My little man is growing so fast.
On Monday the 12th December 2005 he began walking.
He just got up and took off all on his own.
My heart rejoices to see his beautiful smile and happy squels as he succeeds at walking from one place to another.
I can't believe he is growing up so fast, right before my eyes.
It seems like yesterday he was my little new born son wrapped up in a blanket safely my arms.
Dependant on Mommy for everything, now i watch as he slowly forms his own personality and independance.
I love his gentle kisses.. his soft hugs.. and the way he loves me.
I love his soft gentle brown eyes and his dymples when he smiles.
I thank God for him, because he is nothing short of a miracle..
Today i am loving motherhood.
Slowly i feel like i am rising above something.
It could just be a day but it's a start.
To all of you, remember to tell the ones you love what they mean to you. Because you never know when it will be their last.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
Parenting
Parenting would have to be the hardest yet most rewarding job i have ever had.
When i found out i was pregnant i knew i would be doing it alone, and i never once thought it would be easy. I didn't picture it an easy ride and i never pictured a baby that would do everything i wanted.
I know money wouldn't be something i could splash around, that didn't and still doesn't bother me. I knew that time wouldn't be something i would have alot of, and that doesn't really bother me. It has taken time to adjust though. I never expected Lachie to be a clean child, so the washing etc doesn't bother me.
I did however expect his behaviour to be better than it is. I never expected everthing to be perfect and for him to listen to everything i said. I expected him not to listen a little, i expected some cheekiness and naughtiness.
But what i have is complete defiancy, he barely listens to me. He has turned aggressive, if he doesn't get his own way he throws a temper tantrum and smacks people.
I never imagined that it could be so crushing. That the way your child acts could be like an elephant stamping in your heart. So much so that it squeezes all of the energy out of me. I don't understand why people who don't care about their kids can have kids that are good and crave attention and then my son who is surrounded with attention, people that love him, love and happiness isn't being good.
Yes i do have an ideal picture of what i would like my family to be like. But i also have a realistic one. There is something up with Lachlans behaviour, and i know in my heart my parenting isn't that bad. I know there are areas i can improve on and i am working on them slowly. until then how do i hold on...
I know i have to go to God more, give my thoughts and feelings to him. I have to leave this problem in his hands. I need to be praying more. Because it's all dragging me down and i need God to lift me up.
Lord,
lift me, fill me and heal me.
For inside i am broken.
My spirit fills squashed and i am thirsty for you.
I let go of everything i have done, and i run into your open arms.
I give my parenting to you Lord, i give my heart to you.
Let your will be done.
Grant me wisdom to do the things i need to do and let go of the things i cannot change.
Amen
When i found out i was pregnant i knew i would be doing it alone, and i never once thought it would be easy. I didn't picture it an easy ride and i never pictured a baby that would do everything i wanted.
I know money wouldn't be something i could splash around, that didn't and still doesn't bother me. I knew that time wouldn't be something i would have alot of, and that doesn't really bother me. It has taken time to adjust though. I never expected Lachie to be a clean child, so the washing etc doesn't bother me.
I did however expect his behaviour to be better than it is. I never expected everthing to be perfect and for him to listen to everything i said. I expected him not to listen a little, i expected some cheekiness and naughtiness.
But what i have is complete defiancy, he barely listens to me. He has turned aggressive, if he doesn't get his own way he throws a temper tantrum and smacks people.
I never imagined that it could be so crushing. That the way your child acts could be like an elephant stamping in your heart. So much so that it squeezes all of the energy out of me. I don't understand why people who don't care about their kids can have kids that are good and crave attention and then my son who is surrounded with attention, people that love him, love and happiness isn't being good.
Yes i do have an ideal picture of what i would like my family to be like. But i also have a realistic one. There is something up with Lachlans behaviour, and i know in my heart my parenting isn't that bad. I know there are areas i can improve on and i am working on them slowly. until then how do i hold on...
I know i have to go to God more, give my thoughts and feelings to him. I have to leave this problem in his hands. I need to be praying more. Because it's all dragging me down and i need God to lift me up.
Lord,
lift me, fill me and heal me.
For inside i am broken.
My spirit fills squashed and i am thirsty for you.
I let go of everything i have done, and i run into your open arms.
I give my parenting to you Lord, i give my heart to you.
Let your will be done.
Grant me wisdom to do the things i need to do and let go of the things i cannot change.
