SMS

Last night i went to bed reasonably early, thinking i could get an early night and catch up on some sleep. Then i started getting SMS messages on my phone from Rodney. He told me that Paul got out of jail last week and wanted me to ring him.

I felt like bursting into tears, the last thing i needed at this point in time was to deal with this issue. I mean i have alot going on with the Tammy situation, i am moving on the weekend and i am just seeing Lami go through similar with Michael. Except there is a difference, Michael didn't just get out of jail, he is attending church and the is putting the effort in to change his life. All the same it is emotionally difficult.

So despite me not wanting to ring him this morning i did, we spoke for a while. About Lachlan, court, cost of DNA, jail/medical, him moving, working/maitenance and then him seeing Lachlan.

He honestly didn't seem to be aware that he had to attend court next month, so i gave him the date and said i would ring him back with the time because i needed to change it. He said his brother has just gotten back from Hong Kong (he's a teacher) and he'll ask him to take him to court. He will do the DNA and if he has to he will pay for it to.

Then he proceeded to tell me that he got into a fight in jail and ended up in hospital for a week. The time he spent in there gave the doctors a chance to pick up somethign wrong with his heart. He had an x-ray and is waiting on having an ultrasound. He told me not to worry and he'd let me know the results.
Then he went on to say he is moving to Adelaide, he needs to make a fresh start, and he is selling his cars (that's a start). He has also lined up work in Adelaide. we spoke of maitenance.

Then he asked if he could see Lachie and i explained why he couldn't at the moment. He was hurt but understood. He said he understands i have to look out for Lachlan.


Lord,
I lay myself down before you, and ask that you work on my heart. You know all the wounds and scars of my heart, i ask that you come now and heal me. Guide me in the way you want me to go. Be with me every step of the way, may i seek your guidance. May everything i do be your will, every choice i make be in counsel with you Lord. I also pray for Paul. He is fresh out of jail and there does seem to be a change in him Lord, but he needs to do so much more. I need this to be genuine Lord. May he get his life together not only for his children but for him. He needs to get his act together and to start living life.
May his wounds be healed by you father, may he feel the conviction of his ways. May he turn from wrong and follow the right. I just pray he turns from the wrong ways and maybe oneday he will find your light.
Amen

Cries

*cries*

*cries* *cries*

*cries* *cries* *cries*

I hate the fact she can hurt me like this

I hate the fact she does.

I hate Andrea!!

I hate what Tammy is doing to herself.

I can't help her no more.

I don't stand a chance of helping her!

she's cutting herself..

She don't stop and think about what it does to me,

the family and most of all her kids.

she is gonna go stay with Andrea again.

TONIGHT!!

I haven't seen her or the kids barely at all.

she knows i go sunday and she is staying there until saturday.

SO GENEROUS of her!! NOT

She shouldn't even bother..

Wow enough time to say good bye.

sure she can spare it..

Times When I'm Alone

Times When I'm Alone

by Phillip Organ

Lord look at me now,

I'm down on my knees.

I don't know what to do,

And I can't live without Your Love.

I'm alone, Lord, I'm alone.

Give me the strength,

Lord give me the hope,Give me the faith,

And for You Lord, I'll carry on.

For You Lord, I'll carry on.

And when sometimes in life it seems

That I must face the world alone

And the fears I have inside,

They go unknown.

And though the world seems cold

And nobody ever seems to care

No I'll never doubt Your Love

Because I know You're there.

And Lord, I know

That You'll always be here by my side

To help me through the times when I'm alone.

I need You Lord,I need You Lord,

I need You Lord, I need You Lord,

I need You Lord, I need You Lord,

I need You Lord.

I do my best for You

I try to make it through.

But no matter how hard I try

I can't make it on my own.

I can't make it on my own.

Help me to see,

What You want me to be.

Show me Your way,

O Father, I need You today.

O Father, I need You!

And when sometimes in life it seems

That I must face the world alone

And the fears I have inside,

They go unknown.

And though the world seems cold

And nobody ever seems to care

No I'll never doubt Your Love

Because I know You're there.

And Lord, I know

That You'll always be here by my side

To help me through the times when I'm alone.

