sing out of tune. If they are trying, worshipping and are happy then good on them. Really. It was just this one woman. Blah!

In my life i have felt God showing me that i am moving forward. None of the things i have done are really big. But they are deliberate choices to make changes in my life. Joining craft, talking to other parents at the school, giving someone my number if they need help, lettign someone know i will help if i can. Yes, little thing are important.

Little things are footprints in my life, footprints of me moving forward. No i'm not good at running forward and i'm not good at leaping forward. But i'm proud of myself for taking steps.

I can see my life growing, God is giving me dreams and i can feel his arms around me.

Friends, i am not perfect. I won't be on this earth. But i can keep trying my best while i'm on earth. Today i prayed to God that he would re-birth thirst for The word of God, and re-birth hunger for God. I have 2 goals i would like to set. I will share them with you.

1. I have been slack on my praying. I would like to pray for 30 minutes (at least) a day. Time to talk with God. (this is apart from the night time prayers).

2. I want to read the bible 3 times a week (at least).

You may say 30 minutes and 3 times a week. Thats not much. And to be honest with you no it isn't alot. But it is better than what i have been doing. God knows my heart and he knows this is an effort. I will build on to it more.

My Pastor said something that stayed with me today. "You will enter how you left". He went on to explain that God had spoken to him. The message was the way we leave a situation is the way we will enter the other.

So i have made a choice to set these goals. I will make a choice to do them. Each time i pray to God i will pray with the heart of a child, a child talking with her Father. I encourage you to do the same.

Your Best

There have been so many times when i have almost broken down in tears and wondered where it is i am going so wrong in parenting. WHy is it my child that seems to have more issues than others, and he has a better life than so many kids.

Today i couldn't contain the tears anymore and i went to the room crying, i felt like my heart was breaking. I have tried everything from telling off, yelling, smacking, praying, talking, corner etc... and not one of them things has proven a break through.

People say it will get better, but all i can see is how. I've tried everything. I feel like screaming don't you see i am doing my best now and it's not working. When you are the person in the situation it is very hard to see the future clearly through the fog.

Today on the bed crying i wrote this:

Why do i fight to hold on, instead of letting go?
What am i gripping onto when i feel like i am falling?
I am losing grip and this strong wall is crumbling!
I can't hold back the tears no more.
I can't keep pretending that i am strong.
Especially when it feels like everything i do is wrong!

Today i reached a point where i said to God i dreamed of being a mum, i had hopes and plans. My dream come true, i do the best job i can do but still it's not enough. I just felt the love of God wash over me. Then i realised to do your best is to never stop trying..

Sometimes i feel like a failure.
sometimes i can't see the light through the storm.
But i know that God is there.
He knows my future.
He has a plan and he knows how things will work out!!

Keep praying for us

Lami

Lami went in for surgery Thursday morning.
Leaving home was so hard, Daniel and Naomi were both crying and so was Lami.
I was trying so hard to fight it, never worked to well though!

I had to walk away from the house knowing that when we left Lami would be crying, and that i wouldn't see her again before the operation. It hurt very much.. As we walked to school i seen Daniel trying to hold himself together and Naomi just let it all out. She cried all the way to school, calling out for her Mama. My heart broke again.

I collected myself on the way to school and when i came home i checked Justsmile i seen a post from Lami:

Today I am having my surgery. I have to leave home in 30mins. This morning has been heart breaking. Naomi was crying in hysterics, Daniel was crying, I cried and so did Kelly. In the end I had to tell Kelly to just leave with the kids to school, it was to hard on all of us to prolonge it. Please pray that surgery and recovery will go smoothly. Pray for Kelly as she watches my kiddes and looks after the house. And for the peace of God to be upon my babies and Kelly. She has remained strong for me but I know she is worried and wants to cry. She needs to cry. Look after her ya'll

Well that just made me burst into tears. I knew i had held it all together for Lami, I done my best to remain strong. I didn't want her to see me worried, because then she'd see reason to be worried. I did go to bed some nights and cry though...

I rang up at 12pm to see if she was okay. and they said she had not long been out of surgery and was in recovery doing fine. Tears streamed down my face. But the real relief was seeing her in person yesterday.

A few times though i almost cried when i seen her move and she was in pain. I don't like seeing her in pain..

Words Can Wound

I have often advoided doing things because i am a shy person.
I get to scared of rejection and what wiil think of me, so i simply don't do anything.
Last week i went to a meeting for the leaders of our church craft group, and i have decided to put my name down in the creche area to help out.