Amen
Friday, December 09, 2005
7 Things
Lami from Lami*By*Design tagged me-
Seven Things I want to do before I die
1. Get married
2. Have more kids
3. Become a Counsellor/social worker
4. Go to Africa
5. Sky Dive
6. Get my car License and a car
7. Own a home
Seven things I cannot do
1. Drive (legally)
2. Fly (i'm too scared)
3. Dive into water (nose don't agree with that)
4. Understand the Bible i have
5. Run a marathon
6. Complete a heart transplant
7. Kill an animal (unless it is in severe pain and no one else was there and then i would cry so very much).
Seven things that attract me to my best friend, Lami
1. Beautiful heart and soul
2. Open mindness and support
3. Personality
4. She's an awesome comforter and cuddler
5. Beautiful brown eyes
6. Awesome sense of humour
7. She like food!
Seven things I say most often
1. I love you
2. Ok
3. Lachlan
4. F%$k (Not a good one)
5. Hey
6. OUCH
7. Ma
Ten Movies I could watch over and over and over again
1. Crossroads
2. 50 first dates
3. Never been kissed
4. Suddenly 30
5. Save the last dance
6. 10 things I hate about you
7. Stepmom
8. My Best Friend's Wedding
9. The Wedding Singer
10. Shrek
Now i tag: YOU
Seven Things I want to do before I die
1. Get married
2. Have more kids
3. Become a Counsellor/social worker
4. Go to Africa
5. Sky Dive
6. Get my car License and a car
7. Own a home
Seven things I cannot do
1. Drive (legally)
2. Fly (i'm too scared)
3. Dive into water (nose don't agree with that)
4. Understand the Bible i have
5. Run a marathon
6. Complete a heart transplant
7. Kill an animal (unless it is in severe pain and no one else was there and then i would cry so very much).
Seven things that attract me to my best friend, Lami
1. Beautiful heart and soul
2. Open mindness and support
3. Personality
4. She's an awesome comforter and cuddler
5. Beautiful brown eyes
6. Awesome sense of humour
7. She like food!
Seven things I say most often
1. I love you
2. Ok
3. Lachlan
4. F%$k (Not a good one)
5. Hey
6. OUCH
7. Ma
Ten Movies I could watch over and over and over again
1. Crossroads
2. 50 first dates
3. Never been kissed
4. Suddenly 30
5. Save the last dance
6. 10 things I hate about you
7. Stepmom
8. My Best Friend's Wedding
9. The Wedding Singer
10. Shrek
Now i tag: YOU
Storm
Well i thought i should let you all know that i have an addition to my family.
Yesterday Lami and i were walking home from the street after being out all day, when we passed a house just up from ours, Lami asked if we could see their Kittens.
I fell in love with the black one and Lami loved the ginger tiger one. We decided to take them both =)
I have a little black kitten called Storm, and it has really dark greeny blue eyes. It is really cuddly but playful..
Lami got the ginger one. It looks like it has tiger stripes =~P
She named him Tiger. He is the leader, very playful and into mischief alot..
Like last night i feed them and soon as Tiger seen the food he splashed Storm with water .. soo rude.
I think each Kitten compliments the personalities of us.
And they are bestfriends as well.
The kids adore them too.. I wonder how Lachlan will go with them..
Kat you get to meet our Kittens when you come up, way cool =~P
You have to love them and be nice because they are ours.
I will try and get a picture up soon.
Yesterday Lami and i were walking home from the street after being out all day, when we passed a house just up from ours, Lami asked if we could see their Kittens.
I fell in love with the black one and Lami loved the ginger tiger one. We decided to take them both =)
I have a little black kitten called Storm, and it has really dark greeny blue eyes. It is really cuddly but playful..
Lami got the ginger one. It looks like it has tiger stripes =~P
She named him Tiger. He is the leader, very playful and into mischief alot..
Like last night i feed them and soon as Tiger seen the food he splashed Storm with water .. soo rude.
I think each Kitten compliments the personalities of us.
And they are bestfriends as well.
The kids adore them too.. I wonder how Lachlan will go with them..
Kat you get to meet our Kittens when you come up, way cool =~P
You have to love them and be nice because they are ours.
I will try and get a picture up soon.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Cross Road
As i was walking to pick Daniel up from school, i was looking at the creek that runs along the path. The breeze was blowing on my face and it lifted me up from the hole i've been in for the last few days.
The situation with Paul has hurt me hard. As i was walking tears streamed down my face as i felt God's presence surround me and tell me it wasn't my fault. I know in my heart that i have to take the next step and ring Paul, giving him the ultimatium. But i am afraid of what Paul is going to say, but know i have to step up and do this.
Lachlan deserves to have a Dad in his life. If Paul can't step up to the responsibility of being the Father in Lachie's life then he is going to have to step out of his life. I know in my heart that God has a husband for me and a Father for Lachlan, a much better Father than what Paul is trying to be right know.
One of my fears is that when Lachlan is older that Paul will try and tell him the reason he never seen him was because i wouldn't let him. That isn't true. I have listened to God. I provided Paul with the opportunity to see Lachlan and get to be the father in his life, i have given him the chance to change his life and he has choosen not to.
As a Mommy it is my time to step up and do what i don't want to do, but know is right. Because i love Lachlan enough to put him first in my life. The future is already written i guess, i just have to wait and trust in God.
As i came closer to the school, it was like God revealed a picture to me. Of the whole world and this little girl (me). The world was big and beautiful, with me trusting God. But the world with me not going to God, building the relationship daily was a dark and scary place.
Although right now my heart hurts, and it hurts for Lachlan - I know it won't be that bad. I know that i have God and he has me in His hand. That his plans are not to hurt me.
The situation with Paul has hurt me hard. As i was walking tears streamed down my face as i felt God's presence surround me and tell me it wasn't my fault. I know in my heart that i have to take the next step and ring Paul, giving him the ultimatium. But i am afraid of what Paul is going to say, but know i have to step up and do this.