I need You Lord, I need You Lord,

I need You Lord, I need You Lord,

I need You Lord, I need You Lord,

I need You Lord.

I know You'll be there when I'm alone.

=(

Awww

I was sitting at the table eating lunch with Ma and Lachlan, Lachie was sitting in his high chair eating his pies.
I could tell he was tired because his eyes looked heavy, i continued eating figuring he'd sleep after lunch.

The next time i looked up and he had his head in his hands with his little eyes closed.. He was fighting the sleep so bad but couldn't. It was so cute i almost cried!!

I took him out and laid him down on his sofa , he took 2 sucks of his bottle and was asleep... so me snuck this picture on my phone...

What a cutie!!!

Lami

We've shared many laughs,

Often cried many tears,

Supported each other unconditionally

For the last 2 years.

You've stood by me through all the storms,

The hail and the rain,

Rejoiced with me on the other side

When life is good again.

From the day I spoke to you,

I felt the connection,

That kept growing over time.

You are a huge inspiration

and you've really impacted life.

I thank God for you everyday

and for the way He used you in my life,

I thank you for taking my hand

and guiding me back to the light.

I know i'll never find another friend

Like the friend i have you.

God knew what he was doing

When he crossed our paths.

I love You!!

Pakistani Earth Quake

http://newsfromrussia.com/accidents/2005/10/10/64824.html

More than 20,000 people lost their live in an earth quake.
They are expecting the death toll to to 40,000.
It's heart breaking..

The new scatters images of parents digging with their bare hands searching for their children, and as a mother i can begin to feel just a tiny fraction of their pain. How heart breaking to know your child is trapped under the rubble. Not knowing whether they are alive or dead, but searching frantically to get to them in time.

No medical attention has yet reached many injured people, more than 40,000 injured by the quake which, at a magnitude of 7.6. This earth quake was the strongest that has been felt in South Asia in over a century.

I personally can't imagine living in a place and experiencing earth quakes, floods, tidal waves, hurricanes, volcano's or any possible natural disaster.

I know i certainly will be praying for these people.

Bath

Tonight i enjoyed a relaxing candle lit bath, sounds romantic to don't it =)
I was able to spend some time dreaming about my future husband and the future conversations we will be having, his big strong arms around me when i am feeling like a cuddle.

This opened the door for me to thank God, so I thanked him for everything he has done in my life. God once again opened my eyes to see the situations He has helped me through, been holding me through and everything He has given me and what is yet to come.

I have recently been a little scared about moving out of home, but happy because i have known it is the right thing to do. As i was relaxing in the bath i thought of this woman who lives around here, she is about 35 and still lives with her parents. No she doesn't have a disability, she doesn't have any reason to be staying at home. The only thing holding here there is herself and her fears.

I don't want a life like that, i want to live life with abundance. I want to be free, i want to live, i want to go to a church, meet my Prince, get married, have more kids. I want to be independant.

Yes i love my family, yes would do alot for them, but this is my life and my son's life. I need to step out of comfort and life, because if i don't start now in 10 years i will look back and have regrets. Wonder what i done with my life and wish i did things differently.

So God has been soothing my heart and preparing me as day by day i am closer to the day i move. I continue to pray and consult God and know that it's going to be hard when i move but hey what do they say "All things are possible with Christ".

Now to reflect...

20 Years ago - I was 1 month old, innocent as a button and being cared for by my parents.

10 years ago- I was 10. I was being sexually abused by 2 family members, a very messed up little girl who was withdrawn. My Ma was in and out of hospital with nervous breakdowns and i was being brought up by my father mainly.

5 years ag0- 2000.
I was 15 years old, still being sexually abused, deeply involved in self injury and attempted suicide numerous times. I was skipping school, in a same sex relationship and had been diagnosed with an eating disorder. I miscarried a baby when i was 10 weeks pregnant after a beating and developed deep depression. I became an Auntie to a little boy John.

3 years ago- 2003.
I was 18 years old, been engaged for a year. Completed my final year of high school and passed! I went on to begin a counselling course. I ended my engagement in december that year and fell pregnant around christmas time. I was blessed with a niece this year, Emily was born in march.