I also went to the actual craft today. There were many things people could chose to do.
Lami choose painting, and even though the scared part of me wanted to follow her for security - I never. I felt God guiding me toward the beading, so i joined that group.

I made 2 pretty bracelets during the session.
I also got to talk to some great ladies, who were all nice!
So i managed to get away from my security and venture out on my own.

During the tea break i had a biscuit.
At that point a dark skinned lady approached me and began talking to me.
At first i thought she was nice and we were having a good conversation, that was until she proceeded to insult me. She told me that i have a demon in me causing my epilepsy and a demon causing my obesity. She also told me i should stand infront of the mirror every morning saying God never designed me this way, and i should be a size 12.

I was so shocked and offended by this point and felt like bursting into tears.
Because i was in an atmosphere with people i didn't know that well i must of put on a mask.
Because on the inside i was screaming help, but Lami said when Anne and her were looking at me i looked fine. They were even talking about how well me and this lady were getting along.

I believe that this woman was there as an attack from the enemy, because he is the only one to benefit from me not going back to this group. I am amazed i acted in such a way, and never slapped her - because she deserved one.

As Christians we need to set an example to others, that is with the way we act and speak. This lady was in no way an example of the love of Christ, and if i wasn't a Christian i wouldn't ever want to go back to that group. What she said really hurt me as a Christian, so the damage it could do to a non Christian is enormous.

I am okay now, but it took a little while.
I know she is wrong and the way she spoke was wrong.
I do however hope i never talk to her again and pray for others who do.

Words have power. The way we speak has power. Our attitude has power.
We can help lead people to Christ with words and we also can scar people with our words.
Make sure you are the example Christ wants you to be, and be careful with words.
They have the potiential to break hearts.

Spiritual Maturity

This Poem was NOT written by me. But i feel God pressing me to share it with you all.

Spiritual Maturity

First we are like babes suckling from our mother,s breast,
Then we read scripture, then follow under our Lord’s crest.
We are stubborn, and there are many things we do not do,
even after we have study hard, to learn what is true.

When a Spiritual person, lovingly provide us with a reproof,
the wise ones asks for chapter and verse, show me the proof.
Then we must humble ourselves, and learn to repent,
For these are God’s words, the message is heaven sent.

Once adult, spiritual maturity, is not the matter of age,
The slaves to sin, of all ages, skulks in their cage.
Follow our Lord’s commandments, and learn his way.
Spiritual Maturity will grow slowly, from day to day.

We sometimes take two steps forward, and one step back,
in these times, examine your heart, to see what it lacks.
During difficult times, and when there is nothing you can do,
humble yourselves, and allow the good Lord to carry you.

With our journey seemingly ending, our hearts become haughty,
We are sure we will never sin, or ever be caught being naughty.
Our vanity, and pride knocks us off our high pedestal,
to our proper position, where all the other sinners dwell.

In spiritual maturity you have now only reached a plateau,
Now you realize that we are all sinners, and it is time to grow.
Our sins are now are a lie, a selfish act, a harsh word in passion;
the breaking of mans and love's law, and the lack of compassion.

To think oneself perfect, is one of your hearts deepest deceptions,
Only Jesus our King has ever maintained perfection.

Author: QuietOne77

Child Care

Most of you know i have been trying to get Lachlan into child care for sometime, but waiting list were long and chances weren't looking good. Finally this week i got a call from the Child care centre saying that there was a position for Lachlan if i wanted to take it. I accepted, so Lachlan now has childcare one day a week. To start with i am only having him on half days, so both Lachlan and i can adjust to it.


Lachlan normally hates holding hands, but this morning as we walked to child care for orientation he put his hand out for me to hold. He must of known that Mama needed him. We finally got to child care and i signed him in, then having to do the hardest thing and leave. I said bye and he blew me kisses and played with his toy.

Leaving i felt a little sad, but at the same time happy that Lachlan was okay. If he made a scene about me leaving and cried, i would of found it so much harder- I would of cried. But he blew me kisses, and for me that was an "I'm okay mum". I left feeling proud of the way my little boy had acted on his big day.

His visit went fantastic. They said he was good right up until a few minutes before i arrived he got a little teary eyed. I could tell it was because he was tired, he was up about 45 minutes earlier than he normally does. He done very well for his visit.

