Transformed

Over the last 12 months i have felt myself be transformed.
Transformed from a girl who was scared to discover who she was, a girl with inner wounds & scars constantly challenging herself to fit in with the others.
To a beautiful young lady, embracing womanhood, parenthood, my relationship with God and all of the challenges that life brings..

I have always had an issue with saying "No" especially when it came to males.
Since living for Chrsit i have only been confronted by the issue of men wanting more than what i can give them twice. The first time was about 9 months ago, a male kissed me and i felt to weak to say no, so i let it happen. Things went to far, and i personally lost and suffered alot because of it - others were hurt.

Yes i was attracted to the body of the male i mention above, he wasn't unpleasent to the eye.
Now when i see him, i only see a confused young man.
I only ever thought this man was physically attractive and never did i think anything would happen - nor did i prepare myself.

I was living for Jesus Christ, but i am a sinner.
I never realised at the time, but i had a desire that hadn't been fulfilled.
That desire could only ever be filled with the love of Jesus Christ.

That day was a real wake up call to me, i spend many of days in tears literally.
I can't begin to descibe the unworthiness i felt as i presented myself to God and recieved prayer.
Once again i was "white as snow", my sin wiped clean.
But just because my sin was wiped clean, it hasn't given me amnesia as to what happened - it was a life changing moment.

It was only last week i was faced with a similar situation.
Lami and i took the kids into the city to meet a friend of mine, i had been talking to my friend for 5 months online and we agreed to meet at Word bookshop.
I was very cautious with the way i presented myself, as he was a male and i didn't want to give the wrong impression.

We shopped, had lunch and shopped.
Before leaving me at Toys R us he asked permission to give me a hug goodbye, permission was granted. I gave him the half Christian hug, but as he moved away he went to kiss me.
I quickly placed my hand on his chest making space between us and said No, he apologised and i felt respected.

I never stopped and hesitated about saying no, because i knew for that kiss to take place would be wrong. I might add my friend isn't sleezy guy and he is nigerian.
This experience has left me happy, i feel like finally i have been able to stand up for what is right, and what i felt in my heart. God has transformed me and revealed many things to me over the last 12 months.

I never thought i would be faced with the situation of a young man wanting to further a relationship so soon, and being faced with the situation has only made me press into God even harder. I am glad i was respected, it makes me respect him as a friend also. I have made it clear that God will reveal who my future husband is, and when he does that i will embrace it- but only when God does. Until then it is praying and waiting.