1 year ago- 2004.
I had developed a good friendship with a Christian woman and my relationship with Christ was back on track. I was no longer attracted to the same sex by the grace of God. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and begin the journey as a single mom. I was lead to Justsmile Ministries were i was later made advisor and moderator. I was then blessed with another niece Charli.

2005-
I am a wonderful mom to Lachlan. I have accepted the fact that i am a daughter of The King and deserve to be treated as such. God has been working in my heart and on my life, the evidence becoming obvious to others. I was blessed with another niece this year Charlotte. Now I am preparing to move to Gawler with my best friend for a while, until i find my own house. I will be starting a new church and startin fresh.

2006-
I hope to be stronger in Christ and have a better understanding of things. God will be continually preparing me for my future husband. I hope to of overcome alot of my fears and moving forward in the freedom God has given me.

I don't know what the future hold for me, but i do know that wherever i am and what ever i am doing my eyes will be focused on God, my heart on fire with love and desire for Him.

Selfish

Tonight my sister sends me a text message telling me that she isn't coming home before i move out, because she has to think of her self for a change. She says it in a matter of fact way like she actually does think about anyone other than herself.

I am so fustrated, Tammy knows how much i wanted to see Emily and Charlotte before i move and the stuck up brat is just thinking of herself. I am hurt by her choices but i'm not going to let it dampen my excitement about moving. I have to do what is right by Lachlan and myself, so i guess i will see my niece when i come home for Dad's birthday.

Then she went on to say how she has hurt her back and that Andrea is helping her to the loo, shower etc! Now what a surprise *eye roll* She is in so much pain she hasn't been out of bed yet can't possibly see a doctor..

Noodles

Lami rang today and we were talking about our children and the fact they don't have a Dad. No matter how much someone debates with me i will continue the same belief as i have always had. There is alot more to parenting than the fun made while making them or the sperm given to produce them.

Being a dad is so much more than the biological fact, more than the genes. All in all that means nothing in being a dad, not in my eyes anyhoo..
A dad is someone who is in your life, who loves you, provides for you emotionally and financially, some one who can comfort you and so much more. The list is endless.

It breaks my heart when i think of what Daniel and Lami went through at the hand of Michael and the on going emotional issues that comes with it. I'd hate to see the emotional affects it would have on Dan if Michael was in touch with Naomi, it would break his little heart!

On and off Daniel has spoken to me about Michael and how he feels, what Michael done to him. Daniel will never forget what Michael done to him, but he will learn to move past it and how to deal with the issues that arrive from it.

That *thing* does not love Noodles, he threatened to cut her out of Lami's stomach. No one who loves another person would do that, it would of killed Nai and probably Lami too!

I praise God everyday that Lami got away from Michael. If she never i have no doubt in my mind that they would all be dead spiritually, emotionally and i wouldn't be surprised if it was physically as well.

Naomi is beautiful. She has the most gorgeous brown eyes and cute face =)
Her personality is bright, bold, happy and loveable. Spiritually she is on fire for Christ.. It's awesome to see so much fire in a little girl. She is sooo opinionated it's funny, and so loud.

Naomi is 100% her Mothers child, and God is still preparing her Dad. One day he will come along. As for Michael he is no more than a sperm donor, i am greatful for his sperm coz it created such a loving beautiful little girl Naomi - other than that i can't wait till his day of judgement!

If he tries to come near Lami, Daniel or Noodles i won't hesitate to hurt him! They don't deserve to be hurt, he already hurt Daniel and Lami once, and those memories will be there for life. No letter written by him will change a thing, he ain't walking into Nai's life now just because he wrote a stupid letter pretending to be holy.. He is full of shit and fooled the church once into thinking he wow awesome now he's tryin again.

He was an older man in a fellowship position that took advantage of a new christian girl that was his daughters age, lead her into sin, got her pregnant, bashed her and her son!! He was a pig and hasn't changed!!

I will keep prayin for my second family. And can't wait to be there for them all!!

Hurting

It hurts so much!

I knew moving was going to be hard on me emotionally because i love my family sooo much it, I'm so used to having them all right here beside me. Now they won't be beside me i will be in another town, granted it's not that far away but i will miss them so much.

