~Feeling~

I am feeling darkness around me
There's a sadness in my heart,
My eyes sting from kepping tears in
Consealing them behing a mask.

The walls are closing in
I am finding it harder to breathe,
I try to work through my mess-
The best way is on my knees.

I keep reaching for God
Everytime i feel lost,
Trying to stretch forward
Fighting the force that's keeping me back.

Revelation

I actually enjoyed the church service very much today.
The worship was good and the preaching was good too...
I actually had a personal revelation that came with Pastor Paul preaching.

There were two things involved in my revelations today, they were parenting and death.
A baby was dedicated in the church today, and the passage read was Proverbs 22:6
Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
This was a word given to me not long after i had Lachlan, by a friend of mine. I had forgotten about it until today. God revealed to my heart habits that need working on in my life, because the habits we have in our lives can be passed to our children. Also the qualities i want my son to see in his Mum. So, yes i do need work. I don't expect to be perfect but it would be nice to act on these revelations.

The other thing Pastor Paul spoke about today that really hit home was forgiveness and judgement. Now i will confess. I have been scared of death as far back as i remember, and even since i was a christian that fear remained. Topped with more fear about being Judged by God. They way i seen it was i was going to be infront of all of these people, being judged for all the wrong things i have previously done and will do in the future (we all sin).

All this time i have worried myself about this, why was i not thinking about the fact i am forgiven? I am saved! My debt was paid with the blood of Jesus Christ. His death wasn't for nothing, it was so I could have life. When i get to Heaven i have no reason to be scared.

I feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders, because i realise the things i was worried about are things i have been forgiven for. Things i have truely repented for. When i get to Heaven i am not going to be punished and other things... I am living for Christ, I made a choice. He died for me, now i chose to live for Him!

Be You

"Be who you really are. Because If you are always trying to be someone you aren't. You will lose the essence of who you really are"

I watched a movie tonight called Fat Albert. It was a good movie. This one quote got me thinking though. Thinking about me, you, people... everyone really...

I used to pretend i didn't care about what people thought, but on the inside it would still hurt. I used to wish i was more like the person they wanted me to be, so they'd be happy. It took many years before i even began excepting myself.

And i have realised, it had only just been in the last year or so i have truely embraced myself and who i am. No, i haven't finished but i am succeeding. I don't want to be someone i am not, i enjoy being Kelly. Finally i am beginning to see Kelly with a life, with happiness, with self respect and with love!

To ya'll out there who are still struggling. Remember that God created you for a reason. There is a purpose for YOU and He does not make mistakes. Embrace who he has made you to be.. God loves you!

Why

We rode into town the other day
Just me and my daddy
He said I'd finally reached the age
And I could rideNext to him on a horse
That of course was not quite as wide


We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man
That my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes


So I said daddy why are they screaming
Why are the faces of some of them beaming
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe
I bet that crown hurts him more than it shows
Daddy please can't you do something
He looks as if though he's gonna cry
You said he was stronger than all of those guys
Daddy please tell me why
Why does everyone want him to die


Later that day the sky grew cloudy
And daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy
Lord was he right
But I could not keep from wondering
If there was something he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out
I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross

And it said father why are they screaming
Why are the faces of some of them beaming
Why are they casting their lives for my own
This crown of thorns he hurts me more than it shows
Father please
Can't you do something
I know that you must hear my cry
I thought I could handle a cross of this size
Father remind me why
Why does everyone want me to die
When will I understand why


My precious son
I hear them screaming
I watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe you in robes of my own
Jesus this hurts me much more than you know
But this dark hour I must do nothing
For I've heard you unbearable cries
The power in your blood destroys all of the lies
Soon you'll see past their unmerciful eyes
Look there below
See the child
Trembling by her fathers side
Now I can tell you why
She is why you must die

Nichole Nordeman

Hold Me Daddy

Song By- Craig Perkins

Hold me daddy

Hold me so tight

I need to be wrapped in

your presence tonight

Your arms are my shelter

love my refuge

Daddy hold me so tight

Hold me so tight

Daddy hold me

Just hold me

so tight

Hold us daddy

Hold us so tight

Need to be wrapped in

Your presence tonight

Your arms are our shelter

and your love our refuge

Daddy hold us so tight

(where it hurts)

Hold us so tight

Daddy hold us

Just hold us

so tight

Hold us daddy

Just hold us,

so tight.

My Testimony

I never grew up in a religious home; we never went to church. The only time I would see the inside of a church was for events such as christenings or the funerals in our family, deaths were very frequent.