I know this is the best place for him, it will be good to see him develop more skills, learn more words and make some little friends.

Crazy

My Template for this blog is CRAZY..
I have no idea what is going on with it..

HELP

Lioness With Her Cub

Paul has been sending text messages once again today.
He likes to try and make me feel intimidated and tries his best to scare me.
By now he should know his threats to harm me do not bother me.
I think he is a weakling and that his mouth talks more verbal diorreah than anyone i have ever meet.

As a mother i will do what it takes to protect my son from harm.
Whether the harm be physical or emotional.
I have been the one who nurtured Lachlan from birth.
I have been the provider, the one that has feed, clothed, nurtured, cleaned, loved and proted him. I am the one that wipes his nose, i am the one who looks after him when he is sick and i am the one who brushes him down if he falls over.

Paul never cared about anyone other than Paul.
Certainly never cared about Lachlan!
Legally i don't think i can stop Paul from seeing Lachlan.
But i will fight my hardest to stop him seeing him.

Please keep praying for us and the situation.
I just wish Paul would go away.
It really is in the best interest of Lachlan right now not to have him in his life.

Happy Anniversery

Mum and Dad celebrated their 27th wedding anniversery on the 28th April this year.
It is cute to see them together.
I think they are more in love now than they were all those years ago.
This picture was taken when Mum, Dad, Terry &Lachlan and I went for a Barbeque in the park.
Mum and dad even walked across the park hand in hand..
Do they get more romantic as they get older... scary! Lol..

Little Boy

I guess since i have had Lachlan i've always looked at him as my baby, and he always will be. But now that he is getting older he is also my little boy. Last night i couldn't help but hold the tears back as i thought about Lachlan.

I have wanted to be a mum all my life, i used to pray all the time that i would fall pregnant and when i did it was a miracle. I was so happy. My dreams of being a mum escalated to a new level. I never thought i would be easy and never thought it would be a ride in the park, but i thought it would be easier than this.

My son has real issues and he is only 19 months old. He bangs his head on things, hit's himself, pokes at his eyes. He barely talks and because he isn't talking he gets even more fustrated. It's not because he is stupid though, he knows words but doesn't use them anymore. And it looks like he is chosing not to learn anymore words aswell!!

It is breaking my heart because i don't know what else to do for him, i don't know how to help him any more. So much of me feels like i have failed him, even though i know it's not true. But you know how it just feels that way sometimes?

I love Lachlan with everything inside of me and so much more, but i don't understand what i am doing so wrong.

What gets me even more is that a drug addict can have a child and that child will grow up reasonably fine. Not all but some do. I love nuture, encourage, play and everything but still there is something stopping my son from being who he is meant to be. He just seems so angry and fustrated.

I admit he has happy moments too but i want more. I need more. I don't want my son to grow up as a sad or angry child. Yesterday in church i stopped him going to people's seat and stealing their notices and he was sitting on my lap having a tanty. and he actually smacked my face (very stupid move mind you). He was so lucky we were in church or he would of been in bed with a sore butt!! That alone hurt so much though.


I must admit he is a beautiful boy physically and mentally. but he has some issues that i don't know how to help him... any idea's folks?

I rang up the ABC Childcare centre here today and booked him into the new one that is being built around the corner. They are sending me out enrolment information and said i should expect a call at the end of may because that is when they are expected to open.

I am scared. I have never had Lachlan in child care and if i had a choice i would have him with me because i love him so much and don't want to let him go. However i know that childcare is what is best for Lachlan. It will give him a chance to interact with other children and hopefully he learns somethings there.

I don't know how i am gonna let him go on the day he has to go to childcare though because the thought brings tears to my eyes already!!

Thanks for those of you who made it this far through my rant.
I love ya'll!!

Pictures

This is a picture of me and my 9 month old niece Charlotte. She is so beautiful, and yet another baby with a temper too :-/

If ya wondering what is up with my face i was sick last week so my eyes look puffy...

It was good to be home and spend some time with my family. I was so excited when i got to see my nieces, i have waited a long time...

When the car pulled up i had tears in my eyes as i seen emi looking out the window, then a smile spread across her face.... This is a photo of little Miss Emily. I adore her also.. She has freckles on her nose now and they are just soo cute!!! seriously!!

Tagged

I got tagged by Megan, so I had to put in my 5th sentence from my 28th blog... Here it is..
(I remember doing this a while ago and now here in public i have to put the same sentence down that looks really bad for me) LOL!!