I can't stop crying when i think of Leaving them, i know it's just me adjusting but it hurts. I feel like a baby for being so fragile and weak. I know they don't treat me like i deserve most the time. But right now the pain remains.

I will miss Emily and the way she runs up the drive way screaming my name, the way she cries when they try and take her home, and they occassion real hugs and kiss she gives me.

I will miss Charlotte, her cheeky little smile when ya tell her she's a beutiful little girl, her bright eyes and little laugh.

I will miss John comin in to tease mom about the football, him playing with the toys and just general conversations i have with him.

I will miss Charli, just for her. She has only just started to get to know the family and i have alot to learn about her yet =)

I will miss Mom, although she can be a cow and not very supportive at times. I love her with an unconditional love that just can never be broken. I will miss her company, watchin T.V with her and talking.

I will miss Tammy, even though we fight alot. She will always be my big sister. I will miss walking down the street with her and the kids, going to the shop, and talking.

I will miss Terry coz he is my big bro. I love Terry so much it hurts, we have always been close but as we have grown up we have communicated more, which it good.

I already miss Dad, so there isn't much to say there. I had to kind of adapt. But i will be home on the weekends he is anyhoo =)

Tammy sent me a message saying that she is crying and is going to miss Lachie, though it never mentioned me surprise =( It don't matter anyway, ever since Robert came on the scene again it was like there was no more room for me, now Andrea is in her life, there is plenty of room for her though.

It's not so much of a jealousy, just me missing being part of Tammy's life and being annoyed she has time for other people and not me.

I know that i am going to see all these people again on a regular basis. I will come home and stay and hopefully they might even come and stay with us (if Lami says yes =P)...LOL

I need people to be understanding though, this is all new to me. I have never lived away from home. Never been away from home for a huge period of time, so i am gonna be emotional, i am gonna cry and i will be okay in the end.

But for now, please be here to support me. I need soft right now, not tough. I need a hug *looks around*. I need to go to bed and get some sleep.

$$$$

Articles like the one i have linked here make me sick.
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=65436

Rich people can be so selfish with their money, take this guy for example it cost him 25 million dollars i think they said for him to go into space. Don't get me wrong i realise it would be a once in a life time thing to do for most people, but can they not see that there IS better things to spend money on.

It would be nice seeing some money going towards things such as:
- Homeless people (clothing, food, medical assistance, housing/shelters)
- Starving children.
- Children who need money for a life saving operation.
- People affected by natural disaster (such as the hurricanes)
And the list goes on.

It's heart breaking to know what could be done with that money.

Don't Cry Mama

Tonight i told my Ma that i am moving out of home and going to Gawler.
Her bottom lip dropped and she cried, she hugged me and cried some more.
I burest into tears because i hate seeing her sad! I hate seeign her cry and most of all i hate being the one th makes her cry.
She told me she loves me and that it's okay =)

That just made me wanna cry more.
Even though they do so little for me, I love them so much.

I can't stop crying.

WOW.

Why does it hurt?

I know this is the right thing to do, i am excited about it. I guess now it's okay to show my excitement.

*wipes tears*

I just wish Ma didn't cry!

I Quit

Terry has decided to quit smoking.
Saturday 1st October 2005 should be his last day of smoking, he said he wants to finish this pouch.

Recently he has been suffering from chronic chest pains that have dropped him to the ground on many occassions, to the point he couldn't have his daughter for access because he knew he couldn't pick her up when needed =(

The doctor said the rupture to the muscle and stomach was caused from Terry's coughing, the strenous coughing has been brought on by smoking.

I really do hope this is the last time he smokes, and want to support him all the way. If your reading this i am asking you to join in prayer for my big bro.

Lord Jesus,
I lift your precious son Terry up to you right now, he doesn't know you Father and he doesn't understand the love you have for him, i pray oneday he does. Father help Terry as he goes through the withdrawals of smoking, and when he gets cranky. Help him have self control and may he feel strength. May he be able to successfully break free from this addictive cycle and begin finding his way to the life he should be leading.
In your name i pray,
Amen