Lachlan deserves to have a Dad in his life. If Paul can't step up to the responsibility of being the Father in Lachie's life then he is going to have to step out of his life. I know in my heart that God has a husband for me and a Father for Lachlan, a much better Father than what Paul is trying to be right know.
One of my fears is that when Lachlan is older that Paul will try and tell him the reason he never seen him was because i wouldn't let him. That isn't true. I have listened to God. I provided Paul with the opportunity to see Lachlan and get to be the father in his life, i have given him the chance to change his life and he has choosen not to.
As a Mommy it is my time to step up and do what i don't want to do, but know is right. Because i love Lachlan enough to put him first in my life. The future is already written i guess, i just have to wait and trust in God.
As i came closer to the school, it was like God revealed a picture to me. Of the whole world and this little girl (me). The world was big and beautiful, with me trusting God. But the world with me not going to God, building the relationship daily was a dark and scary place.
Although right now my heart hurts, and it hurts for Lachlan - I know it won't be that bad. I know that i have God and he has me in His hand. That his plans are not to hurt me.
Porcelain Heart
Broken heart one more time
Pick yourself up, why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole
[Chorus:]
You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine
Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break
Creator only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again
- Barlow Girl
And then she breaks downs and cries.
She tried, she felt the pain.
Now somethings gotta change.
She wants to hide.
She doesn't want to face the day.
But somethings got to change.
-Me
Monday, December 05, 2005
Protector
As a single mom i have always considered myself the protector of my family. I have always been the one to make sure Lachlan has what he needs, is protected from dangers and all that sort of parenting stuff.
Yes i have always considered myself a single mom in the sense that i do all the parenting, but i know my parenting is with God. Recently i felt God tell me to contact Paul and let him see Lachlan. So i did that, and Paul came and seen Lachlan a week later.
That was 4 weeks ago, i asked him on a number of occassions wheh he was coming to see Lachlan and he gave a round about answer. "Next week sometime because i am busy with work this week", "maybe next tuesday or wednesday".... all of these round about replies.
So once again i text him and he said he didn't know when he could come, i said i needed a date because i have to organise stuff and we need to make more regular meeting dates. His reply was "so do you want me?"..
His response was like a punch to my heart, i was trying to seriously talk to him about Lachlan and he was worried about getting laid (not that we have that sort of relationship to clear that up!). My response was less than friendly and i put the phone away. With the realisation that he probably doesn't care about his own son.
I am supposed to be the one to protect Lachlan and i left him open to be hurt emotionally, not that i think he will remember much of this, but still. I have to admit that i hurt to, not because there is anything lost. But because i have to except that the father of my child cares more about sex than his own son.
It doesn't make me feel good.
I don't want to let go of Paul, because i am letting go of the father he should be. Knowing i have to wait until i am married until he has some one to call Dad. Seeing Alik at Naomi's birthday party made my heart pound. There was this handsome guy, playing with my son and it all come so naturally. The first time Alik had meet Lachlan and he was on the floor playing trucks with him and stuff and yet Paul (his own father) don't seem to care..
How does that work?
How can you not care about your own child? i just don't understand.
Yes i have always considered myself a single mom in the sense that i do all the parenting, but i know my parenting is with God. Recently i felt God tell me to contact Paul and let him see Lachlan. So i did that, and Paul came and seen Lachlan a week later.
That was 4 weeks ago, i asked him on a number of occassions wheh he was coming to see Lachlan and he gave a round about answer. "Next week sometime because i am busy with work this week", "maybe next tuesday or wednesday".... all of these round about replies.
So once again i text him and he said he didn't know when he could come, i said i needed a date because i have to organise stuff and we need to make more regular meeting dates. His reply was "so do you want me?"..
His response was like a punch to my heart, i was trying to seriously talk to him about Lachlan and he was worried about getting laid (not that we have that sort of relationship to clear that up!). My response was less than friendly and i put the phone away. With the realisation that he probably doesn't care about his own son.
I am supposed to be the one to protect Lachlan and i left him open to be hurt emotionally, not that i think he will remember much of this, but still. I have to admit that i hurt to, not because there is anything lost. But because i have to except that the father of my child cares more about sex than his own son.
It doesn't make me feel good.
I don't want to let go of Paul, because i am letting go of the father he should be. Knowing i have to wait until i am married until he has some one to call Dad. Seeing Alik at Naomi's birthday party made my heart pound. There was this handsome guy, playing with my son and it all come so naturally. The first time Alik had meet Lachlan and he was on the floor playing trucks with him and stuff and yet Paul (his own father) don't seem to care..
How does that work?
How can you not care about your own child? i just don't understand.
Friday, December 02, 2005
??How??
I sit and wonder how long it is going to take for me to realise i have to let go of my fears in order to soar?
Last night i went to Nai's Kindy Concert, i was okay right up until we stacked the chairs and the hall wasn't in an ordered way. The people were everywhere and i couldn't handle it. I felt intimidated and was analyzing every single person that was in the hall, especially the men.
