I guess since i have had Lachlan i've always looked at him as my baby, and he always will be. But now that he is getting older he is also my little boy. Last night i couldn't help but hold the tears back as i thought about Lachlan.
I have wanted to be a mum all my life, i used to pray all the time that i would fall pregnant and when i did it was a miracle. I was so happy. My dreams of being a mum escalated to a new level. I never thought i would be easy and never thought it would be a ride in the park, but i thought it would be easier than this.
My son has real issues and he is only 19 months old. He bangs his head on things, hit's himself, pokes at his eyes. He barely talks and because he isn't talking he gets even more fustrated. It's not because he is stupid though, he knows words but doesn't use them anymore. And it looks like he is chosing not to learn anymore words aswell!!
It is breaking my heart because i don't know what else to do for him, i don't know how to help him any more. So much of me feels like i have failed him, even though i know it's not true. But you know how it just feels that way sometimes?
I love Lachlan with everything inside of me and so much more, but i don't understand what i am doing so wrong.
What gets me even more is that a drug addict can have a child and that child will grow up reasonably fine. Not all but some do. I love nuture, encourage, play and everything but still there is something stopping my son from being who he is meant to be. He just seems so angry and fustrated.
I admit he has happy moments too but i want more. I need more. I don't want my son to grow up as a sad or angry child. Yesterday in church i stopped him going to people's seat and stealing their notices and he was sitting on my lap having a tanty. and he actually smacked my face (very stupid move mind you). He was so lucky we were in church or he would of been in bed with a sore butt!! That alone hurt so much though.
I must admit he is a beautiful boy physically and mentally. but he has some issues that i don't know how to help him... any idea's folks?
I rang up the ABC Childcare centre here today and booked him into the new one that is being built around the corner. They are sending me out enrolment information and said i should expect a call at the end of may because that is when they are expected to open.
I am scared. I have never had Lachlan in child care and if i had a choice i would have him with me because i love him so much and don't want to let him go. However i know that childcare is what is best for Lachlan. It will give him a chance to interact with other children and hopefully he learns somethings there.
I don't know how i am gonna let him go on the day he has to go to childcare though because the thought brings tears to my eyes already!!
Thanks for those of you who made it this far through my rant.
I love ya'll!!
6 comments:
Not wanting to let go of Lachaln is a issue you need to deal with.
I am not saying this to be harsh but because I know how you feel.
It still tears me apart leaving naomi at school.
And that is because I let her be the joy, the love, the comfort in my life.
Where it was and only is Gods place.
We need to hand our choldren over to God and let Him be in control.
Afterall, they are only on loan to us from Him.
Childcare will help Lachlan soooooo much.
He will love it :)
Keep praying for him, as I will.
((((Hugz))))
I will continue praying for Lachlan.
And praying for understanding and ability to let go of the things that are not of God.
I know i have come a long way where Lachlan used to be my rock, and now he isn't so much. I know i need to depend on God more and i will.
I know the strength is there. As the preacher said sunday, we don't need to ask for strength thats already there.
The only way i am getting through the fact i will be having him in care is i know God is with Lachlan and i also know that Lachlan will grow through this experience.
I got to get used to the fact that he will be okay with out me.
I think it will be great for you and for him, it will give you a break and let him interact with other children.
Also if there is something that is causing him to bang his head they might be able to work it out.
Lachlan is a beautiful little boy though
yes it will provide me with a break. I guess i just think no one can look after him as good as me.. LOL..
It will give me some time to read more of the bible to and spend time with no interruptions with God
no one can look after him as good as his own mum, but other people can watch him to make sure he doesn't get hurt.
*hugs* Kelly, you are phenomenal to be doing your best at mothering, especially as a single parent.
Don't let yourself get too discouraged, parenting is a long-term thing, and sometimes it will take ages before you see the 'final' results. I was tough work for my parents to bring up preschool and primary age, but really easygoing later in life....keep on keeping on - and accept help from the childcare centre or whoever else will be good and loving to you and Lachlan as a gift from God - he knows what a major challenge it is to bring up kids, so he provides family and community to share the load!
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