No i'm not obsessed about sex, a relationship, naked men or anything like that.


~Wanna play?~
(Be warned first)

1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five people to do the same.

and now I have to tag 5 people....

1. Misti
2. Vianey
3. You
4. Yourself
5. Your imaginary friend

Over The Years

Over the years I have been through the best and the worst of times.
But only in the last 2 years masks have fallen away from my face.
I've seen the mask from others fall away, and sometimes the skeletons, hidden behind.
Friendships have been charred due to my change of life and circumstances, and amid the ashes, I've found pearls...

I've learnt:

- Recognising that your a Princess of The King is the most amazing thing.
- True friends exist.
- True love does exist.
- We all need to look in God's mirror sometimes.
- We cannot make it through life on our own strength (but with Christ).
- Bad things happen but we can make it through.
- We should always be conforming to be more Christ like.
- Prayer is required to have a relationship with Christ.
- We must forgive ourselves before we allow ourselves to recieve forgiveness from Christ.
- Parenting is the toughest job in life, but the most rewarding

and many more...


Share some of the things you have learnt...

Update

Hello Gumnuts!!

How are you all??

I'm just dropping in quickly to give you that update i was talking about.
I went to see the lawyer and it was pretty ordinary i guess... even though i don't see lawyer very often (this was like a first). Just signed court papers and talked about some things.. she is really nice! Now i have to wait for her to get a court date (which i don't gotta attend, OH YEAH).

My dad had his assessment on friday also. They never really said much which had me somewhat confused :-S which isn't hard to do at the best of times (hey who wrote that???)
They changed some of his medications and took him off some anti psycothics. I was confused about that to seems he was getting more aggressive and stuff.

Hi

Hi everyone.

How are you all? It's so glad to back in communication with my friends. I have missed you all. You have all been in my thought, prayers, and discussions with myself at some point.. except of course if you are just a random someone reading my blog.. but i can pray for you to if you like.

This is my little boy Lachlan. Now hasn't my son grown into a handsome looking young man? yeah you have to admit it.. Although he has this temper, i have no idea where he got that from.. but hopefully we manage to get that out of his real quick.

My Dad is getting re assesed on friday. He has frontal lobe dementia and has shown agressive and manic behaviour, which is a new symptom for my dad. They need to find out how far he has deteriorated since he was placed in the nursing home. Christmas eve Dad ran away from home i guess you would call it, to him he was going for a walk but he can't comphrehend why he isn't allowed to do that at 2 am. He was back home safe and well before we called the police, that was the first sign that Dad was getting worse.

On friday i see my lawyer about DNA testing for my son, his biological father has decided to take things the long and hard way and not co-operate. So now i have to take him to court to get them to order the test be done. I know that in the first place i shouldn't of lied, but i am now enduring the consequences of it. I just pray that it all finishes soon.

On tuesday i am taking Lami to lunch. Just Lami, Lachlan and myself because the other 2 children will be at school. It will give Lami and i some time to relax and enjoy a nice meal together that neither of us have to prepare =)

Congrats to Katie for getting into Mercy. Love ya honey. Do what ya need to do and remember do it for you.

I'll speak to you all soon

Loving you ALL

I have forgotten not one of you guys.
just because i am not here does not mean i am not thinking about you, praying for you and some of ya are lucky enough to talk to the famous me!!! HAHAHA.. POOR YOU..
Seriously i know i haven't been on much and alot of people would be wondering where i dissapeared to. To all of my blogger friends a big hug from me to you...
I will return and then comment on all of your blogs...
Vianey girl if you read this let me know!!!

Katie is coming to my house she is on here way.. for all of you who know Katie, be scared be very scared.... LOL.. Nah we love her!!! promise we will look after the Gumnut....

Zarna i never knew you joined Justsmile till today..

Deb i hope all is well with you. ((hug))

Everyone my time is about to run out... AHHHH
no i have to go (sobs)

loooooooooooooooooove you

Be Back Soon

I hope everyone has been missing me...
of course ya all have....like as if you couldn't..
yeah would you like a ticket i got plenty...

the story goes the computer died.
so we couldn't come on the net and still can't.
honestly going to the cafe is to hard sometimes with lachlan.

But hey i will be back soon and i will get right into blogging.
i got a few good ones up my sleeve...

Wait and see.....