I went into a panicked state where i had to hold back the tears (just because the hall was packed with people). Yes my bestfriend was there, yes i had my son, but i felt like running..
Am i ever gonna get over it? how do i take the steps to getting over this? I know if i don't get over it there is limited chance of me meeting my husband. I am a shy person as it is, honestly i struggle just to be around people i don't know and thats without talking to them. So how am i going to meet new people and have them as friends, and my future husband..
I really feel like inserting a giggle at my pathicness!!
So there i admit i need to get over this, only coz i feel it's holding me back and i know if i don't i won't have much of a life. No friends, No husband and it will be hard on my son...
Last night i went to Nai's Kindy Concert, i was okay right up until we stacked the chairs and the hall wasn't in an ordered way. The people were everywhere and i couldn't handle it. I felt intimidated and was analyzing every single person that was in the hall, especially the men.
I went into a panicked state where i had to hold back the tears (just because the hall was packed with people). Yes my bestfriend was there, yes i had my son, but i felt like running..
Am i ever gonna get over it? how do i take the steps to getting over this? I know if i don't get over it there is limited chance of me meeting my husband. I am a shy person as it is, honestly i struggle just to be around people i don't know and thats without talking to them. So how am i going to meet new people and have them as friends, and my future husband..
I really feel like inserting a giggle at my pathicness!!
So there i admit i need to get over this, only coz i feel it's holding me back and i know if i don't i won't have much of a life. No friends, No husband and it will be hard on my son...
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Weak
You can take God out of my school
you can make me listen to you
You can take God out of the pledge
but you can't take God out of my head
Listen to me closely,lend me your ear
the substance of my statemnet lets you know I'm sincere
Government officials, shapers of the land
I've to to tell you something you need to understand
You can't take God away from me
you can take my life, my land, my liberty
Lock me up, I'll still be free
'cause you can't take God from me
You can take God out of the law
you can make me listen to ya'll
You can take God out of the start
but you can't take God out of my heart
Listen to me closely, lend me your ear
the substance of my statement lets you know I'm sincere
Government officials, shapers of the land
I've to to tell you something you need to understand
You can't take God away from me
you can take my life, my land, my liberty
Lock me up, I'll still be free
'cause you can't take God from me
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God away from me
You can take my life, my land, my liberty
Lock me up, I'll still be free
'cause you can't take God from me
Audio Adrenaline (Can't take God from me)
There is nothing more to say than i love this song.
I have the song on repeat in the loungeroom.
It makes me think.
Recently i have been feeling so weak, emotionally, physically and sexually.
It all hit me when i went home basically.
But when i listen to this song i stop and say to myself well No one can take God from me. I chose to walk away from God. I chose not to go to him for whatever reason.
When i went home for 2 weeks there wasn't a church i would go to in my home town but i could of read the bible, i could of taken some worship music with me.
I know on the inside of me i feel sooo weak sometimes, but i don't go to God coz i know i will break. I have to allow myself to crumble in the arms of my Heavenly Father, or i will turn to the arms of someone wrong. I hate admitting i am so weak but it's true.
On sunday i was in church and i had tears in my eyes, my instant thought was "Pull yourself together Kelly, this is church" and i instantly looked around hoping no one seen me.
I was in church. God's place and i stopped myself from crying. What hurts me the most is i stopped myself from crying because no one there except Lami knew me and i don't cry infront of strangers..
Maybe you need to look into your heart and see what broken parts need to be given to God..
No one can take God from you!
God won't walk away from you!
You chose???
What ya gonna do?
you can make me listen to you
You can take God out of the pledge
but you can't take God out of my head
Listen to me closely,lend me your ear
the substance of my statemnet lets you know I'm sincere
Government officials, shapers of the land
I've to to tell you something you need to understand
You can't take God away from me
you can take my life, my land, my liberty
Lock me up, I'll still be free
'cause you can't take God from me
You can take God out of the law
you can make me listen to ya'll
You can take God out of the start
but you can't take God out of my heart
Listen to me closely, lend me your ear
the substance of my statement lets you know I'm sincere
Government officials, shapers of the land
I've to to tell you something you need to understand
You can't take God away from me
you can take my life, my land, my liberty
Lock me up, I'll still be free
'cause you can't take God from me
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God, you can't take God away
You can't take God away from me
You can take my life, my land, my liberty
Lock me up, I'll still be free
'cause you can't take God from me
Audio Adrenaline (Can't take God from me)
There is nothing more to say than i love this song.
I have the song on repeat in the loungeroom.
It makes me think.
Recently i have been feeling so weak, emotionally, physically and sexually.
It all hit me when i went home basically.
But when i listen to this song i stop and say to myself well No one can take God from me. I chose to walk away from God. I chose not to go to him for whatever reason.
When i went home for 2 weeks there wasn't a church i would go to in my home town but i could of read the bible, i could of taken some worship music with me.
I know on the inside of me i feel sooo weak sometimes, but i don't go to God coz i know i will break. I have to allow myself to crumble in the arms of my Heavenly Father, or i will turn to the arms of someone wrong. I hate admitting i am so weak but it's true.
On sunday i was in church and i had tears in my eyes, my instant thought was "Pull yourself together Kelly, this is church" and i instantly looked around hoping no one seen me.