As a child my mom was constantly having mental breakdowns. Dad was the main parent in my life as Mom was in and out of hospital all the time. Dad worked 5 days a week and in that time us children were passed between his friends (the people he worked with and their wives), when he was home he took very good care of us.

I grew up in an abusive environment. My mom often lost control when hitting us, what began with a spanking ended with a beating. When my Dad had seen that she had hurt us, he hit Mom. It wasn’t unusual to see knives, glasses etc thrown at my Dad when they had their verbal arguments (which was nearly everyday). I suffered many years of physical, verbal, mental and sexual abuse.

I was 10-17 when my uncle was sexually abusing me; once again I prayed that God would help me, and in the end cursed God for the situation I was in. I hated myself for what was happening and would spend hours in the shower scrubbing to try and feel clean. Many of times I refused and the punishment was cruel, I was beaten and at times had a hot rod inserted into me until I obliged.

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield."- Psalm 33:20

At 14 I started experimenting with girls and by the age of 18 I had been in 4 serious bisexual relationships. Rhia was killed in a double murder, Raquel died in a car accident, and I ended my relationship with the other two girls. It was God who worked in my heart when I ended my relationship with Ursula; I was no longer attracted to females.

When I began seeing Rhia I went to a number of sex sheds where she worked; there were children 8-18 selling their body for money. I seen a lot of girls held down and given abortions with coat hangers, because they weren’t allowed to go to a clinic incase they never came back.

Dear friend, if bad companions tempt you, don't go along with them – Proverbs 1:10

I fell pregnant at 15 as a result of my uncle raping me; it was one of the hardest things to go through. I was 15 I couldn’t imagine myself looking after a baby, I couldn’t financially support the baby I was carrying and I knew I would be questioned on who the father was. I had mixed emotions when I found out I was pregnant, ranging from excitement to fear and everything in between. Once my uncle found out I was pregnant I avoided leaving the house out of fear I’d see him.

My close friends knew I was pregnant, but I tried to stay away from school as much as possible, incase I ran into him on the way to or from the bus stop. I was walking to the doctor surgery one afternoon when I ran into my uncle, I was dragged into the near by ally way, I fought for a while but couldn’t get away. I was beaten pretty bad and ended up losing the baby, I was 8-10 weeks pregnant.

I began a downward spiral of depression; I was drinking heavily and staying out all night. It was then my sexual promiscuity started; I was known at school within my group to never be without a boyfriend, most of them much older.

As a child I knew I was different from the others. There was something about how my body felt and what it would do that never happened to those around me. After a few years my mom noticed and took me to a neurologist and I was diagnosed with a number of forms of epilepsy. I never handled the news well, and began have numerous seizures. The epilepsy got worse and I was diagnosed with Grand Mal epilepsy.

My depression intensified and I begun to self harm. Everything from scratching, cutting, burning etc. I was at school when I sat down and cut a cross out my arm, the cuts were about 50mm deep and 3mm thick. I went over it with a hot iron; it never really hurt to be honest. No physical pain hurt, not compared to the emotional pain. I had really stopped caring. That brought many trips to the school counselor’s office!

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. – Matthew 11:28 However a Christian teacher at school had made an impression on me. She was interested in what was going on in my life, what was so bad to make me act the way I was. I ended up confiding in her about the sexual abuse; of course she was mandated to report it. We went through the whole police and FAYS interviews together, and she was always there for me to talk to. She sat down with me and enthusiastically answered my questions about God. She didn’t preach at me or try to scare me with hellfire, but explained things in a clear manner via the scriptures that she so passionately believed and the experiences of her own life.

I dropped everything with the police when a member of my family said that if I went any further I would never see them or their child again. I dropped everything at the time because the child involved was one of the only things that kept me alive. It is amazing the difference a child can have on your life.

When I was with this teacher I always had the ‘I want what you got’ feeling. She invited me to attend a youth group at lunchtime and I attended, I meet new friends and began to attend both the prayer meetings and youth group regularly. I slowly became interested in God and the plan he had for my life.

It was then things at home got bad again. On the 1st June 2000 my Dad began acting really unusual in a scary way, trying to pull the power lines out of the house etc. We drove to the near by hospital and my Dad was put straight in a room. I remember Dad holding my hand and saying "Kelly it’s been really nice knowing you, but after tonight you’ll never see me again. They’re going to take me away and chop me up. Remember I’ll always love you".

I have always been a Daddy’s girl, I was 15 when my Dad spoke those words to me and I walked out the door and slid down the wall outside Dad’s room bawling my eyes out. The doctor walked passed and asked if was ok, at the time I felt like glaring at him but instead I looked up with hopeful eyes and watched him disappear through the doorway. Hours passed and Mom came out and said Dad had to stay there for a while. The next day he had police escort to Glenside (a mental institution type place). That was when I was told dad had dementia as a result of numerous strokes. Dad never came home to live again, he went into a nursing home in a near by town.