I was in church. God's place and i stopped myself from crying. What hurts me the most is i stopped myself from crying because no one there except Lami knew me and i don't cry infront of strangers..
Maybe you need to look into your heart and see what broken parts need to be given to God..
No one can take God from you!
God won't walk away from you!
You chose???
What ya gonna do?
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Because Of You
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
- Kelly Clarkson
3 years ago this was me..
Now i am not afraid and have been set free.
God is now my strength, the power in me.
I don't believe it's weak to cry,
it's the strongest thing you can do.
I hate fakes and refuse to be one.
I am real!!
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
- Kelly Clarkson
3 years ago this was me..
Now i am not afraid and have been set free.
God is now my strength, the power in me.
I don't believe it's weak to cry,
it's the strongest thing you can do.
I hate fakes and refuse to be one.
I am real!!
Monday, November 14, 2005
Home again
I am home for 2 weeks, my rents have their birthdays this month.
For the first few days i have seen some things i haven't liked.
My sister has tarot cards in her house, which makes me very uncomfortable staying there. I seen some of her journal and it is basically a copy of mine.
I feel ripped of, the pain i went through was real and she comes along and makes up all these lies and uses my pain for attention!
In the writting you can tell that she is in a big mess emotionally and spiritually. She has a picture of my best friend saying she is f***ing evil, a picture of herself saying is a fat ugly monster!!
It scares me to read what all these lies are doing to her and how far she has gone down hill from the person she was. There was written things about the alledged rape and his ripping her hair out and her recieving letters from him etc..
I feel like confronting her with the load of shit, except now she is being better than she has been in a long time.
Robert and Tammy have broken up yet again, hopefully this time it is forever. It's not fair on Emily and Charlotte to be exposed to such emotional upsets when it can be all prevented.
Robert threw a coffee cup at Emi's head, when i seen her the other night she had a huge bruise on the side of her head. She has been through so much for a little Princess!
Let see how it all goes...
For the first few days i have seen some things i haven't liked.
My sister has tarot cards in her house, which makes me very uncomfortable staying there. I seen some of her journal and it is basically a copy of mine.
I feel ripped of, the pain i went through was real and she comes along and makes up all these lies and uses my pain for attention!
In the writting you can tell that she is in a big mess emotionally and spiritually. She has a picture of my best friend saying she is f***ing evil, a picture of herself saying is a fat ugly monster!!
It scares me to read what all these lies are doing to her and how far she has gone down hill from the person she was. There was written things about the alledged rape and his ripping her hair out and her recieving letters from him etc..
I feel like confronting her with the load of shit, except now she is being better than she has been in a long time.
Robert and Tammy have broken up yet again, hopefully this time it is forever. It's not fair on Emily and Charlotte to be exposed to such emotional upsets when it can be all prevented.
Robert threw a coffee cup at Emi's head, when i seen her the other night she had a huge bruise on the side of her head. She has been through so much for a little Princess!
Let see how it all goes...
Happy Birthday Papa
My Daddy turned 63 today.
Another year has passed and he is another year older.
Each year i grow fearful of what the following year will bring.
But all i can do is make the best of the time i have and forget the fears.
This weekend has been a really good weekend for Dad.
He has been the best i have seen him in a while.
Gives good memories for his birthday!!
I love my Daddy sooooo very much!!
Another year has passed and he is another year older.
Each year i grow fearful of what the following year will bring.
But all i can do is make the best of the time i have and forget the fears.
This weekend has been a really good weekend for Dad.
He has been the best i have seen him in a while.
Gives good memories for his birthday!!
I love my Daddy sooooo very much!!
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Dreams
Last night Tim was the speaker at church.
He challenged us to share our dreams with the people next to us and well Lami already knows mine!
So here i share with you, my dreams for the future. And i challenge you to do the same.
My dream is:
- To be the best Mom i can be to Lachlan and any future children that will come along when i am married.
- To get married and be the best wife i can be.
- To fall pregnant to my Husband (well he will be for me to get pregnant) and have lots more babies.
- To become a stronger Christian and become knowledgable of the bible and actually be able to understand it.
These are the dreams Christ has placed on my heart. I already know i won't work until Lachlan is in school because my belief is a mother should be at home with her children, not putting the kids into child care to work.
If i am not married by the time Lachlan is 5 i would like to begin some courses to become a youth counsellor.
They are my dreams, they may not be big to some people. but ever since in was a little girl my biggest dream was to become a mom and God blessed me with that. No it wasn't how i expected it to work out, but i don't regret it at all. I have a beautiful baby boy whom i adore!
The next step is marriage and i know God has a husband for me, it's just the waiting game.
As for future children it is in Gods hands. All i know is i want lots, but he is in control!
He challenged us to share our dreams with the people next to us and well Lami already knows mine!
So here i share with you, my dreams for the future. And i challenge you to do the same.
My dream is:
- To be the best Mom i can be to Lachlan and any future children that will come along when i am married.
- To get married and be the best wife i can be.
- To fall pregnant to my Husband (well he will be for me to get pregnant) and have lots more babies.
- To become a stronger Christian and become knowledgable of the bible and actually be able to understand it.
These are the dreams Christ has placed on my heart. I already know i won't work until Lachlan is in school because my belief is a mother should be at home with her children, not putting the kids into child care to work.
If i am not married by the time Lachlan is 5 i would like to begin some courses to become a youth counsellor.
They are my dreams, they may not be big to some people. but ever since in was a little girl my biggest dream was to become a mom and God blessed me with that. No it wasn't how i expected it to work out, but i don't regret it at all. I have a beautiful baby boy whom i adore!
The next step is marriage and i know God has a husband for me, it's just the waiting game.
As for future children it is in Gods hands. All i know is i want lots, but he is in control!
Baby Praises Him
"Praise Him. Lift your voice and let it ring through out all the earth."
Last night i was in church singing during worship, as usual i had my son Lachlan on my hip and then i heard him start singing. Yes still in baby babble, but it was soooo cute!
During the morning service he cried when the music came on, i think it was coz he was tired and a little overwhelmed. He cried a little during the night service to but he was okay when he was with me.
At the end of the service we were singing the last worship song for the night before leaving and as someone sung Praise him.. my son opened his arms to recieve Jesus. It was sooo cute!! Some one said "thank you Jesus" and Lachie clapped..
I don't know what was goin through his head at this time, and i will never know for sure. But in my heart i am sure his heart was with Christ. It is enough to make my heart dance inside my chest seeing my son so young and praising God!
Last night i was in church singing during worship, as usual i had my son Lachlan on my hip and then i heard him start singing. Yes still in baby babble, but it was soooo cute!
During the morning service he cried when the music came on, i think it was coz he was tired and a little overwhelmed. He cried a little during the night service to but he was okay when he was with me.
At the end of the service we were singing the last worship song for the night before leaving and as someone sung Praise him.. my son opened his arms to recieve Jesus. It was sooo cute!! Some one said "thank you Jesus" and Lachie clapped..
I don't know what was goin through his head at this time, and i will never know for sure. But in my heart i am sure his heart was with Christ. It is enough to make my heart dance inside my chest seeing my son so young and praising God!
What I Have For You?
Last night in church i was worshipping, a song came on i never knew very well and i sung along softly, looking at all the people worshipping God. It softened my heart to see how free everyone was with God. I seen woman and men with their hands raised and singing before the Lord.
I turned my attention to the men, thinking about worldly man and how cool they think it is to be super Macho etc. Inside the church i never seen one male like that. I looked at all the men young and old, wondering where their life has taken them over the years and where there future will go.
I found myself in awe with my fellow brothers of Christ, seeing their gentle side. I've never been part of a church family before so i haven't ever really stopped to look at this. But when i did it blew me away, men talking about the love for their children, with tears in the eyes from worship. How strong are they =)
During worship they played a song i knew off by heart, i was pretty excited about not having to look at the words on the big screen.. Yeah laugh i thought it was something special for me!! I closed my eyes and got into the song, as i was thinking i could feel God's presence with me, reminding me, my future is in his hands. What he has for me is also a man with a gentle heart, a man of God, and a man perfect for me. It's awesome to know Christ has made my future spouse for me, specifically. I'm so excited.
I kept singing during worship and half way through the song i felt this warmth against my skin. I was like, hey now that cannot be God i am sure of it. I pulled my son off my hip and he had wet his pants, and me. i was so embarrassed. Doing the mother thing i went to change his diaper and pants, little to say i had to stay in a wet top..
But it was great to be able to enjoy church. I am going home this weekend for 2 weeks. Needless to say i will miss Church.
I turned my attention to the men, thinking about worldly man and how cool they think it is to be super Macho etc. Inside the church i never seen one male like that. I looked at all the men young and old, wondering where their life has taken them over the years and where there future will go.
I found myself in awe with my fellow brothers of Christ, seeing their gentle side. I've never been part of a church family before so i haven't ever really stopped to look at this. But when i did it blew me away, men talking about the love for their children, with tears in the eyes from worship. How strong are they =)
During worship they played a song i knew off by heart, i was pretty excited about not having to look at the words on the big screen.. Yeah laugh i thought it was something special for me!! I closed my eyes and got into the song, as i was thinking i could feel God's presence with me, reminding me, my future is in his hands. What he has for me is also a man with a gentle heart, a man of God, and a man perfect for me. It's awesome to know Christ has made my future spouse for me, specifically. I'm so excited.
I kept singing during worship and half way through the song i felt this warmth against my skin. I was like, hey now that cannot be God i am sure of it. I pulled my son off my hip and he had wet his pants, and me. i was so embarrassed. Doing the mother thing i went to change his diaper and pants, little to say i had to stay in a wet top..
But it was great to be able to enjoy church. I am going home this weekend for 2 weeks. Needless to say i will miss Church.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Parenting
I was in the church service today listening to Pastor Paul talk about family, children and grandkids etc. It's warming to hear a man talk about the love for his family so openly, some of what he said got me thinking.
So often we do look past our children because there a things we need to do in life, there is always something to do, somewhere to go or someone to see. In life we are rush rush rush and we don't stop to smell the roses.