Once again my depression got worse, I felt a deep sense of hopelessness within me. If life held any meaning for me, I wasn’t sure what it was. I didn’t want to die and I didn’t want to live. I was put in hospital on suicide watch several times. I attempted suicide a number of times; In December 2000 I overdosed and died 3 times. This was a major turning point of my life, I felt so close to God during the time I was unconscious, I felt God’s presence, seen God and had an awesome conversation with Him.

In July 2001 I attended a Christian youth camp "July camp" with Pastor Sonny as the guest speaker. I finally felt some fulfillment in my life. July camp helped my walk with God dramatically; I meet amazing people and got a lot of the week. Adventually I stopped going to youth group, prayer meetings and other Christian events. I drifted further and further away from God.

In 2002 I got engaged at the age of 17, I was willing to spend the rest of my life with Russell. He had been in jail for a number of reasons. He moved in with me on Valentines Day 2003, and I broke up with him in January 2004.

In 2003 I successfully completed year 12, and I have no idea how considering the pressure with the relationship. I always wanted to be a counselor so began a counseling course; ended up pulling out of the course in February because I came down chronically sick! It was then I found out the cold I couldn’t shake was pregnancy. I handled that really well, even though I was single, I was excited.

In 2003 my friend wrote from Germany, the letter said something along the lines of ‘I have a friend that I think you’ll get along really well with, she has been through similar stuff to you, oh yeah her name is Lami and here is her email and phone number. Get in touch’. It took me around 6 months to work up the courage to send an email, and right from the start I told her everything, partly hoping she’d run a mile. Instead I got when I opened my inbox the next day there was a reply. I was angry, delusional, promiscuous, I had my doubts about God again. Over just 6 months of talking we developed a great friendship, together we worked through many of my issues and I came closer to God. I gave my heart to the Lord again and began living a fulfilled life. Lami and I are now best friends and closer than sisters :o)

In September 2004, at 19 years old I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Lachlan in September 2004. I’m a single mom, and my son has no contact with his father. I have faith that God has a daddy waiting for my son, he just isn’t ready yet. I feel the preperations God is doing in my life and continue waiting for my future husband.

When I was pregnant God worked on my heart, The weight of depression slowly lifted as I began seeing life differently. I made a choice the day I found out I was pregnant to change my life. I stopped drinking alcohol, stayed away from my friends who used drugs, I refused to submit to the desire to self-harm and feeling suicidal. The day I made the choice to change was awesome; my decision was based only on love, the love I had for my unborn son. With strength from Jesus.

I finally got up the courage to take a stand and rebuke Satan, take the power back. I no longer had sexual attractions to females and ended my relationship with the chick I was with. I even decided to give the no sex thing a go and actually began to be responsible.

Today I have a new view on life. I am a Princess of the God almighty, the mother of the most gorgeous little boy, the daughter of two great parents, the sister of two tremendous siblings, the best friend of a very beautiful woman and I am Kelly.

My life took on purpose and depth as I experienced the Savior through faith. Now I am trying to be more like Jesus, loving and forgiving.

"Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who persecute you." – Matthew 5:44

I know that it’s not God that ever turns away from me, but I chose the wrong path and drifted from him. Each day I try harder to make Jesus the lover of my soul. I try to communicate with him whenever I can, when I walk, do the dishes, washing or even in the shower. I never seen through my life that God was always there; He was holding me, I know this because alone I would never of survived. There is no way I could have walked through what I have in life and still be here without God; I have been so blessed in my life.

I remain convinced that Jesus Christ was raised from the dead and is still alive today.
"I am The Way, The Truth and The Life, no one comes to the Father except through Me." – John 14:6

Give Them All

Bob Benson and Phil Johnson

Are you tired of chasing pretty rainbow?
Are tired of spinning round and round?
Wrap up all the shattered dreams of your life and at the feet of Jesus lay them down.

Give the all, give them all, give them all to Jesus
Shattered dreams and wounded hearts and broken toys.
Give them all, give them all, give them all to Jesus and he will turn your sorrow into joy.
He never said you'd only see sunshine.
He never said there'd be no rain.
He only promised a heart full of singing about the very things that once brought pain.

Give the all, give them all, give them all to Jesus
Shattered dreams and wounded hearts and broken toys.
Give them all, give them all, give them all to Jesus and he will turn your sorrow into joy..