As a mother there is something much more important than stopping to smell the roses. Yes, smelling the roses might be nice, but stopping to pray with your child, hug him or play with him is a memory they will carry on for life. The smell of roses will fade in your memory, but a childhood determines alot of our children's future.
I want to step up and re commit myself to being a mother, God has given me one of his precious children to raise and bring up in this world and i want to do it the right way. When my son is older i want to be able to look at him knowing that i have always driven myself to be the best Mom i could be. I want to know in myself that i was always in counsel with God and that there weren't vital times i constantly missed.
I know i am not the perfect Mom, I know perfection cannot be reached here on earth. What i do know though is that my precious little son has got the Mom perfect for him, and that she is trying her best.
There is a big wide world out there our children enter sooner than we realise, don't blink to much or you will miss it all. I challange you today to spend some time with your child, hug him/her, tell them how important they are and even spend a few minutes praying with them.
Don't just pray for your children tonight, pray for yourself as a parent. Parenting is a full time job and once you start you cannot stop. We will make mistakes, we do have faults and flaws, ask God to reveal them to you overtime so you can work on them one by one.
Don't make a list and sigh because you think you have more faults than anyone else, it's not a competition and each of us are different. Remember you are also someone's child and very loved!
So often we do look past our children because there a things we need to do in life, there is always something to do, somewhere to go or someone to see. In life we are rush rush rush and we don't stop to smell the roses.
As a mother there is something much more important than stopping to smell the roses. Yes, smelling the roses might be nice, but stopping to pray with your child, hug him or play with him is a memory they will carry on for life. The smell of roses will fade in your memory, but a childhood determines alot of our children's future.
I want to step up and re commit myself to being a mother, God has given me one of his precious children to raise and bring up in this world and i want to do it the right way. When my son is older i want to be able to look at him knowing that i have always driven myself to be the best Mom i could be. I want to know in myself that i was always in counsel with God and that there weren't vital times i constantly missed.
I know i am not the perfect Mom, I know perfection cannot be reached here on earth. What i do know though is that my precious little son has got the Mom perfect for him, and that she is trying her best.
There is a big wide world out there our children enter sooner than we realise, don't blink to much or you will miss it all. I challange you today to spend some time with your child, hug him/her, tell them how important they are and even spend a few minutes praying with them.
Don't just pray for your children tonight, pray for yourself as a parent. Parenting is a full time job and once you start you cannot stop. We will make mistakes, we do have faults and flaws, ask God to reveal them to you overtime so you can work on them one by one.
Don't make a list and sigh because you think you have more faults than anyone else, it's not a competition and each of us are different. Remember you are also someone's child and very loved!
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
New and News
I moved 8 days ago, settled in to a new house, and went to church. My first time attending somewhere that i can call my church, never before have i had a church family. It is weird being able to say i go to this church, because i have never been a member of one church before.
There was a speaker from south africa talking and she was excellent. I think everyone who heard her talk went away with something. I knew i had things to repent for and my heart was convicted.
After church i came home and was able to ring Paul, my son's father and offer him the chance to see Lachlan. I didn't want to before but it wasn't me it was God. When i spoke to Paul it gave me a chance to tell him how i come to make the choice of him seeing Lachie and i pray that he gets something from hearign that.
What is the hardest for me right now, is that i have been there for everything.
I earnt the title Mom, i am a good Mom. Paul gets the title Dad after just walking into his life. For all of my sons life, even before he was born i have been the one loving him, i have been the one paying for everything. Every night i get up, i have been the one to discipline him, dry his tears.
It just hurts to know Paul gets the title Dad after doing nothing. God still has work to do on my heart.
Now i wait for the phone call to say he is coming to see Lachlan, it will be hard. But i know God doesn't make mistakes and i know this is from God. Only one person can change the outcome of this to a bad thing and that is Paul.
His actions will determine the future visits.
Lord,
i ask that you be with Paul, Lachlan and myself. Prepare our hearts for whats going to happen. I ask for your strength emotionally Lord, fill me up with your love, strength and wisdom. I give it all to you Father.
Amen
Saturday, October 22, 2005
SMS
Last night i went to bed reasonably early, thinking i could get an early night and catch up on some sleep. Then i started getting SMS messages on my phone from Rodney. He told me that Paul got out of jail last week and wanted me to ring him.
I felt like bursting into tears, the last thing i needed at this point in time was to deal with this issue. I mean i have alot going on with the Tammy situation, i am moving on the weekend and i am just seeing Lami go through similar with Michael. Except there is a difference, Michael didn't just get out of jail, he is attending church and the is putting the effort in to change his life. All the same it is emotionally difficult.
So despite me not wanting to ring him this morning i did, we spoke for a while. About Lachlan, court, cost of DNA, jail/medical, him moving, working/maitenance and then him seeing Lachlan.
He honestly didn't seem to be aware that he had to attend court next month, so i gave him the date and said i would ring him back with the time because i needed to change it. He said his brother has just gotten back from Hong Kong (he's a teacher) and he'll ask him to take him to court. He will do the DNA and if he has to he will pay for it to.
Then he proceeded to tell me that he got into a fight in jail and ended up in hospital for a week. The time he spent in there gave the doctors a chance to pick up somethign wrong with his heart. He had an x-ray and is waiting on having an ultrasound. He told me not to worry and he'd let me know the results.
Then he went on to say he is moving to Adelaide, he needs to make a fresh start, and he is selling his cars (that's a start). He has also lined up work in Adelaide. we spoke of maitenance.
Then he asked if he could see Lachie and i explained why he couldn't at the moment. He was hurt but understood. He said he understands i have to look out for Lachlan.
Lord,
I lay myself down before you, and ask that you work on my heart. You know all the wounds and scars of my heart, i ask that you come now and heal me. Guide me in the way you want me to go. Be with me every step of the way, may i seek your guidance. May everything i do be your will, every choice i make be in counsel with you Lord. I also pray for Paul. He is fresh out of jail and there does seem to be a change in him Lord, but he needs to do so much more. I need this to be genuine Lord. May he get his life together not only for his children but for him. He needs to get his act together and to start living life.
May his wounds be healed by you father, may he feel the conviction of his ways. May he turn from wrong and follow the right. I just pray he turns from the wrong ways and maybe oneday he will find your light.
Amen
I felt like bursting into tears, the last thing i needed at this point in time was to deal with this issue. I mean i have alot going on with the Tammy situation, i am moving on the weekend and i am just seeing Lami go through similar with Michael. Except there is a difference, Michael didn't just get out of jail, he is attending church and the is putting the effort in to change his life. All the same it is emotionally difficult.
So despite me not wanting to ring him this morning i did, we spoke for a while. About Lachlan, court, cost of DNA, jail/medical, him moving, working/maitenance and then him seeing Lachlan.
He honestly didn't seem to be aware that he had to attend court next month, so i gave him the date and said i would ring him back with the time because i needed to change it. He said his brother has just gotten back from Hong Kong (he's a teacher) and he'll ask him to take him to court. He will do the DNA and if he has to he will pay for it to.
Then he proceeded to tell me that he got into a fight in jail and ended up in hospital for a week. The time he spent in there gave the doctors a chance to pick up somethign wrong with his heart. He had an x-ray and is waiting on having an ultrasound. He told me not to worry and he'd let me know the results.
Then he went on to say he is moving to Adelaide, he needs to make a fresh start, and he is selling his cars (that's a start). He has also lined up work in Adelaide. we spoke of maitenance.
Then he asked if he could see Lachie and i explained why he couldn't at the moment. He was hurt but understood. He said he understands i have to look out for Lachlan.
Lord,
I lay myself down before you, and ask that you work on my heart. You know all the wounds and scars of my heart, i ask that you come now and heal me. Guide me in the way you want me to go. Be with me every step of the way, may i seek your guidance. May everything i do be your will, every choice i make be in counsel with you Lord. I also pray for Paul. He is fresh out of jail and there does seem to be a change in him Lord, but he needs to do so much more. I need this to be genuine Lord. May he get his life together not only for his children but for him. He needs to get his act together and to start living life.
May his wounds be healed by you father, may he feel the conviction of his ways. May he turn from wrong and follow the right. I just pray he turns from the wrong ways and maybe oneday he will find your light.
Amen
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Cries
*cries*
*cries* *cries*
*cries* *cries* *cries*
I hate the fact she can hurt me like this
I hate the fact she does.
I hate Andrea!!
I hate what Tammy is doing to herself.
I can't help her no more.
I don't stand a chance of helping her!
she's cutting herself..
She don't stop and think about what it does to me,
the family and most of all her kids.
she is gonna go stay with Andrea again.
TONIGHT!!
I haven't seen her or the kids barely at all.
she knows i go sunday and she is staying there until saturday.
SO GENEROUS of her!! NOT
She shouldn't even bother..
Wow enough time to say good bye.
sure she can spare it..
Friday, October 14, 2005
Times When I'm Alone
Times When I'm Alone
by Phillip Organ
Lord look at me now,
I'm down on my knees.
I don't know what to do,
And I can't live without Your Love.
I'm alone, Lord, I'm alone.
Give me the strength,
Lord give me the hope,Give me the faith,
And for You Lord, I'll carry on.
For You Lord, I'll carry on.
And when sometimes in life it seems
That I must face the world alone
And the fears I have inside,
They go unknown.
And though the world seems cold
And nobody ever seems to care
No I'll never doubt Your Love
Because I know You're there.
And Lord, I know
That You'll always be here by my side
To help me through the times when I'm alone.
I need You Lord,I need You Lord,
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord.
I do my best for You
I try to make it through.
But no matter how hard I try
I can't make it on my own.
I can't make it on my own.
Help me to see,
What You want me to be.
Show me Your way,
O Father, I need You today.
O Father, I need You!
And when sometimes in life it seems
That I must face the world alone
And the fears I have inside,
They go unknown.
And though the world seems cold
And nobody ever seems to care
No I'll never doubt Your Love
Because I know You're there.
And Lord, I know
That You'll always be here by my side
To help me through the times when I'm alone.
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord, I need You Lord,
I need You Lord.
I know You'll be there when I'm alone.
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